Yikes with Ex
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| Tue, 11-01-2005 - 3:37pm |
So my ex and I have been done since middle of June with a final trauma in July. NO CONTACT until september and absolutely have not SEEN eachother.
UNTIL, he came over one night in early october/late spetember and we slept together. He came over to "apologize" for past cruelty on his part, etc. We talked a lot too and I ultimately thought he came over because he felt badly, and he probably missed me in his own way too. Then NO CONTACT again until this past week when he called to see how things were and then the next night, AGAIN we slept together. It was very "wham bam" sexy kind of thing and secretive. Basically I just called him, and asked if he wanted to share a smoke. He left his friends and was over my house within minutes. We had a smoke, had hot sex, and he went back to his friends. Then he called about an hour later and came over again for another couple of hours.
He has a new girlfriend too - she is 6 years younger, still in school and they got together out of the blue not 2 weeks after he broke up with me.
Doesn't he sound like a dream????? - more like a nightmare.
Has anyone done this? I am in therapy now and am doing so much better than I ever had in the past and know I do not want to "be with him" yet I cant help but look forward to another secret rendevouz. OK, I admit it..... COMMENTS please.

OF COURSE!!!!!! Who hasn't?
I mean - I know I have!! We were split with no contact for a couple of months and then he came over and pretty much went the same as you just described it.
It makes sense really - if you have already had a sexual relationship with that person, then it is comfortable, familiar, etc. It is easy to fall into that physical closeness. All humans need it and you are getting it from a "known" source.
The tricky party is when you heart/mind start getting involved and it is no longer just a physical act if not for you, even for him. And then how do you manage that? It's best not to get involved that way again.
It sounds like you are on the right track with therapy. Keep at it!
Does it mean anything at all that he has a girlfriend now and he admitted to his last sexual encounter being just the night before???
I guess once I start analyzing the "what does it mean" lines is when my heart/mind is back in it, right?
He and I were together for a year and a half but we broke up like 5 times in that period, always falling back into eachother.
I truly know I could do better but am secure enough to admit that I do miss him, at least I really do miss the attention and sexiness of him.
Therapy was a mind saver, and I have been doing it since August with great success. Boy my therapist may be disapointed ...
My mother even suspected that he and I were at it again and once I told her she was like, "of course". She says she suspects he will come back for more and even maybe try and get me back in the future.
My question is::: WHY, if you dont TRULY want to let go, do you let go in the first place, and then come back, and then go away, and then come back, and then go away .....
LIFE!!!
Yes, I've done something along these lines, years ago...and the shock of realizing how harmful this behavior was finally got me into counseling.
I hope you are talking to your counselor about this and that you will realize soon how harmful it is. The "ick" factor alone was part of what finally got to me...how morally bankrupt my ex was to have another gf and be sleeping with me and how I did NOT want to be a part of that sickness.
Sheri
I agree Sheri. I think we've all done the ex sex before but it never got us anywhere. Isa, I know it feels like you are being subjective and can see that it is bad. But you are fooling yourself. I too thought if he kept coming back to sleep with me that it meant he couldn't let go. He must really care about me if he always comes back. But really he was a horndog and was just out for sex thrills behind his g/f's back... They aren't mature enough to be in a serious monagamous relationship. If his g/f was availible for a romp that night, he would have banged her too. Or whoever else he has on the side that is so willing to give him great sex. I did the exact same thing that you are doing, no pressure, seduction and the best wild sex they've ever had and they never say no. BUT they don't see us as relationship material and never will again. It's sad, because Isa, I know your heart really wants to love him, but you know how to get his attention. Using sex gets him for an hour but you'll never get his heart. Doesn't it make you mad that he'll see you in secret and take HER out on dates, and buy her gifts and say "Love you's" by candlelight and plan exotic trips with? I know you think you can handle just being secret FWB but you deserve so much better. It ended up breaking me, I lost myself, my morals my self esteem, and my dignity. I used my desirability to determine my self worth. I found myself surviving on "when" we could secretly meet again and how I could win him with sex. Only after getting away from the "sickness" then I could see it for what it was. Try saying no if he calls, and stop calling him. Don't fall for the crap when he acts dissappointed that you've ended the friendship, and says he misses you. Remember if he cheats on her with you, than if you ever won him back, he would cheat on you in a heartbeat. When I grasped that, I finally let go. Bottom line: He's a piece of $%&* and you want a piece of $%&* to want you. Ask yourself why?
Grace
YES!@!!!
I so agree with lilgrace76.
I just got back from a session with my therapist and we discussed it. I think I am at a crossing point with this. I could get back in and totally get crushed and obsessed again, OR I could keep moving forward as I have been before he popped up again.
He isn't good for me. And he doesn't REALLY want me, and I totally want so much more out of a relationship. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo I will not call him.
Right now I have no urge to call so its ok. The sex is so hot and i'd like to do it again, but i do know better and wont.
Thank goodness I no longer fool myself until its too late and i'm caught back in the web again.