Yes, I've been through this before, but

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2006
Yes, I've been through this before, but
12
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 1:58pm
I would like to know of some good reading. I don't want the "He's Just Not That Into You" - have it, read it. I need something to get me by during the times of wanting to call him to ask him just one more time why he's doing this, or when I'm crying so hard that all I want to do is vomit (sorry but no easy way to describe it). Any suggestions?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 2:26pm

I'm sorry about your pain. I think just about anything you read will help take your mind off of that. Maybe someone else has a good suggestion for reading. After my last breakup, when I think I was where you are now, I read a bunch....Men are From Mars, Woman are from Venus had some answers for me. Mostly though, I just read what I wanted to and if it was interesting, it helped take my mind off of the analysis that it wanted to do (what you describe).

What really helped get me over it wasn't a book though. It was the realization that the answer to the question you ask doesn't matter. As hard as it may be to take, the truth for me was hard to accept. The truth was that she didn't want to be with me anymore and it didn't matter what the reason was. The truth was also that her decisions shed clarity on who she really was the whole time. With the rose colored glasses on I couldn't see that.

So, everytime I asked the question you ask, "why is he doing this?" and felt a pull to call and ask (again), I told myself the answer doesn't matter and isn't even likely the truth. The truth probably hurt more than the canned answers anyway. So, ask hard as it may be for you to do, just tell yourself each time that you feel this way, that if you were meant to be together, he would have never made the choices that he did. So you seek reasons and answers (maybe so you can try and address those reasons?), but you already have the answer - he did this because you weren't meant to be together.

As you already know, you can also tell yourself you've been through this before (and think about how hard it was those times too) and it passed in time, just like it will this time.

Sorry for the pain and good luck with moving on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 3:00pm

Well I don't remember your situation exactly, so here's one book suggestion. A few people have mentioned this to me (I haven't read it yet, next on my list)... it's called "The Prophet: 26 poetic essays" by Kahlil Gibran. (look it up on amazon.com) I think the gist is just a series of enlightening essays/words of wisdom that apply to life, relationships, etc. Something different other than "he's just" or some of the other ones I always see suggested.

Hope this one intrigues you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2006
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 3:01pm

hi labmrscab

actually its very normal for us ladys to feel all those nasty feeling right esp if were so desperate/heart broken...well actually about your situation now. you feel like calling him....WHY NOT? FOR MY OWN OPINION IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW WHY HIS LIKE THAT TO YOU? WELL DO IT!

ABOUT THE BOOK THAT YOU BEEN READING COME ON GIRL FRIEND THAT JUST A BOOK...BOOK DONT MAKE YOUR FUTURE.. OR DONT PREDICT IF THE PERSON LOVE YOU OR NOT....ITS YOU!!!

SO DONT RELY YOUR DESICION THERE...IF YOU CALL HIM JUST BE READY AND DONT EXPECT TOO MUCH...SO IT WONT HURT YOU! OR EITHER CALL HIM JUST TO SAY HI DONT OPEN UP ANYTHING ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP....ACT NORMAL!

COZ I KNOW YOUR EXBF WOULD UNDERSTAND WHY YOUR CALLING HIM...I MEAN HIS NOT THAT STUPID FOR HIM NOT TO KNOW THE REASON OF YOUR CALL.

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING I KNOW YOUR CONFUSED...BUT BE HONEST COZ I KNOW YOUR THE ONLY PERSON COULD KNOW THIS...."DO YOU FEEL THAT YOUR EXBF STILL LOVES YOU?

THE ONLY WAY TO KNOW THIS....IS TO LOOK/FEEL DEEP IN SIDE YOUR HEART. JUST REMEMBER IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR IT TO WORK IT HAVE TO BE ATLEAST ONE OF THEM TO PUT THEIR PRIDE DOWN AND IT DOESNT REALLY MATTER WHO DOES IT ALL THE TIME....ALSO REMEMBER IF THE PERSON GET BACK TO YOU ITS NOT BCOZ HE WANTS TO DO YOU FAVOR...BCOZ HE REALLY WANT TO BE WITH YOU!

GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS YOU

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2006
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 4:23pm

lled2,

Thanks for the response. I do recall having one of the Men are from Mars...books at home, but I do believe that a long ago ex took it with him! :)

As much as I would like to know the truth behind his sudden bizarre behavior, I will not call him. I heard enough for 1.5 hours on Saturday shortly after he left my house. Everything from how he thought he was falling in love with me, but now knew that he wasn't (not sure what the heck that is supposed to mean!); how something just wasn't clicking; how he thought he would be okay with not having children because he thought that I might not want any, but he wasn't; how he woke up that morning in my bed and panicked at the thought of being a "step parent" (and this is coming from him after spending NO time with my kids whatsoever - we hadn't made it to that point - or, I wasn't ready for that quite yet, but I thought we were getting there! All of this happened on Saturday morning. Earlier that week, he had returned from a long weekend away and then spent the entire week with me. Told me how he had missed me. There was ABSOLUTELY no sign of him doing a complete 360 on me. During our conversation on Saturday, I asked him when the revelation came to him. He said it hit him as soon as he got into his car from spending Friday evening with me. How convenient. Although, he apologized up and down for hurting me and he never wanted to hurt me, blah, blah, blah.

And you wanna know the funny thing? I keep trying to figure out if he really was genuine and sincere the entire time I knew him. I wanna say yes and that he did just get scared, but come on, I've had my kids the entire three months of our dating. I didn't just become a mother last week!!! Another funny but twisted thing is that I feel like I'm being unreasonable. ME! Why can't I just understand that he got scared, panicked, etc. and just learn to deal with it? I should be more understanding of this, right? After all, he is only 31, never married, no kids, etc. I also want to know what is wrong with me? What did I do wrong? What the heck is wrong with this picture???

