I am sorry you are feeling so upset. I can't get inside this guys head, but really it seems to me like he got scared. He told you he loved you and you didn't say it back, right? Even if you had said it back, it seemed that as soon as he got really serious, he couldn't handle it and started looking for things that were wrong in order to get out of the relationship. It's nothing you did, you were being normal and you seem like you are really strong. I hope you feel better soon!
wow that was looong NOVEL..just kidding. anywayss i'm assuming thats why his acting like this coz you didnt answer him the "L" word and never say it to him.
but actually i'm a type of person never say iloveyou to my BF coz i rather show it!! why dont you try to talk to him ask him is this the reason of you not saying iloveyou back to him. thats why his acting like this...ofcourse he will deny right. but tell him the truth that you never been inlove like this before...just to make him feel better!
for my own opinion if you love this guy you need to do something..if you need to lower your pride "do it". in a relationship atleast one of you need to go down so it will work out coz if both of you have that pride...NOTHING GOING TO HAPPEN!
AT THIS POINT I THINK YOU HAVE TO DO IT...THIS GUY LOVES YOU COZ OF YOU DIDNT REPLY "L" WORD..NOW I THINK HE GET MAD AND THINK THAT YOUR NOT SERIOUS TO HIM.
As soon as I read the part of your post that talked about him pursuing you and talking about marriage so soon, it was clear what happened. This is a guy who has NO IDEA what a healthy relationship involves, and the TIME it takes to build one...he's all about the fantasy of a new woman being "perfect" (which of course no one is, as great as I am sure you are!!!). So as soon as things started to get real, he ran.
This is a very, very common pattern, and it's why jumping into things is such a HUGE red flag! I mean, really, you barely KNEW each other...and he's talking about marriage???
It's SO not about you...it's totally about him. He doesn't have a clue about what it takes to build a relationship...he's an infatuation junkie.
Next time this happens to you (and it will...there are a LOT of guys out there who have this particular issue), I hope you'll either be a whole lot more skeptical, or run like heck. It takes a good 4-6 months of dating to even BEGIN to have a clue about whether someone is really compatible with you for the long run, and someone who's a good bet for an emotionally healthy relationship recognizes that and behaves accordingly.
You might want to read "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter to see how common this behavior is for people with commitment issues...although that group is just a subset of the people who rush into a relationship (i.e., not all people who rush have commitment issues, but many do).
If someone I was dating used the word retarded around me I would not be interested in him anyway. My brother and son are both mentally retarded. I think that anyone who uses that term is both uneducated , thoughtless and inconsiderate. I'd be glad you found out after such a short period of time. Move on!! You are still very young and there are millions of more fish in the sea!
Wow, I couldn't agree more with what Sheri said. In fact, it brought a lot of insight to my own situation. The same thing basically happened to me, although in my case, he decided (after 3 weeks, whew, long time, huh?) that he "didn't have any love feelings developing". What I am starting to learn is there seems to be a definite pattern with these "wonderful" guys who suddenly bolt. My ex came on real strong in the beginning too, and of course, even though a little voice was telling me to tread slowly, I got caught up in the whirlwind immediately and was 100% hooked the first night we met. I think Sheri hit the nail on the head with "infatuation junkie"; I seem to be running into this theory a lot, and it really fits. Next time (if there is a next time, 'cause I sure don't feel like it now) I am going to be REAL cautious if a guy comes on like gangbusters. In fact, I may just head in the opposite direction. It really makes me mad these guys can bring us to such a state then just leave like it meant nothing, and we're left bewildered, hurt beyond words, and blaming ourselves. I so know what you are going though. I'll be thinking of you, hopefully we will feel better soon and find someone who REALLY deserves us, a mature, caring man, not a selfish, skittish child.
Hi katorocks, I have to second Sheri's book suggestion... as soon as I read your original post, I thought: commitmentphobe. A book that has helped me immensely (2 situations) is "Men Who Can't Love" by Sokol. Your guy sounds like he could very well fit this category- coming on strong, telling you he loves you, disappearing, then finding "reasons" to dump you. Ridiculous.
