Writing this to get my thoughts out....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2007
Writing this to get my thoughts out....
9
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 10:25pm
So my girlfriend and I of 2 years broke up a few weeks ago. We were going to get a house together we had already been living together for a year, were in love, got a dog together met each other's families, her family became my family and vice versa, talked about marriage, kids the whole nine. Are families thought we were getting married we planned on getting married. Her entire family loves me and my family loves her. We fought a lot but it was mostly because we couldn't get in the same mindset at the same time one person was pushing the other person away and vice versa we were 2 people that always had to have they're way. So anyway we're looking at houses and find the perfect one and she starts talking about where the kids bedrooms are going to be decorated and I freak out a little bit my mind starts racing and I get scared so I don't talk to her for a day. Finally I realize that yes she is the one I'm ready to spend my life with but it was too late...She is hurt and upset and decides to break up with me...I'm devastated by then because I had fully committed my heart to her, it hurt so bad I cried...I begged God to make her realize that I changed that I'm willing to do all the things that she asked...but she doesn't want to listen...she says that her heart and feelings have changed and she can't give me another chance...I try to rationalize that but I can't wrap my brain around it how do you go from wanting to marry someone and have kids with them to nothing in a day? I try to reason with her and beg for her forgiveness sending her old love letters and emails from a few months back it doesn't work...I tried to move-on and tried to be friends with her...She asked me to help her setup her computer at her girlfriend's apartment that she moved into and I went over fully expecting to play it cool and be just there as a friend...It was so hard to see her and not want to be close with her and touch her and kiss her I start talking about how I have changed and how if she waited a little longer I could of have done all the things that she wanted to do...it snowballs from there and I start making an ass out of myself and embarrassing myself completely practically begging her to take me back...I say I've changed I know we can make this work she finally begs for me to leave...As I'm walking back to my car I realize how embarrassing and crazy my behavior was and try to send her a text message to tell her I'm sorry it was embarrassing and I regret it...I send another text message and another...and then I leave a voice mail...finally she texts me back and tells me to leave her alone...give her space...that I'm starting to scare her...It freaks me out because I'm not trying to be crazy I'm just heartbroken and had a severe case of verbal diarrhea. She removed me from her myspace now what kills me is how easy she seems to be taking the whole thing is it a front? Did me and our relationship mean that little to her has she already moved on and found someone else?
What do I do? Did I ruin any chance of getting her back by that incident?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2007
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 11:10pm

I am you, but in reverse. On the day of our one year anniversery, my boyfriend, walked out on me. Said he couldnt do it any more. Came to find out later he had a ring and a proposal. That was 3 weeks ago, August 10th. I dont understand it still. I dont get it. You can read my last posting down in the other section that is "what was I thinking"...it is my bloggish way. I have harrassed, text stalked, acted irrationally, acted rationally but wanted him to know thus causing irrationality, etc etc.

My thought on this is....and I could be TOTALLY wrong. If, you change your behavior now, and they cant forgive you for it, even if it takes them a bit more time, then they dont get you, they dont undestand you and they probably are not the ones fo ryou. NOW, I could be feeling this way just to justify the fact that for almost 3 weeks I have acted like a fool. But my thought process is, if he expected me to just get over it, he didnt know me as well as he thought i did. Im now doing what he doesnt expect, and that is keeping silent and distant.

