Accepting Its Over and Hurting

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2002
Accepting Its Over and Hurting
8
Wed, 11-13-2013 - 1:37pm

After not hearing from my ex for the past  7 weeks since confronting him because I suspected he cheated on me, I guess its safe to say its over. Last week I sent a text message saying, "Are we never going to speak again because we had a fight? It's been 6 weeks, life is short." Still no response, so I've made the painful decision to move on. Secretly, I'm ashamed to admit, I still love him deeply. If he wanted to discuss the issue, or express he's sorry, any sort of explanation, I'd accomodate him. It hurts so much that after I made the first move to make things less tense for him to approach me, he still hasn't.

I knew him for 9 years and we dated on and off. At the time, his ex girlfriend was going through cancer, and for whatever reason, he was obligated to her, I'm not sure what their history was, other than that he raised her children. Anyway, I accepted it, we parted amicably and that was it. She passed away, 3 years later. Two years later, making it a total of 5 years since we were together last, he started contacting me by text and email until we finally made a date. He apologized for leaving 5 years earlier, and acknowledged his mistake and expressed that he wanted us to be together.  I thought about it for a while, and loving him the way I did, I didn't judge or question him but opened my mind to the possibility of a future with him because thats what he expressed he wanted.

I took him back, heart wide open...Isn't that what God says we're supposed to do,  forgive and hold no grudges? Things were great, for around the first 4 months. We were making plans to move in together, talked about marriage, etc. Then he started going hot and cold, and started making the realtionship feel more casual...I pulled back a bit too, thinking he needed space...This went on for a few months. I would still see and hear from him, but it wasn't the same as when we first got back together.  However, at the time, I didnt get the feeling he was cheating, at least not yet. The sex was still regular, I still had access to his house, etc.

Around the end of June, he started pulling back again, but more drastically. Now I suspected he was cheating. He would only initiate contact when I called him, left me hanging when I tried to make plans, and wasn't having sex with me. Six weeks passed then things went back to normal. When I asked why he pulled away, he told me he would never do it again and that he would make more effort to share what was going on in his life with me. Again we settled back into our usual routine. Though I suspected he'd cheated, I didnt bring it up and went with the flow. Finally a week or two later I was at his house and saw a wrapped condom on his nightstand. I didn't let him know I saw it, I just made an excuse and left. Thats when it dawned on me that this was the reason for the distance. Whether he slept with someone, or was planning on using it, it became clear something happened during his 6 week absence.  I thought about how I was going to confront him and did so two weeks later. 

Though I kept calm, he was angry and insisted he didn't cheat and was adamant. Still I maintained my composure. Since he clearly wasnt going to admit to anything, I started pointed out why I suspected him of cheating in addition to finding the condom, based on him pulling back, etc. Then I used the opportunity to let him know all the other things that I'd been holding back over the past few months. I couldn't think of a better time to say what was on my mind because I'd held my tongue all the while.  I even tried to blame myself in an effort to get him to confess, but he didn't. I finally let him know if he wanted to talk let me know. I told him that if he still insist's he didn't cheat, fine, I wasn't going to ask him about it anymore and if thats what he wanted to do, there was nothing I could do about it. I told him that I need to be with a man thats into me on the same level I'm into him, and left. That was 7 weeks ago.

About a week later, some mutual friends told me they heard he was asking for advice as to how to approach me, still insisting he didnt cheat. Just because hes telling his friends he did nothing, doesnt mean its the truth. In my heart, I know something happened.  The one thing we had for sure was an active sex life and when he wasn't asking for it from me, that was a clue. Not to mention, the night I was at his house and saw the condom on the nightstand, while we were having sex, its as if he couldnt look me in the face...When I started telling him how much I was enjoying it because we hadn't done it in so long, he pulled out of me, and just hugged me tight until he fell asleep. It wasnt until I got up to get dressed that I noticed condom.  When I saw it, I felt sick to my stomach and just wanted to get out of there.

