To write or not to write

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
To write or not to write
5
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 4:42am

Hello everyone, your advice would be really helpful. Here's the story:

About two weeks ago I broke up with my bf of 8 months. 8 months isn't very long, but I did love him. When we first got together it seemed too good to be true. Over the summer I moved to a new town and started at Berkeley which has been incredibly stressful. I had a hard time adjusting and it really showed in my relationship. It was obvious that he was unhappy for months but he wouldn't talk about it. He just did really passive things like not call me for several days or randomly say things like "you don't care" and sex stopped almost altogether.
Well it turns out he was trying to rekindle things with his ex behind my back. I won't get into the details because I found out through myspace, which is kind of embarrassing. The important thing was when I tried to start a conversation about his feelings for his ex, he ignored me and told me I was crazy. I was so understanding! I had told him repeatedly to call her and have a good talk because it was obvious by the things she was posting on her myspace page that she was confused and hurting. I don't know why I cared about her because in the end, she got exactly what she wanted.
He was going to cheat on me with her, but I beat him to it. I broke up with him two days before he went to visit her. I had no idea when he was going, I just sensed something wrong was about to happen and I wanted no part of it. When I found out he was with her after all (on myspace of course), I wrote her a long letter explaining everything about our relationship. I knew he'd lied about our relationship and I wanted her to know the truth. She wrote me back and told me he'd denied we were together the entire time and that he never stopped telling her he loved her and missed her. I told her I didn't want him anymore so neither of us had any incentive to lie. The difference between us is that she's dumb enough to take him back. I just know he made up some grand lie to discredit me and everything I told her. She can totally have that a**hole. But it still hurts that he won't even acknowledge that we had a meaningful relationship. I feel really betrayed. I wasn't the best girlfriend ever, but I was making an effort to make things work. Half of his wardrobe was still at my house when he was sleeping with her. It infuriates me. And when he came to pick up his stuff, I totally let him off the hook and said nothing to him. The only reason he came when he did was because I threatened to put it on the curb. I think he thought my anger would just blow over in a couple of weeks and we'd keep seeing eachother like normal! When he picked up his stuff I was nice, but I didn't try to extract any apologies or explanations. We didn't even say goodbye, he walked in, got the stuff and walked out. Now I feel like he got off too easily. There are so many things I want to tell him that just got bottled up. I told his ex in my letter that I wasn't planning on contacting him ever again and I wasn't, but it's been two weeks and I'm still really pissed that I didn't confront him. So I guess I just needed to vent. But I also want to know if you guys think it would be wise for me to write him an email or something? (he definitely won't answer my call and a message would sound kind of psycho). I'm not sure that writing him will make me feel better, I just want him to know my thoughts. But do you guys think that's healthy? If he never responds, or worse,if he responds in a mean way, would it still be worth telling him my thoughts? Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 8:57am

I wouldn't write him. Write him unsent letters if you have to but I'd just leave the two of them alone to live their lives. You don't want him to think you're a psycho ex girlfriend. Also if I were in your place, I wouldn't have contacted his ex either. He's probably telling her how much of a psycho you are and how he's glad it's over with. Men can be such jerks during break ups, especially once they have who they want. Just leave them alone.

He's no prize. If he cheated on you with her, he'll cheat on her with someone else. Move on with your life and forget him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 11:07am
if it's going to make you feel better to write him a letter, then i'd say write it, but you might want to wait a few weeks to send it to see if your anger blows over. it might make you feel better to let him know how you feel, but it might also be better just to keep it to yourself, i think it depends on what type of person you are. that's hard to decide. also, use that anger and turn it into a positive, like exercizing or something. eventually you'll need to forgive him, not for him but for you, so that you are able to move on. it's not good to hold onto anger forever. good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2006
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 11:46am

Don't contact him!

It will just feed his ego and hurt you more.

My ex cheated on me at the beginning, end, and likely the whole way thru. (I found out afterwards.) Now he's cheating on his new girl.

Beyond a short polite v-mail that I left him right after we broke up that said I knew he cheated and lied to me, and suggesting he move back home with his fam where he seemed a better person, I have never contacted him again (60 days ago tomorrow). He hasn't contacted me either.

No matter what happened with your guy, he, like my x, is a scumbag who doesn't even deserve to know that you care enough to write to him. That is the biggest factor that kept me from contacting him: the best revenge I've heard from other guys, is to totally ignore that they ever were in your life.

Good luck with whatever you do. It sounds like you have carried yourself gracefully, and that is huge. Congrats on that. And you'll notice from reading this board that girls that yelled at their guys didn't feel any better either. No one seems to get resolution from their exes, let alone cheater exes. It's something you have to do alone, but for yourself.

Not contacting him will keep your dignity, spare you a world of hurt, and let him start forgetting all the bad things about you, making him miss you more quickly. And then -- let him keep missing you. That's the best revenge.

Hugs.

Dev




Edited 11/30/2006 11:49 am ET by devuchka

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 11-30-2006 - 2:11pm

You really do need to vent, but if so make it an UNSENT letter. Burn it when you are done.

Even if you blast him, he won't 'get it'. It will just reaffirm to him that you are the one with the problem, it will fuel his justification for his decisions, actions, behavior, and choices. And it will give him something to share with her. Something you put in writing. A reason for them to talk about you, vent about you, trash you.

Write and re-write unsent letters to him until you are purged of your feelings.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2006
Fri, 12-01-2006 - 2:47pm
Same response, write it but destroy it, don't send it. When you are still getting over a breakup, your feelings change pretty quickly. I wrote a letter telling my ex that I didn't want to get back together, but I'd still like him in my life, and he didn't even acknowledge it. This is very hurtfull, and he wasn't nearly that big of a jerk before we broke up. That was a few weeks ago, and now I feel like if he were to respond, I don't think I really do want him in my life! Anyway, my point is, chances are you are not going to get closure by contacting him in any way, so you need to find a way to get closure on your own accord. And it is probable that you are going to feel differently in a week than you do today, so you might regret what you send to him.