Accepting Its Over and Hurting
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|Wed, 11-13-2013 - 1:37pm|
After not hearing from my ex for the past 7 weeks since confronting him because I suspected he cheated on me, I guess its safe to say its over. Last week I sent a text message saying, "Are we never going to speak again because we had a fight? It's been 6 weeks, life is short." Still no response, so I've made the painful decision to move on. Secretly, I'm ashamed to admit, I still love him deeply. If he wanted to discuss the issue, or express he's sorry, any sort of explanation, I'd accomodate him. It hurts so much that after I made the first move to make things less tense for him to approach me, he still hasn't.
I knew him for 9 years and we dated on and off. At the time, his ex girlfriend was going through cancer, and for whatever reason, he was obligated to her, I'm not sure what their history was, other than that he raised her children. Anyway, I accepted it, we parted amicably and that was it. She passed away, 3 years later. Two years later, making it a total of 5 years since we were together last, he started contacting me by text and email until we finally made a date. He apologized for leaving 5 years earlier, and acknowledged his mistake and expressed that he wanted us to be together. I thought about it for a while, and loving him the way I did, I didn't judge or question him but opened my mind to the possibility of a future with him because thats what he expressed he wanted.
I took him back, heart wide open...Isn't that what God says we're supposed to do, forgive and hold no grudges? Things were great, for around the first 4 months. We were making plans to move in together, talked about marriage, etc. Then he started going hot and cold, and started making the realtionship feel more casual...I pulled back a bit too, thinking he needed space...This went on for a few months. I would still see and hear from him, but it wasn't the same as when we first got back together. However, at the time, I didnt get the feeling he was cheating, at least not yet. The sex was still regular, I still had access to his house, etc.
Around the end of June, he started pulling back again, but more drastically. Now I suspected he was cheating. He would only initiate contact when I called him, left me hanging when I tried to make plans, and wasn't having sex with me. Six weeks passed then things went back to normal. When I asked why he pulled away, he told me he would never do it again and that he would make more effort to share what was going on in his life with me. Again we settled back into our usual routine. Though I suspected he'd cheated, I didnt bring it up and went with the flow. Finally a week or two later I was at his house and saw a wrapped condom on his nightstand. I didn't let him know I saw it, I just made an excuse and left. Thats when it dawned on me that this was the reason for the distance. Whether he slept with someone, or was planning on using it, it became clear something happened during his 6 week absence. I thought about how I was going to confront him and did so two weeks later.
Though I kept calm, he was angry and insisted he didn't cheat and was adamant. Still I maintained my composure. Since he clearly wasnt going to admit to anything, I started pointed out why I suspected him of cheating in addition to finding the condom, based on him pulling back, etc. Then I used the opportunity to let him know all the other things that I'd been holding back over the past few months. I couldn't think of a better time to say what was on my mind because I'd held my tongue all the while. I even tried to blame myself in an effort to get him to confess, but he didn't. I finally let him know if he wanted to talk let me know. I told him that if he still insist's he didn't cheat, fine, I wasn't going to ask him about it anymore and if thats what he wanted to do, there was nothing I could do about it. I told him that I need to be with a man thats into me on the same level I'm into him, and left. That was 7 weeks ago.
About a week later, some mutual friends told me they heard he was asking for advice as to how to approach me, still insisting he didnt cheat. Just because hes telling his friends he did nothing, doesnt mean its the truth. In my heart, I know something happened. The one thing we had for sure was an active sex life and when he wasn't asking for it from me, that was a clue. Not to mention, the night I was at his house and saw the condom on the nightstand, while we were having sex, its as if he couldnt look me in the face...When I started telling him how much I was enjoying it because we hadn't done it in so long, he pulled out of me, and just hugged me tight until he fell asleep. It wasnt until I got up to get dressed that I noticed condom. When I saw it, I felt sick to my stomach and just wanted to get out of there.
Its hurting me like hell that he still hasnt come forward, I cry at night, and other times, I think of it and I break down. It hurts so bad to think he didn't even think it was worth it for to approach me, even after I made the first move toward discussion...I took a huge chance on him after 5 years, but he doesnt think I'm worth keeping to try to offer an explnation...Why did he come back into my life to hurt me? I understand he may be ashamed or embarrased for getting caught, but at least try to explain, say something to me! I'm so heartbroken, yet still hope he may come forward.I hate to admit that though I'm upset at him, I still love him. I have decided that I'm not sitting around yet I still want him to at least acknowledge me.