You know what angers me most?
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You know what angers me most?
| Tue, 01-02-2007 - 5:56pm |
Before we decided to become a couple, I told him that I had baggage. I told him about my rape, my PTSD, my depression, my meds, and I told him that I had anger and trust issues. I even told him that if he still wanted to pursue me, I would settle for a sexual relationship, simply because I didn’t think he could handle me in a real relationship. No one else has ever been able to. But he assured me that I was what he wanted and he would work with me through my problems… and he did for a while and I fell so in love, thinking that I finally was going to get this one right. Now I can understand that he may have had a change of heart after dealing with a few of my panic attacks and outburst, but what I can’t get over is the fact that he acts like everything surrounding our breakup was a total shock to him. He had the nerve to tell me that I scare him. He totally acts like I didn’t give him any warning of what to expect when I go through my mood swings. And it’s not the break up that hurts so much. I’m almost used to guys dumping me at this point. What hurts is the way he broke up with me. He just started ignoring me now, like the words, “I love you” and “I care for you” never left his mouth. He’s never even came out and said, “It’s over.” He just faded me out like I was a nobody, promising to call, but never did, giving me the “Just give me some time” speech. It’s been almost a month since no contact and it pains me that he walks pass me and nod at me like I’m a complete stranger. Hey, I know I can go out on a limb emotionally, but I’m back in counseling and back on my meds and I told him the last time we talked that I was going to do better. I’ve even stopped drinking (new years resolution). But do you think he’s called to say, “How are things going?” I mean, we were like best friends and now he treats me like I don’t even exist. I just don’t get how someone can be so loving at one point in a relationship and turn around and be so uncaring at the end. And the worst part is, although I’ve finally been strong enough not to contact him in almost a month, I’m still secretly waiting for a call from him. I don’t know what I’d expect him to say, but I would love to hear anything that shows that he still cares even a little so I can stop feeling so worthless.

I can understand your feelings, but just to play devil's advocate, it's one thing to say that you can handle something in theory, it's quite another to see whether you can in practice. Now, what he should have said was, I'm willing to give it a try and see how it goes instead of saying he was fine with it when he didn't know, but he didn't. But that's a pretty human failing and one that perhaps you can forgive him for when you're ready.
The bottom line is, he's not right for you. If he were, he'd have been able to handle you as is and have been fine with it.
You're in the anger stage and it's natural that you're feeling the way you are. But as you work through it, you'll gain acceptance that he's just not a guy who's right for you. Someone who was wouldn't have left you hanging like that.
And as far as him calling you--you're broken up. It's not his job anymore to call you and ask how things are going. I know that's one of the hardest things about a breakup but that's the deal.
Your feelings of worth need to come from YOU, not from someone else. You're in counseling, right? Hopefully that's something that you're continuing to work on with your therapist.
The feeling of wanting him to call will pass, but it's going to take a while, because you can't have no contact with him because you work together right (am I remembering your situation correctly?) So unfortunately the time it will take will be longer than it would if you didn't have to see him at all. But I have several friends who worked with their exes and they got through it eventually even with having to see the ex every day.
Sheri
I feel your pain. The relationship may have been too much for him. He may not have known this at the time. I would try to let him go. For whatever reason, he was unable to be a gentleman, and that is wrong. But he is not all men, and you will find someone better. I know that doesn't help now.
I just wanted to say that aside from him, you are SO strong! As you said, you went out on a limb emotionally for him, and with all you've been through, that is a HUGE achievement. (I've dealt with panic, I know not all guys can handle it. But the way you handled things is so admirable.) I wish you could reread what you wrote. Take out the stuff about him and look at what you wrote about yourself, and give yourself time and patience. You're in counseling, taking your medication, stopped drinking, you've done a lot for yourself -- a lot more than most would do. And please do it for yourself and not him or any guy. Please pat yourself on the back for opening yourself to him. I am going through a similar thing that you are, and it is HUGE to do what you did. You are not worthless. I know you think it might help to hear from him. Maybe it would, maybe it wouldn't. I know that what I said probably doesn't ease your pain, but you have inspired me. Thank you.