Would you take your ex back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Would you take your ex back?
10
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 7:28pm

Whether you ex is a recent one, or one long in the past, if you could, would any of you take a former partner back?

If so, what would you need to know, for absolute certain, had changed, about that person, or about you?

If you know you definitely would not, why?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 8:27pm

never.

because i don't dig through the trash or fantasize about 'what might have been'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 10:09pm

There are some former partners I would be genuinely happy to hear from - the one's who genuinely made me happy when we were together - but 'the one' (ie: the one who taught me what happiness does NOT equal in a relationship), I defintely would not want to get back together with him.

Why? Out two break ups taught me a very valuable lesson: just because someone wants to get back together with you does not mean anything has changed, or things will be any different than they were the last time you were with them.

It also taught me if someone is sincere in wanting to be back in my life, they will wait until the time is right for me, and they will go to the ends of the earth to prove to me - not just say it, but prove it - they really have changed for the better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Sun, 05-22-2005 - 10:09pm

No, I couldn't take my most recent ex back.

It's been over a year since we officially broke up and we've both changed a lot over time. We have both grown up...but grown apart from each other. He doesn't have the qualities that I now look for in a partner, or even in a friend. I'd like to think that I've gotten wise enough not to fall back into his trap again, because I know I wasn't really happy with him.

I also think it's important to let the past go--learn from it, but don't dwell on it. I did that for far too long and even though I'm happy to report that I'm definitely moving on with my life, sometimes I regret taking so long. But oh well--you live, you learn...right?

A lot of people go back to an ex due to fear and/or discomfort. They don't like being alone, and they want to be with someone who already "knows" them so well. It just seems easier sometimes to go back to a familiar relationship/person. And you know, sometimes all it takes is some space/time, growth, etc...sometimes you have to lose something in order to realize how important it really is. So I'm not trying to sound pessimistic in any way--there are couples who DO get back together. But it's often very hard and usually doesn't seem to work out the second time around either.

Breakups are awful, there's no doubt about it...but if you give it time and take the proper steps to healing, then eventually you *usually* start to feel better. And most people I know are quite relieved later on...they are glad they didn't get back together with an ex. Once the initial shock/hurt/betrayal/anger, etc wears off, then you will probably find yourself *clearly* reassessing your relationship and realizing that you are actually better off. I know that's what happened with me.

I think an ex is an ex for a reason...or maybe lots of them! :)

"It's so weird, you know? How we always inevitably find ourselves wanting to run back to the ones we used to love, for some reason thinking it would work out differently the second time around..."

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2005
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 7:46pm

I'm fairly sure the results would not be different if I took my ex back. I was going to write that she'd have to prove a few things before I'd consider it, but there's just no way. Just thinking about the possibility isn't an option for me because it brings false expectations.

She broke our engagement six months ago. Through her actions after leaving she's proved she's not that the woman for me. While I'm over the deep emotional pain I was experiencing daily, it still makes me sick when I think about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Mon, 05-23-2005 - 8:32pm

No, no and no- in that order!

-----------------------------------

"You get what you settle for"...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2005
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 12:36am

For as much time as I spend wishing my ex would come groveling back, in reality it would be very hard. I very well may end up heartbroken again, but hopefully not by the same guy. To go back things would have to be very different. I felt so blindsided by the breakup that he would have to be very open and constantly communicating. Frankly, I think I'd be insecure and needy because I'd be afraid of getting hurt again.

It would be very much what it sounds like - going back and not forward. The best thing, for me, is to take my old relationships as learning experiences. I try to learn a lesson and apply it to my future.

I did get back with an ex once before. We were first loves and reconnected five years later. It was positive because we had foolishly left the door open the first time. I learned that leaving a relationship with "if it's meant to be...." and no real intentions beyond that took its toll on my young heart. In the end all we really did was get the closure we needed before.

Every relationship is so different and it's easy to say never go back, but that nagging feeling that it might be right is very hard to fight. Also the idea that if we could just go back, the pain would end and everything would be better is very tempting.

That's why it is so important to ask these questions of ourselves. I'm glad for this thread because it has helped that image of my groveling ex to seem very short sighted. Hmph. That was unexpected.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 10:36am

enjoy2003...


Pianoguy has "gone on record" several times about this subject.....and has advised against it 100 per-cent!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 12:28pm

Part of me would of course want to go back, but the quesiton remains, what would be different? It has only been six weeks and I would honestly say nothing. At my lowest points, I would take him back in an instant, but once those moments fade, I start to look at it logically. He has rejected me twice. And the second time we got back together I didn't ask myself or him those questions that pianoguy described. I didn't question how things would be different or if he had grown up. Our first breakup blindsided me and I was a mess for months. I would've done anything to get it back to where it was. This second breakup was a long time coming and I've handled it much differently. It hurts just as much, it just hurts differently. Because I realize nothing was resolved the first time. And because of that, I became insecure and untrusting of him because I realized that if he dumped me once, he could dump me again. And sure enough he did.

But someone said something to me a while back that I keep reminding myself of.

"It's not about what you did, its about what he couldn't give you."

My thoughts.

-adc

-almostdoesntcount

 

<

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 6:07pm

For so long I felt that yes - I'd take him back because I loved him so much. But now, a year on, I'm thinking 'no way!'. I am now able to see things that I couldn't see while I was in love with my ex. We're friends now, he tells me how he thinks fondly of our time together, that I was the best thing that has ever happened to him... But I am now thinking that he did me a favour, that I would have never been happy with him if we stayed together.

So many things would need to change and I do not believe that people can change their core traits. I think that if we did get back together we would end up breaking up again. Plus over this year I have raised my standards.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 11:05pm

As always, well said, Piano...

My question was a general one: for me, there would be NO CHANCE of going back to one particular partner... although as an anniversary of sorts passed recently, it got me wondering how others felt in their own situation.

Funny how we can pine away for someone we have lost, but with time and thought, and determination to move on, things start to look different.