write a letter or not? Long..
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| Fri, 12-10-2004 - 6:08am |
The man I really thought would be the ONE broke up with me a week ago.. its been a pretty tough week to say the least. Here is how things happened will try to shorten.
I live in Europe and he in the US and we met while he was over on holidays here 15 months ago. When we met it was like - wow he is the one! I saw him walk in to the bar we were in and he had thought the same - or so he said. Later he came up and said hi. It was great - we had so much to talk about, same sense of humour and he was so nice and so good looking. Evening went well and one thing led to the other and he stayed over at my place that night, no sex mind. I asked him if he had a girlfriend or was married and he said no. The next day he took my email address and said he was so happy to have met me. He emailed me as soon as he got back home and we kept in contact for a couple of months - all was great - so I went to visit him for a few days. Since then everything was pretty great and we have been visiting eachother every 2-3 months, we've spent total of 35-40 days together so not that much really, but a lot of phone calls and emails. I was so nice to be with him, though the time in between was sometimes quite hard. I think I cared about him more and wanted more contact, I think I couldn’t get enough really. I wanted to know if we were together or if he was seeing other people, he said he wasn't that there was only me. I was still a bit worried. So in the summer when I was over I had a weird feeling again and ended up snooping (stupid girl) a bit in his house when he was at work. What I found "convinced" me that he had a girlfriend.. letters (no dates on though), cosmetics, underwear and some photos... so when he got home I asked him if he had a girlfriend he had forgotten to tell me about. He said no - but sounded weird - and he asked if I had been going through his stuff? I said NO and since then I haven't been able to confess, but said there were a lot of girl things everywhere - like in the bathroom closet. He said that he had had one but they broke up before we met and that he hadn't packed up her things yet but that he didn't want to talk about it. So I decided to believe him. And I don't think he would let me stay in his house if he did have a girlfriend.. but then with men you never know - I tend to meet men who lie so no wonder I was suspicious. This has stayed with me but I tried to get over it. I also saw last time that he had been in on match.com on his computer.. could he be looking for someone else? I told him I was falling in love with him and if there was anyone else I needed to know. He said he was crazy about me and that he didn't want to loose me and that things are going so well but that we are still getting to know each other, and that he was worried it would get very complicated with the distance and all.
Anyway - we went on and things were really good between us (I thought at least) and he told me to trust him so I started to. I wanted for him to come and see me before xmas and he had promised to, but then there were excuse after excuse, very busy job (probably true but still), no money and so on.. but that he really wanted to. So I kept asking, when are you coming to see me and he could never really give me more of an answer than when I can I will... after 2 months I think I drove him mad and now we are not together anymore. He didn't call me for almost 2 weeks so I kind of guessed it, although we had both promised that if wed break up we would never do the disappearing act. I called him finally and got hold of him and I asked him straight out what he wanted and he said he had had so much on his mind, he had done a lot of thinking but that he wasn't sure if this was the right thing to do but that it wasn't fair on me to be waiting around on him while he was so unsure about everything in his life. Job and house and country to live in and ofcourse me, we had talked about one of us having to move eventually. Talked about having kids and so on... vaguely but anyhow. He said he is still crazy about me, that he misses me and cares a lot about me but that he needs his "time" and that he hopes I can respect that.. and that he didn't want it to be this way and that the thought of me being with someone else kills him but I had put too much pressure on him lately and he just cant handle it at the moment. And if we were meant to be we will be again. I said I don't know anyone who has ever broken up that it has worked out for when they got back together - he said he does - that his brother and his wife broke up after 6 years together and after 6 months they got back and got married and now have 2 kids. (He really wants to marry and have kids someday) He is 35 and I am 33. But maybe this was his way of being nice and letting me down gently..