Im by NO means an expert at this.....but I can empathize with the pain, confusion, and hurt you are in.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2007
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 11:16pm
I think that you need to back off of her for awhile. Alittle time between you won't hurt. She sounds like the kind of girl that has probably been through a relationship where she was either led on or dragged on and she's just not having it anymore. There's nothing wrong with knowing what you want and being a no nonsense person. You on the other hand seemed to have had some initial doubts and only was able to push past it when the threat of losing her came into play! I think you need to re-evaluate what you really want in your life right now. You need to do this without allowing all the emotional stuff to come flooding in! Fear will cause you to panic and say and react to things you normally would probably use your head about. Example the situation that last took place when you were around her! I think you really do like this girl but I don't think you and her were on the same page when you went to look at houses and you should have sat down and told her exactly how you were feeling and that you still wanted to be with her but all of this was so new and foreign to you that you were feeling alittle panicky! I think she may have surprised you by trying to talk to you and reconfirming that everything would be fine and maybe would have offered some middle ground solution to make you feel at ease! I think you panicked! and it offended and hurt her and so she shut down emotionally so the thing you have to do is not tell her that you've changed but to show her! Back off for a bit and get yourself together emotionally and then you might want do something in your life that suggests that your ready for a serious relationship and then invite her into that space slowly to see for herself! A bit of advice though, make sure you really want what you say you want and not just be doing this just in order to get things back to that comfortable state you were in before because if your not serious she will see right through you and you definately will lose her for good. So, relax and start working on you! and what made you react that way in the beginning and then approach her later and when you do approach her respectfully not like someone trying to force a situation but like a calm cool collected individual that is in control of himself and his emotions cause at the end of the day there's nothing that attracts a woman faster than a man that has self confidence and is sure of himself! and even if you don't get her back in the end trust me if you have the right kind of confidence you won't be single for long!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2007
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 11:35pm
Yes everyone I've talked to has said basically the same thing her parents, her brothers: Just give her time, don't call her, give her space. It's just hard she seems to gotten over the relationship in an instant, but I'm still struggling. So do you think I should show her how I've changed by getting the house myself and wait for her to initiate contact? How long do I wait?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2007
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 12:20am
Listen, as much as you may not want to hear this I can't tell you no lies! Sometimes people get into relationships for reasons that aren't the same as our own! Now, if this girl family is telling you to back off her and give her some space it's probably because they have talked to her about the situation themselves and got no response that was positive so they don't want to hurt your feelings and that is why they say give her some space. The truth is if true love was there she would be open to some way to possibly working the situation out! You say that she seems to have moved on very fast! well as painful as it may sound and believe me I have been in this situation as well but the truth is she is telling you everything you need to know at this present stage in the game! which is right now at this moment she is not open to changing things between you and her right now! I know that hurts but the best way to get over that is to say it ain't the end of the world! You were cool before you met her and you'd be crazy not to value yourself enough to be cool after her! As far as the house is concerned buy if you love it and want it for YOU! but don't ever do anything that big for someone else especially someone who is showing no interest! You know as a woman sometimes you have to let women go out there and see for themselves they had a good thing and if she's smart she'll come back looking for you or at least asking about you! In the mean time go out be with your friends and Please whatever you do don't act faised by anything she does! If you see her with another guy say hi how are you how's your family and keep it moving this may be hard but it lets her know she's not more important to you than you! the worse thing you can let a woman know is that she means more to you than you mean to yourself because she'll think she can have you anytime she wants and believe me she'll take her time getting back at you! Do you, and if the interest is still there let her come find you. At least then you'll know the interest is genuine. Don't buy that house unless you love it and were in the market for one anyways.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2007
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 1:12am

Thanks for the advice Jax,

I know the best thing is to follow the no-contact rule give her space and she'll either come back on her own or it wasn't meant to be and the hurt and pain will be lessened by the time apart. I'm getting a house not particularly because of her but because I want to get a house sure I would like her to share it with me. I just don't get why when I'm ready and willing to do all that she has been asking me to do all along she rejected me. I'm truly consider myself one of the rare good guys out there, I'm attractive I have a great job/career that is really starting to take off, we had a good relationship we never cheated on each other I never had the desire too, I bought her flowers, sent sappy emails proclaiming my love for her took her out, got to know her family and become a part of her family. Everyone female friend that I talk too says that I'm a great catch I know the scent of desperation coming from me, with the begging for forgiveness/second chances, the constant need to talk to her everyday is the worst thing to do. But the truth is that I want her back I really do and it's gut-wrenching not to talk to her, not to apologize for the umpteenth time. I'm not that pyscho/stalker ex-boyfriend I just never have been through a truly bad breakup in my life I thought she was the one...I want her to be the one...it's really hard...I've haven't been able to sleep for almost a month...I've lost 15-20 pounds because I don't have any appetite...I try going to the gym and concentrating on other things but there are these dark moments when I'm at my most depressed. I know that self-confidence and assurance in yourself is the only to get over it and make her want you back, but I can't stand it that she is fine with it seems and couldn't care less!!! What is the best way to deal with this to show her how confident you are and don't need her to fulfill you and is the best/only way to get her back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2007
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 11:13am

I think the problem here is that your too focused on what you should do in order to get her back when what you should be trying to focus on is what you should do in order to get YOU back! I think you should go back and read your email and realize something about yourself and that is you recognize all your fine qualities the problem is your having trouble with why isn't she recognizing them enough to value you the way you valued her.

It is as simple as this, A rose is beautiful they smell good, they look good but the truth is not everyone likes them! Thinking something is great or someone is great is the opinion of another person! I think I'm FABULOUS! but does that mean everyone will? NO!!! I was with someone for 14 yrs trying to prove to them how FABULOUS I was! and the sad thing is every other guy was beating down my door but him! Everyone saw it but him! and it was he that I wasted all those years trying to convince to no avail. I was like you, miserable, couldn't remember what my life was like before this man and the only time I wasn't consumed by this gut wrenching feeling was either when I took a shower because for some reason the water soothed me temporarily it was like washing some of the pain away and when I was asleep. Do you know when it stopped? When I stopped lying to myself and I stop allowing people to lie to me by telling me he'd come back! When I stopped doing that I began to heal alittle everyday and slowly I began to remember that my life was great before I met him and could be again! Sometimes the key to being ok is to just step aside and get out of your own way! You give this girl far too much of your thinking time and I'm telling you from experience for every 10 min you put into thinking about her that's an hour that she's not thinking about you! You said it yourself that she doesn't seem to be bothered by the breakup and that's probably because her reasons for being in the relationship were strickly to get what she wanted out of it. The truth may very well be that she never had an emotional connection with you to begin with because if she did her heart wouldn't let her walk away so cut clean and dry like that! apart of her would have still welcomed some form of reconciliation. Don't get me wrong she may come back one day but would you still want her knowing your second best to whatever is consuming her time right now. If you know your value like you explained it to me and know other people see it too than maybe it's time you teach yourself that life is bigger than one person! If you don't love you first how could there be anything for anyone else. Make today the beginning of the rest of your life! Sometimes you have to be alittle concieted in this world and say "Hey! I'm not in the habit of keeping no chickenheads that don't want to be kept!" She's just one girl amongst millions and you keep saying she is the one! Stop it! she's not the one because the one wouldn't do this remember that. I thought the sun rose an set on my ex until I woke up one day and said what makes him so much more important than me? Nothing! I thought if he didn't love me then nothing else was worth it and I lost more than 15 pounds and almost had a nervous break down! I cried until nothing was left but you know what? after I got over that last cry I dried my face and I never cried again because that was the first day of the rest of my life and I never looked back! Oh a year later after he got dragged through the mud he wanted me back! but guess what by then I found my self worth and found someone who looked at me and saw a rose and we've been happily married ever since and guess what? now when I look back I can't believe I wasted so much time thinking he was THE ONE! I married the one! and if I can find him after 14 yrs of hell I know you can find her somewhere out there if you just pushed this zero out of your mind and make room for the one that's gonna be a hero! I know it's hard but heal yourself first and when you do you will be surprised at how your new found confidence will attract some wonderful people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 12:03pm