In the end, all of my questions, all of my analyzing, all of my wondering really isn't going to make a difference. It is what it is. It being that he decided to be selfish and do the uncaring thing by hurting someone and having no regard for their feelings. Bottom line.

Edited 4/3/2006 4:36 pm ET by labmrscab

Edited 4/3/2006 4:48 pm ET by labmrscab




Edited 4/3/2006 5:13 pm ET by labmrscab
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 6:24pm

I agree with IIed2, it might be better to focus more on your self then the questions you have as to why the relationship ended. Try reading "Self Matters" by Dr. Phil if your looking for a good book!

Hugs and good luck to you throughout this.

:) Katy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 6:36pm
I can relate to your confusion. Even when he apparently knew he was going back to his ex, the guy I was seeing was acting totally normal, spent the day with me, was affectionate and loving, talking about our future together. That kind of stuff can drive you crazy if you think about it. I don't have any words of wisdom, except to say I'm going through the same thing as you (3 month relationship also), and yes, I've been through it before too. I was hoping it would get a little easier this time...
Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 7:12pm

I would suggest Men Who Can't Love to begin to explain people who get scared and just seem to bolt with no warning. If you go on Amazon.com and type in that book, it will begin to bring up other lists of relationship books and you can pick out what appeals to you. The more books you look at, the more different lists it brings up. I have found it helpful to read the book reviews, because contained in those is a lot of practical advice from people who have been through the same thing. It's almost as good as a message board.

I have gotten the advice, too, to not worry about WHY and just to focus on yourself. But there was no way at first that I could begin to do that with feeling hysterical and depressed and needing to grasp onto anything I could just to get through the day. Being a book person, books are one of the main things that saved me. I started with the WHY books and am graduating to the more ME-focused, self-esteem books. We all do this at our own pace. Only you know what will help you most. Just try not to get stuck at one stage, and also reach out to friends, family, and counseling if you can, at the same time.

Go at it with the idea that this is probably way more about him than you, and there was probably not much you could have done to prevent it. You will probably come to that firm conclusion after you do some reading, too.

My relationship was 6 years, and I like to explore and digest issues, so I am giving myself two more months to read all the self-help books I want on any topic, and I am pretty sure I will grow tired of thinking about it and move on by then. But until then, I will saturate myself in it. That is the only way I can do it, and it has worked wonderfully in the past. Good luck! There have been many books discussed on this board, so do a search.

One more caveat. I am not sure how you feel about having other children, but IF you have come to the conclusion you definitely don't want any more, don't try to talk him out of having one or assume he will give up that desire. That is what broke up my Ex and I. I spent six years with him, knowing from Day 1 he wanted children, but thinking he would give it up. I am now 53. He just left me to import an internet babe to have a baby immediately. Learn from my heartache.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Mon, 04-03-2006 - 7:33pm

Just in case you haven't seen it yet, here's a link to the board website:

http://www.geocities.com/breakingupishard/reading.htm

There are links about some books that have helped me in the past. Also, I actually read a book once called "Don't Call That Man!" It's a pretty short book, easy to read, so it might help you in a moment of weakness... especially if you leave it right next to the phone. :)

Hang in there, it gets easier!

-Nikki
co-cl of Breaking Up is Hard to Do!
Visit the Breaking Up is Hard to Do web page!

Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2006
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 10:40am

Thanks. I have heard of the book, "Don't Call That Man". I have Borders close by so I think I'll be taking a walk at lunch today!

It's only been a few days since the break up and I go back and forth. One minute, I think I'll be fine and this is going to be easier than I thought and the next minute, I'm ready to cry!!

I was on the train this morning coming into work (which gives me plenty of time to think) and there it was...I just wanted to cry. Because I couldn't take the chance of my mascara running and walking into work with swollen eyes (not to mention the others on the train who would have thought I was a mental case), I sucked it up! I hate the thought of being alone (not a couple) when the warmer weather comes around. I'm the opposite of most. I like to have someone in the warmer months and could really care less about the holidays, although that's nice, too.

I keep thinking that he'll call me to say I'm so sorry and I just got scared, or something to that effect. I'm pretty sure that isn't going to happen and even if it did - do I really want to try and reconcile with somebody who, after three months, came right out and said that he doesn't want to be with me because of my children (who, by the way, he has NEVER spent any time with).

And to top it off, I told him on Saturday that I wanted my money for something we had planned on doing in the future and for which I had already paid for. Immature, maybe, but I felt at the time he dropped a bomb on me that I wasn't going to pay for him when he wasn't planning on going. At any rate, I told him to drop off the money in my mail box and last night he did. I guess that I was surprised that he did it so quickly but also surprised that he left no note with it. Not even a "hope you're well". It's hard for me to figure out how this all came about because there were absolutely no signs and he was the most sincere and sweetest person that I've met in a very long time. Oh well.

Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-04-2006 - 12:35pm

Men Who Can't Love, it's all in there.

It does feel like a roller coaster of emotions at first. You just have to ride it out.

And when I asked my Ex for a couple of my things, he, too, very unceremoniously mailed them to me without any note attached, just like he had no emotion whatsoever. I think we look for some sign of feelings or reconciliation, and are disappointed, but that might not be a good thing, because I think deep down we know these guys are not right for us.

I dated a guy for six years who never warmed up to two of my children, and it was a constant heartache. That would always be a source of hurt for you, I am afraid.

I wish I had more comfort for you. I think you are doing the right thing. Hang in there. Your future is probably a lot brighter.

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