Writing Here Instead of to Him
Find a Conversation
Writing Here Instead of to Him
| Tue, 07-31-2007 - 9:34am |
It's been almost 4 weeks. I am to a point where I don't hurt ALL the time, and I don't cry EVERYDAY. I've broken my N.C. record (it was only 3 days). I am on day 6-and I want to contact him so bad. I know I must slowly be coming out of the trance I was in when I was with him and so in love that I didn't realize that I was hurting a lot of the time I was with him. He did things, even when he knew they hurt me. See, because he was honest about his feelings (or lack there of), I figured he was not to blame for anything. But he was awful to me....I see that better now. Well, my brother said I need to get angry about this. Well, I am mad at him, but it still hurts more than ever, realizing this. It's like the whole 6 months we were together he never cared about me at all. That hurts me. Seeing more clearly, does make me see his faults and realize the bad things when I think back on the relationship. But it still hurts...it's like a new pain..."Gee", I think to myself, "not only did he dump me, he used me for 6 months." Why do I still want him then? No, I take that back...I want the guy I built up in my head, that I thought he was. I'm hurt over the fact that he will never be that guy. I guess this is like a step back, but one that is imoportant, because now I'll move forward. Heck, I don't know. Basically, I'm writing here so I don't write him. No matter what I said to him anyway wouldn't matter. He wouldn't respond. He might not even remember who I am anymore. In 2 weeks his divorse will be final, and he'll probably marry the girl he broke-up with me to be with. He calls her "his girl"-he never called me that-EVER. I was his 'garbage' I guess. I'm really sleepy, so I'm going to go, and pray, I don't cry myself to sleep, because I'M SICK OF FEELING LIKE THIS. Oh well, too late now, couldn't finish this post, and the tears are blurring the keyboard. Getting that tighness in my chest, from the pain. Crying over someone who NEVER, EVER felt anything for me....boy am I a loser (I know, that's not the right attitude, but sometimes I can't help it).

youre such a strong person. every night before i go to bed, and every morning i wake up, i go straight to the computer. wanting to write him-- SO BAD, but knowing i shouldnt. maybe i should write him an email here...just like you did. im sorry you feel the way you do, but im so glad that youre doing better, atleast not crying yourself to sleep. its only been 2 weeks for me, and i still cry myself to sleep. well, i cry ALL day. so atleast you gave me the inpsiration that it will get better.
do you know what? my mother keeps telling me to just get angry, that way i wont cry anymore. i need to get angry and maybe hate him! but guess what? i cant even do that. i know this is weird to say-- but atleast you have a reason to hate him which makes it easier. i want to hate him. i want to be so angry that i cant cry anymore...but i somehow cant. i dont have a single negative feeling about him. besides the sadness that he left me.
he broke up with me saying" i love you with all my heart, but i dont see a future with us". yes that hurts SO bad, but he never treated me wrong, he never did anything wrong. he was the most perfect bf in the world. and we were together for almost a year.how can someone tell you they love you and leave? i dont undertand....but a better question is HOW DOES A PERSON GET LEFT, AND STILL HOPE THAT THERES A CHANCE FOR THE PERSON TO COME BACK? :( its terrible. that hope just doesnt leave me. do you feel the same way at all?
anyhow, i really do mean it when i say i think youre really lucky. you have the chance to get angry once and for all, and just MOVE ON AND HATE HIM! do it. dont let him control your life even after the breakup. ( maybe i should take my own advice? ). we shouldnt be sitting and crying over people that arent doing the same for us. right? easier said then done....:(
mstullips,
Thank you for replying and thinking I'm strong. Sometimes, I am soooo exhausted from all the strength it takes, and I think that I have nothing left, but then somehow, more comes from somewhere.
About the perfect boyfriend - that's how I felt (and part of me still does, but I can't focus on that part, because I'll NEVER get over him). See, he never lied to me. I met him 6 weeks after his wife of 10 years left him. He would say, "Don't get to close." He would tell me he is not ready to be exclusive and wants to date other girls. So, I thought that he didn't do anything wrong. But, he is not blameless. He may have told me this, but he was inconsiderate of my feelings, and he spent so much time with only me. I don't understand how a person holds you when they're sleeping, and doesn't have ANY feelings for you. I am looking at it from the view my brother saw it.