Hey feelingtheblahs -

I have been feeling the blahs for a while now too. :(

I just wanted to give my 2 cents.

AH Breakups are hard!!

After reading your posts, it seemed to me that her breaking up with you really has something to do with something SHE is dealing with. I understand your day of not speaking to her because you freaked out may have triggered her sadness and anger, but her decision to totally break up with you has to have been building up for a while now. If I was madly in love with my guy and I was buying a house and wanted to marry him, I wouldn't let one day of my guy freaking out and not talking to me, determine whether or not I wanted to stay with him. Since you begged and cried and apologized to no extent, she should have understood your normal human reaction for that day and decide to work on things with you.

But it seems to me she's been dealing with her own issues. That it's not all about you. or what you did or didn't do. So don't beat yourself so much about it either.

I highly recommend you take time to not contact her at all. I wouldn't think that she moved on so quickly. She might be wanting to give you that impression, but she's loved you for a long time, it can't just go away overnight. She's dealing with her own issues.

It's best you do give her space and not contact her. And do your own thing, and be able to live without her. Maybe she'll get out of her funk and come back to you, maybe she won't. But at least you realized now instead of after you got married that may be you weren't meant to be.

I agree with jax - try to get yourself back, and either she will see you for who you are and she will realize she wants to be with you, or she won't come back to you, but you'll be all set cause you'll realize that what you want and be confident enough to find what you truly deserve.

Good luck and keep posting!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2007
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 12:10pm

I can't see how it would hurt to give her some space. If it's an honest misunderstanding on your part and you've explained the situation to her, there isn't anything left to do but to wait for her to come to that conclusion on their own. Chances are she was hurt by your withdrawal and now she has doubts about a future together with you, and understandably so. If you get back together, I'm sure she wants the reassurance that you won't pull away again.

I think it would be a good time to perhaps work on the "my way or the highway" attitude. I don't mean you have to convert your opinion to that of hers, but you both need to learn to respect the fact that you two don't see eye to eye,and to leave it at that. Take a break from obsessing about her and go out and do something with your life.

And YES! these ideas are all going to be hard to implement. Having somebody not care after what was a long and meaningful relationship to YOU is among the most painful things anyone has to go through. I remember...how for the first time the 2 days of our break up, my ex left his phone upstairs and ignored my calls. This was the man who'd told me he'd love me forever just 2 days ago and never went anywhere without his phone lest he miss one of my calls. It's still something that I hurt over now. Anyways my point is, it's unfair sometimes the way things turn out, but those are out of your control. You can't undo the crisis, but you can decide how you deal with it.

Go initiate some no-contact time and do some reflecting. If she comes back, your relationship will be better for the work, and if she leaves you've already starting your healing.

cheers
Susanna

- There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So don't worry about people from your
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2007
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 12:45pm
Everyone's advice has been really great and I appreciate it so so much...It has helped me deal more than anything else I've done the past couple of weeks. I only wish I would have found this message board sooner. Yesterday I boxed up everything in our apartment that reminded me of her and put it in a closet...I guess why I feel like I still hold out hope is because we really never had that definitive breakup talk...every time I try to bring up the subject of why we broke up, why it went wrong she says she doesn't want to talk about it that everything has already been said...but I don't get it don't I deserve that talk that explanation to be able to move on? It's the mixed signals that get me too...maybe I over analyze things and read too much into a situation but I cannot help to wonder about things...She moved out of our apartment but she only took her clothes and personal items all of her other stuff is still there...until the embarrassing incident a few days ago we were able to talk as long as we didn't discuss us...What does this all mean? I never been good at reading other peoples emotions and motivations especially women...but I know if I wanted to make a clean break of it I still wouldn't have all my stuff at my ex's apartment? or still get my mail sent to the apartment...I know only time will tell but what do you think?