Young man in need of advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2006
Young man in need of advice
2
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 2:20am
Hi all,
My ex split up with me about 5/6 months as she said i was not putting enough effort into our relationship. At the time I was extremely busy with my uiversity course and I had purchased a holiday for her 21st birthday which cost a lot of money so I was also working all the hours I could to pay for it. I realise now this was not what she wanted, even though I was trying to do something special for her by this grand gesture i had forgotten how important the small things are to a relationship and ended up hurting her greatly. I have never felt as much pain in my life as i did the months after we broke up and i tried to do all I could to win her back, but to no avail. I honestly thought she was the one, we had both talked about marraige and i had a dream of spending the rest of my life growing old with her. I loved her more than anything in my life and now shes gone, even though iv tried to move on I cant. I accepted we will never get back together again and sometimes I can get on with things but then something reminds me of her and throws me off again. I have tried to be a friend to her and sent her a few text messages which she often does not reply to. It was also my birthday recently and i kinda hoped to hear from her but nothing happened not even a message to say happy birthday. I realise now she is completely over me and does not have any feelings towards me anymore which hurts as now am i not only alone but i am alone in longing for the relationship we once had. It has lead to me becoming extremely down sometimes and i have started drinking a lot to try and forget but i have come to realise im only making myself worse. I just need a way out, its hard to think that she has moved on when im stuck in what seems like a never ending cycle of beginning to forget then the pain coming back again. I have had relationship opportunities since but no-one seems to compare to her. I just want to get on with my life as this is starting to affect my uni, friends and even my sleep. I just want to know what to do as i have no-one else i can truely talk to as she was my best friend as well as my girlfriend. Any advice would be greatly appreciated no matter how harsh it may seem. Thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 1:17pm

Humans have incredible egos and the ability to talk ourselves into things that aren't necesarily true.

Just because she didn't communicate with you on your birthday or doesn't respond to your text messages doesn't mean she's forgotten about you or that she's completely over with you. She just knows and understands that most people need a period of 'no contact' to really heal.

Every time you reach out to her and she doesn't respond, you feel rejected all over again, which jump starts the cycle of pain and grief again. My advice, stop reaching out, stop trying to be a friend. You need to be a friend to yourself first. So stop doing things that bring you pain.

Grieving is a process that takes time and everyone goes through the process differently. Thankfully, you've learned that drinking really doesn't help the process. You have to FEEL IT to go through it. There are positive ways to distract yourself - contact old friends, do volunteer work (especially during the holidays), get a massage (pamper yourself by taking care of you), organize your home/bills/life, short term counseling, reading some good self-help books (see list below), take a class in something creative (build something with your hands), or something physical (baseball, basketball, etc).

Journal writing is another good tool. Write daily, every morning when you wake up, empty all your thoughts on paper, vent, scream, etc on paper. You don't have to only doing it in the morning, you can pick up the pen at any time you feel the need.

Books to consider:
Rebuilding When a Relationship Ends, Bruce Fisher
Olive Juice...and Other Thoughts on Love, Heartbreak and Moving Forward by Eric Champnella

The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz
How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

And for the future:
Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman

You will get through this. It's just a matter of allowing yourself to grieve for what might have been, for what could have been, for what you hoped would have been.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Fri, 11-24-2006 - 7:50pm

Hang in there buddy. I'm in the same situation as you - except maybe one or two years older. Mine fell apart right before 4th year started. I guess most of the posters here are female, but I can completely relate with you.

My advice would be that you don't contact her anymore. Realizing that there's probably no chance for you guys to be together again, you just have to force yourself and tell yourself to move on. That might necessarily mean cutting her out of your life - deleting her IM contact, putting away old pictures. I know it doesn't really work, but it's a start.

I think with a bit of time, that whole cycle of forget-remember starts fading. It hurts like hell (and some days are incredibly worse than others) but it fades very slightly everyday. Sometimes, I catch myself wishing it wasn't fading and really holding on to everything I can remember, but when you cut off communication altogether, it'll fade regardless of what you do. And there's no hurt with some heavy drinking - the first few nights, some buddies and I got totally trashed. But real healing is gonna take a lot of time regardless.

Best of luck