And you are not a dork by the way - your 'long' posting was actually pretty entertaining reading. (Not that I enjoy your misery ;)
First off, lots and lots of hugs coming your way from me!!! I understand exactly how you're feeling and even though I can't offer much (I'm in the same state as you), all I can say is that this is HIS loss, not yours, and you will absolutely find someone who deserves you better. This is just fate’s way of removing this guy from your path to finding the right man… Think of the bright side: if he and you went on for another year, you’d be a lot more devastated because you’d be more emotionally attached to him!
I was flabbergasted when I read your post. It just sounds identical to my situation! Mine last 6 months, though (starting in September 05), and I just met him 1 hour ago to give him back his key. The meeting really crushed my confidence, and I’m still trying hard to keep my chin up. I know precisely what you mean by trying hard not to blame yourself, not to wonder the heck you did wrong, not to let your self-esteem be damaged, not to feel completely worthless, not to keep going in circles about the whys and what-ifs etc. Like you, I know I'm attractive, educated, successful, mature, and thus I still can't believe I'm being dumped for no apparent reasons!!! Like yours, my guy came on extremely strong at first and exuded the most loving sensations you’d ever wish from a partner: attentive, caring, passionate, dedicated, wise, smart, witty, educated, good looking yadda yadda yadda… I was cautious and scared at first but I finally let my guards down, only to be dumped a few days ago after he supposedly met another girl and decided to go out with her. What explanation did I get? “It’s not you; it has nothing to do with you; it’s me; I just want to do what I feel like doing at the moment!” WTF????? And he just told me he still loved me 3 days before that!!!! Well, my guy had an 8-year marriage history, so I don’t know if he’s really a commitmentphobe. However, I decided to stop wondering why because I know there’s no way I would get the full explanation, and I’d be miserable in the meantime. I did pathetically asked for an explanation but after getting that vague answer, I decided to drop the topic. When I met him today, he wanted to give me a hug because he “still cared” about me, but I refused. Then he said, “I’m sorry.” I just wanted to slap him in the face but I was too weak to say or do anything back.
Well, sorry to bug you with my story, but I just wanted to let you know that there are all of us who understand what you’re going through, and don’t ever forget that you’re still whole and perfect despite this incident. You’re simply experiencing the pain of rejections. Rejections are painful and hard to swallow. Just know that something good WILL come out of this. Fate just simply slammed the door shut right in front of you because it knows this is the wrong house for you to enter. It wants you to TURN and take a different route so that you can arrive at the right destination. The slamming might feel harsh, cruel, and it might have hit you a little too hard (emotionally and possibly physically), but it is meant to push you off this wrong track you were on. Just be more cautious next time!
I can ramble on and on, but I need to get back to work… If you need some attentive ears, feel free to email me at icuryy3007-1@yahoo.com.
Umm, doesn't seem like rocket science to me .... the guy said he loves you and you didn't say it back. That hurt his feelings and now he is using every excuse he can to distance himself from you so he doesn't have to be around you right now and relive feeling rejected. This seems relatively understandable to me. Perhaps if you give it a little time, if you want, you two can talk and decide where, if anywhere, to go from here. Love Fzz
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hi katorocks
wow that was looong NOVEL..just kidding. anywayss i'm assuming thats why his acting like this coz you didnt answer him the "L" word and never say it to him.
but actually i'm a type of person never say iloveyou to my BF coz i rather show it!! why dont you try to talk to him ask him is this the reason of you not saying iloveyou back to him. thats why his acting like this...ofcourse he will deny right. but tell him the truth that you never been inlove like this before...just to make him feel better!
for my own opinion if you love this guy you need to do something..if you need to lower your pride "do it". in a relationship atleast one of you need to go down so it will work out coz if both of you have that pride...NOTHING GOING TO HAPPEN!
AT THIS POINT I THINK YOU HAVE TO DO IT...THIS GUY LOVES YOU COZ OF YOU DIDNT REPLY "L" WORD..NOW I THINK HE GET MAD AND THINK THAT YOUR NOT SERIOUS TO HIM.
GOOD LUCK
As soon as I read the part of your post that talked about him pursuing you and talking about marriage so soon, it was clear what happened. This is a guy who has NO IDEA what a healthy relationship involves, and the TIME it takes to build one...he's all about the fantasy of a new woman being "perfect" (which of course no one is, as great as I am sure you are!!!). So as soon as things started to get real, he ran.