He was using me. I let him, yes, but that doesn't excuse that he still used me with no consideration of how much he was hurting me (he knew he was hurting me). Either way, even if he was the 'perfect boyfriend' (as you state in your case), it hurts all the same, horribly! I feel that focusing on the things that were 'right' about the relationship is as big of a setback as breaking the N.C. rule. Because the bottom line, the only thing we know for sure (the rest is 'what if', 'maybe if', 'I hope that..'), is we're no longer with them, because they broke-up with us. Even if a magic crystal ball told you he will try to get back together with you in 6 months, if all you did was wait, it would be that same relationship....and for some reason, that one did not work. He broke-up with you, so he's not going to change (he did not get broken-up with, so although, he has his faults, he doesn't think anything is wrong with him), and we have NO control over that. We DO have control (even when the pain is so bad, you don't think you do) over changing ourselves. I call it "getting my powers back". I posted the lyrics to Kelly Clarkson's "Never Again", but her other song, "Since you've been gone" describes what I'm trying to explain:
"Since you've been gone, I can breathe for the first time"
"Since you've been gone, I get what I want"
And even if some absolute prediction told me he will want me back in 6 months, I would do everything as if I'll never ever see him again. I do not want to be vunerable, weak, and blindly in love. I want to be totally over him, so I will decide and be in control when he came back-because I never want to go through what I went through this time. Only when you build you defenses back up, will you be able to do what is in your own best interest.
See, this is what I love about this board. I just counseled my own self, trying to help you.
Thank you so much, and
I hope I helped,
Tina
Tina Marie
ive got to hand it to you. not only are you strong, you are amazing, and so smart. everything you say makes so much sense, and uneblivable, i guess i never thought about it that way. i guess i just dont want to do anything to make myself feel better because im so busy being miserable and missing him and thinking about how terrible life is without him. i miss him a lot and i still love him a lot, and yes i still want him to come back sooo badly but he wont. he wont change his mind. most people wont change their mind after deciding they dont see a future with someone right?
anyway, youre right. i just need to get over it, and try and my best and move on. and grow and learn and just get on with life. if he comes back, then awesome, if not, ill be that much further along with the healing, then i was in the beggining.
easier said then done huh? your post really made me feel better, and thank you so much. you cant imagine how much i appreciate your advice.
and i do, i want to be strong, and over this. i dont want to be weak, or sad, or depressed. i want to smile and be happy and just try and move on...just not sure how to yet.
may i ask, what happend with your breakup?
Like I said, the 6 months we were together, he said we were not exclusive, but he just never really found anyone he liked, I guess. Well, he did break up with me in April, stating some girl he just met, he wanted to be exclusive with...which I should have never let him back in after that, but it was only 2 weeks, and he said he made a mistake, and he wasn't seeing her anymore, and would like to 'date' me again....but we still weren't exclusive....but he was with me the majority of our free time.
Let me explain something that is DIFFERENT about us, to begin with: We both liked exhibitionism and have done porn, and went to swingers clubs. Now, that already takes a lot of faith, rules, and understanding to do this, and the couple needs to be in love, and it's exciting. Well, since I was the only person in love, I had limits, and he didn't....that's what I mean when I say I was in a lot of pain DURING the relationship. I let us do some things I didn't want to do-THAT IS THE MOST HORRIBLE THING. Well, I inquired on an adult filming and was run by this couple - this was only after we'd been seeing each other a couple months. Well, the lady said she couldn't use me because she only filmed BBW's (heavy women), but she could use him. Well, I didn't know how much that hurt, until he did it. He became their #1 male actor...and he was AIM (adult industry's STD testing) tested monthly, so the sex was without a condom (which you understand why that made it worse for me). Well, I comprimised myself again, and still saw him. I was unemployed having a hard time with money, and when this couple moved to filming normal sized women, he never even asked them to use me, to help me out. Well, then the inevitable happened....he met a girl who was like his Ex-the 'Miss-Goody-2-Shoes'. He thought that since I was so sexually open (and he was joining couples behind his wifes back when he was still with her), and did the things he would normally have to sneak around to do, that I was not 'good relationship material'. I could give him the best of both worlds, no lies, cheating or deception. But he claims with this 'good girl' is 'relationship material' and he was tired of 'swinging' anyway. He even quit the porn job for her. Like I said in my first post on this string: HE NEVER STOPPED OR DIDN'T DO SOMETHING FOR ME!! HE NEVER CALLED ME 'HIS GIRL'. I wanted to tell you what happened because you asked....but writing it out, reminding myself of it....is so painful, I'm shaking now. When he first dated her, he still saw me, for about a couple weeks, which one of those weeks, she was out of town, so I guess he was going to use me for 1 more week then dump me. Also, that last week, I devoped a cyst on my lybia, that grew huge and was infected ($200 Dr. bill-I have no job or insurance) and very painful. He said she had the same thing, but her Dr. said it was an ingrown hair, but it was the same. I was on anti-biotics for three weeks. My Dr. said I got it from him (I wasn't having sex with anyone else). He never told her the truth. He let her think it was an ingrown hair. I was the one who first said to him I can't do this anymore, it's not fair. But then I lost, yet another, job, and that same night, he said I was right and it's not fair, so he's not going to see ME anymore....only her. He was going through a phase when he was with me. I was the "rebound whore" I guess. So he threw me out. Read my post in this section that's called "Song Lyrics...." It is "Never Again" by Kelly Clarkson. It explains how I feel, and how I see him.
Tina Marie