YAY... but BLAH
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| Wed, 06-15-2005 - 4:00am |
so its been a few weeks since ive last posted here; ive been checking up on the site on a very regular and frequent basis but found myself either too busy to post a thread or didnt care enough to want to reopen my wound...
ive been doing surprisingly well in these last few weeks. the school year has ofcourse ended for me since april, and since then - ive been working fulltime, im doing extracurricular work, spending a lot of time with friends, taking one course, and doing a lot of damage shopping! i think about him every day, and often - several times a day. i ache for him and miss him and still get very saddened at the realization of how its all over.... but, at least ive stopped crying... ive stopped dwelling so much and the "physical pain" is gone now... i have even managed to confront the activities that i used to share with him and found myself able to enjoy the things that i was momentarily detesting... so YAAYY to all that good stuff...
however, my "grief" is still all there...i keep thinking of how hes unbelievably moved on and i feel a slight wash of panic over me. i miss him so much sometimes that i just want to call him up and hear his voice. and at the thought of him completely moving on from me and forgetting all about me - makes me want to (and i know this is silly) - but it gives me the urge to do something to make him remember me again! (for example - calling him by "accident" , etc).
right now, im doing some reading for the course that im taking. its a course that i failed last semester (my failure can largely be attributed to the fact that i was BAWLING my eyes out about him the night before the huge final exam!) ... and ive suddenly come across a chapter that i distinctly remember reading with him ... i remember us being at starbucks with him on his laptop doing his own work, and me commenting on some of the equations this chapter presents... this wash of sadness suddenly overcomes me as i remember how much he once adored me, and how suddenly - im nothing but a fragment of his memory. BLAH.
im proud and happy that im no longer the way that i initially was at the beginning of the breakup... its only been about 2.5 months for me and im feeling surprisingly a lot better. but i wish that i could just stop thinking about him... i wish that hed be nothing but a very distant memory for me... something that ill look back on and say, "oh yay.. i kinda remember that" ... unfortunately for me, its not quite the case right now as he still consumes a vast part of me and my daily and emotional life...
as well, ive been feeling a tad bit "eager" lately to find "love." i know this may be silly, but im seriously missing the "omg, im so in love with him!" feeling. its summer time, and the weather is gorgeous, and with all my new shoes and wardrobe and new hair - im feeling the urge to show it off to someone! the majority of my girlfriends are all in long term relationships, and if they arent - theyre in these amazing new "i cant get enough of him, hes so perfect" stage with guys theyve recently started seeing... to sum this all up, it makes ME want THAT too ...
and furthermore, i think i feel slightly frustrated. all the guys that seem to be interested in me now or NOTHING near what id be interested in at all... in fact, one of the guys that i met at work keeps "bugging" me to "hang out"...but im convinced hes gay! lol ...and for the ones that are absolutely great guys - i just cant seem to generate any desire for them whatsoever and unfortunately for me, the ones that i would be interested in pursuing - dont seem to send any signals to me!! ... so all in all, its left me thinking that either my ex was a very lucky guy to have such a great gal like me yearn for him ... but then this thought quickly fades when i turn it into a realization about how the one guy that i cared that much for - doesnt care about me anymore...
anyways... so im doing well all in all and im quite proud of my progress. but still, i have these UGH moments and i still cant seem to completely rid myself of him ... oh how i wish hed be nothing but a faint recollection!
