yeah, not doin good at all

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
yeah, not doin good at all
3
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 11:18pm

Okay I guess I just need to vent because I am seriously sick to my stomach. My ex called me today at work and I have to answer, there is no caller ID...and we talked and whatever and basically thinks that one day I will come back to him and that I've pretty much ripped his heart out, and I seriously can't take it!! I feel so horrible beyond belief! I hate myself so much for doing this to him, seriously I am just depressed. I didn't know I would react this way but I am. I can't even barely go about my daily activity, I just keep thinking about it. I think about what went wrong, and that I hate myself because I can't figure out what I want or how I feel, yet he knows for sure he wants to be with me. All I do is try to figure out why I have been the way I have been.

I really don't know how to describe how I feel. I never get butterflies with him, I don't even get excited to see him. Sometimes I just wouldn't want to kiss him. Sometimes I would get embarrassed by him. I Just never felt a spark, I wasn't constantly thinking about me, he isn't on my mind like that in a good way. I didn't remember important dates, I don't really think of any moments as special and meaning something to me. But yet he is a good man, he cares for me more than the world and that's what hurts! He would do anything for me, and I don't know that I feel the same. I really don't go out of my way for him like he does me. I Just keep playing games with him and am still confused. I feel like he has so much love to offer and I feel that I will never find that again. I am scared, I am so scared that I will never find anyone. And what sucks is that I really have no friends, my best friend is moving to oklahoma in a month, but it already feels like she's gone cuz now she has a boyfriend who she is always with. I went into counseling and I understood what she had to say and it helped, but yet I still have gone back to him.

He tells me he thinks I will always go back to him because he was my first relationship, what if he's right?! I feel so alone, I can't go out because I have no one to go with. I really need to just quit feeling sorry for my self, but I honestly feel like this is consuming me and I hate knowing I am hurting someone. So I think to myself that if I feel this much pain with breaking up with someone, how bad will it be when I get broken up with?!? I can't even imagine.

It feels like he is the guy here, because usually the girl keeps taking the guy back and the guy is the one to mess up, or lie or whatever. So I feel like the guy here, it's weird I mean he remembers every little detail, and thinks everything I do and say means something and what not, its' just crazy.

I guess they say you just know if you love someone or not and for me I just don't know. I don't think I love him. I hate that though because he loves me soo much and I can't even say I love him? That's messed up. I knew from the beginning though, but you hear so often that it can take time and it might happen, well...it never did. So here I am screwed. I hurt him more than ever and now I am so sad and scared and hating myself. Right now we agreed to have no contact, but it feels like I will never be at a point where I will be sure of my feelings or be able to understand everything that's happened. What if I do date around and realize I want to be with him? Could that happen? wouldn't that be wrong though, I mean shouldn't I know right now? I sure the hell think so. I don't know I guess I just hate being unsure. I mean I am pretty sure I don't want to be with him, I don't have feelings like that for him. I just hate how the relationship dragged out for a year! but yeah anywho, I guess I just feel like the most horrible person in the world right now, and I feel like I will never find anyone else, and I feel incredibly lonely...man does this suck....

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 6:51pm

I'm sorry no one responded to your post earlier. I can understand leaving someone who loves you to death but who you don't love as much. I spent three years with a guy when I was 35 because he was crazy about me. I just didn't love him; didn't feel excitement or passion; didn't look forward to seeing him. Basically I was bored. It took me so long to leave because he was a decent guy and he loved me very much and basically we got along ....

Since then I have had three relationships with guys who were fairly exciting and somewhat interesting but not one of them loved me as much as Don did or treated me as well. So I often wonder if I did the right thing when I left him. I could have been married by now with a child ...

But I just couldn't. I couldn't be with someone I didn't feel excited about, so I totally understand how you feel.

He will get over this. Don't worry about him so much. This may not even be the last time he gets his heart broken. The heart is strong and it heals quickly and can love again. The heart is resilient.

You may want to consider continuing with counseling to help you figure out what you want for the next relationship ...

Hang in there. I know this pain is awful. But it does end. You will feel better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2005
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 5:31am

Hello there, I'm so sorry for what has happened but I think deep down you know it is for the best. ALthough my situation is very very different I definitely can relate to your feelings of 'will I find anyone like that again' or 'what if i don't feel that connection' etc etc. Maybe that is just a feeling you get because this was the first relaitonship? Mine was the first relationship also and thats how i feel, like i will never find anyone I have that connection with again.

I hope you are feeling better, I think you did the right thing, I think if you don't know if you love someone during the relationship and you are confused whether you want to be with them or not then that is your warning signal that something is not right. of course feelings grow but if after a year they don't then what's really going to change. Someone once said to me, 'imagine yourself in five years time' and if you are still in the relationship what do you see it as. For me I saw nothing changing, the same cycles etc, its simple but has helped me to understand what I want.

I hope you feel better soon, I think you were very strong to do what you did and to want more for yourself. I broke up with my boyfriend because I want more for myself. Truly the hardest thing I have ever done in my whole life especially because for me there was love there. Stay strong and I hope you feel better soon.

Sandy

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 5:27pm
Thank you guys for responding. It's good to know that someone has been through something like this before too. I guess my problem is that since my emotions have been all over the place and I have been so confused, I just keep trying to analyze the situation and figure it out. I need to accept that there are some things that I just won't understand, right now anyway. I guess now I know how I am supposed to be treated, and hopefully won't settle for anything less. But yeah I think with each day I grow stronger. I honestly can't wait for the day where I can just look back and go geez it's been a long time since i've talked to him, wonder what he's doin. It's hard, because I believe no contact works best but its just so weird to go cold turkey. thanks again...