We were on the phone 2.5 hours and talked and joked like before as well, so no drama, and I do understand I have been pushy, but I wanted to see him and I thought if he came to see me that would mean he was in love with me too - like I in him.. So we agreed not to loose touch and all ... like you do I guess. He did say he understood if I wanted no contact but I said I did, might have been a mistake, will see when it happens...(got an email joke today but that is it). The next day - I was out with friends and got a bit drunk and cried a lot when I got home, I think I called him and left him a voicemail... so I emailed him Monday to say I think I had and that I had been sad but I was doing ok considering. He replied and said he was sad too and that he was thinking of me and he would be in touch later. I haven't heard anything since. I have written several letters to him (didn't send them) it helps me to get my thoughts clear.. Now my question - I would really like to send him a letter, not a pathetic "I cant live without you" one but a nice one, I was really glad to have had him in my life and that I love him and I hope he gets the change he needs and that I care about him.. could I send it you think?? Or is that not respecting him needing his time? And again putting too much pressure? I have a feeling things could work out still, but if I send it maybe I will wreck that chance.. Also if you in the US say you are dating, not seeing anyone else is that serious ? To me "dating" sounds kind of casual, not like girlfriend boyfriend.
It would be pretty big for us if it were to work out, it would mean moving abroad giving up jobs and such but I'd be willing to take the chance. I know I am wallowing in denial, it's only been a week. I thought I'd concentrate on writing to you guys instead of my letter to him.. Thanks for letting me spill my beans and being there, sorry it got soo long. Any advice would help me.
Rgds
M

Hi there,
my bf of nearly two years broke up with me 6 weeks ago and i agonized about whether to write him a letter. I finally did but i waited about a month before i sent it because i had to prepare myself for the event that he wouldn't write back. Well i was right. I sent him a four page typed letter telling him how much he hurt me and how i still loved him etc. It felt good to finally get my thoughts out and even better that he would know what i was thinking. Our breakup was a shock to me considering we were house hunting a few weeks before. Anyways, it's been a few weeks since i sent the letter and he hasn't responded at all. But i'm glad that he knows what i think of him....not very much! Be glad that you have an ocean to divide you and your ex.....i moved intot he building next to my ex a year ago so we could be closer....now i have to randomly run into him...not good!
Everyone has been telling me that time heals everything. It might not heal all of your hurt but I'm sure that you will become stronger because of this. You deserve better than to be lied to and to be constantly worried that your boyfriend has another girlfriend.
Take care of yourself!
Hi there, I just wanted to give you a cyber hug...I'm sure what you are going through is painful. I am close to ending an LDR that I've been in for the last 7 months because I can't take the distance any more plus he's not acting like he as is committed to this working out as he says he is (you know, the old actions speak louder than words thing), and I know it will be painful when I do so, so I totally sympathize with what you're going through.
I have sent letters in the past, and it's always ended up being a BAAAAD thing for me to do. I would not do it if I were you. Write all the letters you want...but don't send any. Let him have his space...you should take advantage of it too. The understanding that *I* would put into place in your situation would be that if he changes his mind about the two of you moving forward with serious plans to move so you can be together, then he should contact you, but otherwise, he should not.
And just FYI, generally, in the US, unless you have a specific agreement that you are exclusive (which means not only that you aren't dating anyone else but that you are not OPEN to dating anyone else), you are not. If he still had a profile up on match, he did not think the two of you were exclusive (well, either that or he is dishonest).
Sheri
Thanks you all for your advice, I dont think i will write to him, at least not for some time. I'll send a normal xmas card thats all. It is hard because I have a feeling that he "misunderstood" me a bit, but then again , no explaining how I feel, or reminders of what we had will ever bring him back, if its not in his heart it just isnt.. ouch!
I have issues trusting men, and the more I experience and read about what they are capable of doing the less I trust them. But I will try.. there will always be a new one... I have gotten over it in the past and I will again, but it hurts because I really was very much in love with this one. I am afraid that as soon as I stop missing him he might want to come back and then I wont want him.. it wouldnt be the first.
Good luck you girls moving on as well
hugs,
M