This is a very, very common pattern, and it's why jumping into things is such a HUGE red flag! I mean, really, you barely KNEW each other...and he's talking about marriage???
It's SO not about you...it's totally about him. He doesn't have a clue about what it takes to build a relationship...he's an infatuation junkie.
Next time this happens to you (and it will...there are a LOT of guys out there who have this particular issue), I hope you'll either be a whole lot more skeptical, or run like heck. It takes a good 4-6 months of dating to even BEGIN to have a clue about whether someone is really compatible with you for the long run, and someone who's a good bet for an emotionally healthy relationship recognizes that and behaves accordingly.
You might want to read "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter to see how common this behavior is for people with commitment issues...although that group is just a subset of the people who rush into a relationship (i.e., not all people who rush have commitment issues, but many do).
Sheri
Hi katorocks,
I have to second Sheri's book suggestion... as soon as I read your original post, I thought: commitmentphobe. A book that has helped me immensely (2 situations) is "Men Who Can't Love" by Sokol. Your guy sounds like he could very well fit this category- coming on strong, telling you he loves you, disappearing, then finding "reasons" to dump you. Ridiculous.
And you are not a dork by the way - your 'long' posting was actually pretty entertaining reading. (Not that I enjoy your misery ;)
Hi katorocks,
First off, lots and lots of hugs coming your way from me!!! I understand exactly how you're feeling and even though I can't offer much (I'm in the same state as you), all I can say is that this is HIS loss, not yours, and you will absolutely find someone who deserves you better. This is just fate’s way of removing this guy from your path to finding the right man… Think of the bright side: if he and you went on for another year, you’d be a lot more devastated because you’d be more emotionally attached to him!
I was flabbergasted when I read your post. It just sounds identical to my situation! Mine last 6 months, though (starting in September 05), and I just met him 1 hour ago to give him back his key. The meeting really crushed my confidence, and I’m still trying hard to keep my chin up. I know precisely what you mean by trying hard not to blame yourself, not to wonder the heck you did wrong, not to let your self-esteem be damaged, not to feel completely worthless, not to keep going in circles about the whys and what-ifs etc. Like you, I know I'm attractive, educated, successful, mature, and thus I still can't believe I'm being dumped for no apparent reasons!!! Like yours, my guy came on extremely strong at first and exuded the most loving sensations you’d ever wish from a partner: attentive, caring, passionate, dedicated, wise, smart, witty, educated, good looking yadda yadda yadda… I was cautious and scared at first but I finally let my guards down, only to be dumped a few days ago after he supposedly met another girl and decided to go out with her. What explanation did I get? “It’s not you; it has nothing to do with you; it’s me; I just want to do what I feel like doing at the moment!” WTF????? And he just told me he still loved me 3 days before that!!!! Well, my guy had an 8-year marriage history, so I don’t know if he’s really a commitmentphobe. However, I decided to stop wondering why because I know there’s no way I would get the full explanation, and I’d be miserable in the meantime. I did pathetically asked for an explanation but after getting that vague answer, I decided to drop the topic. When I met him today, he wanted to give me a hug because he “still cared” about me, but I refused. Then he said, “I’m sorry.” I just wanted to slap him in the face but I was too weak to say or do anything back.
Well, sorry to bug you with my story, but I just wanted to let you know that there are all of us who understand what you’re going through, and don’t ever forget that you’re still whole and perfect despite this incident. You’re simply experiencing the pain of rejections. Rejections are painful and hard to swallow. Just know that something good WILL come out of this. Fate just simply slammed the door shut right in front of you because it knows this is the wrong house for you to enter. It wants you to TURN and take a different route so that you can arrive at the right destination. The slamming might feel harsh, cruel, and it might have hit you a little too hard (emotionally and possibly physically), but it is meant to push you off this wrong track you were on. Just be more cautious next time!
I can ramble on and on, but I need to get back to work… If you need some attentive ears, feel free to email me at icuryy3007-1@yahoo.com.
{{HUGS}}
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