Its hurting me like hell that he still hasnt come forward, I cry at night, and other times, I think of it and I break down. It hurts so bad to think he didn't even think it was worth it for to approach me, even after I made the first move toward discussion...I took a huge chance on him after 5 years, but he doesnt think I'm worth keeping to try to offer an explnation...Why did he come back into my life to hurt me? I understand he may be ashamed or embarrased for getting caught, but at least try to explain, say something to me! I'm so heartbroken, yet  still hope he may come forward.I hate to admit that though I'm upset at him, I still love him. I have decided that I'm not sitting around yet I still want him to at least acknowledge me.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Thu, 11-14-2013 - 12:28am

I really don't think he came back into your life to hurt you!  He came back into your life because he knew you, and he was at loose ends, thought of you, you were available, and it was on again.  Within 4 months, things were getting iffy.......he was not as available to you, he was hot and cold.......meaning he was re-thinking his situation.  Four or five months is about the time that happens.  Nine years before, your dating was "on and off" too.  So you confronted him about cheating.....and he denies it.  I've never known a man who readily admitted to cheating!  It doesn't really matter.......because you already knew things weren't right.....he just didn't have the guts to tell you.  I think you're living in a dream world.  You knew in your gut that things weren't right......and your confrontation gave him his out.  You let loose on him and told him about all the things you'd been holding back......so right there you admitted to him that you knew something was wrong.  You tried to blame yourself???  That's just off the chain!  That's desperation!  After seven weeks, he's not going to "acknowledge" you.  He knows how you feel.......and you did him a favor by giving him an out.  He's gone, and it's time for you to start a new chapter in your life.  No one is happy over a breakup, but 99% of us get over it.  There are a lot of fish in the ocean!!!

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 11-14-2013 - 12:51am

  It sounds like you too are looking for a reason to end this.   People change over he years and he went through a very emotional time.  Caring for a dying person is very difficult.   The condom is a none issue most ment by them in hopes of.  Then if it is not needed it stays so that is null.  What is important is that you seem to be ready to move on anyway.  IMO you are looking for an excuse.  I suggest just saying good bye honestly.  Say good bye because it seems that is what you want to do.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2002
Thu, 11-14-2013 - 11:27am

Thanks for your honesty...When I shifted the blame to myself, and asked him if I'd done something, that was a ploy to get him to confess, but it didn't work.  I really wanted things to work out this time. You're right, most men rarely admit to cheating, even when caught directly. Yes, I knew something was wrong all along, before the condom event, but I had hopes that it could be fixed. When he came back after his 6 week disappearance and we seemed to get back to normal, I was willing to forget my suspicions until I saw the condom. Then I knew I couldnt hold back any longer.  It still hurts to think after all that time, and knowing me before, he didnt think it was worth a discussion after, no one wants to feel that they were used or unwanted.  I know in time, I'll get over it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2002
Thu, 11-14-2013 - 11:35am

I didn't really want to say goodbye, but obviously he used this as a reason to walk away. No matter how much you love a person there are certain things you cant be blind to, and I saw his hot and cold actions, but hoped he would come around as he normally did. I always hoped we could work out our differences, and had I not seen the condom, I would have gone with the flow.  Once I saw it, I knew I couldnt stay silent any longer. As far as saying goodbye honestly, I let him know my feelings in the hopes that it would make him  take a look at things and want to work on it but I guess thats not the case. It just hurts that after knowing me for so long, he can just step away like that, without even thinking it was worth discussing after I took another chance on him.  I know with time, I'll get over it, it just hurts right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2013
Tue, 12-10-2013 - 1:09am

I am so sorry this happened to you.  I am in a similar situation and see no end in sight right now.  It has been like 3 weeks since your post and I am wondering if you are doing OK.  Can you share any coping methods that work for you?  I hope this post finds you in a better place.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Tue, 12-10-2013 - 10:06am

Ingrain it in your head that men who run hot and cold are never prospective life partners. The man who is right for you will make you feel special every day and will want to communicate with you daily. The best way to prevent yourself from choosing the same man over and over is to work on your self esteem. A woman who values herself would never for one second put up with poor behavior like extended periods of time with no communication. A man will make it very clear whether or not he is crazy about you. If he's not, there is no convincing, questioning that will make a difference, or waiting around and hoping things will improve. Delete his number. Your closure is time and distance from this man who only cares about himself.

Why did he contact you again? He missed a warm body to temporarily have sex with. There are plenty of men in the world who take what they want and don't care what mess they leave in their wake. When you mentioned forgive and forget, that what Jesus would do? Wrong. That's only in certain circumstances. A smart person uses their brain and thinks about how past behavior predicts future behavior. Sometimes people can change, but it usually takes a big epiphany, which often isn't the case. You have to guard your heart. Nobody else is looking out for you. That's your job. Remember, you are the treasure and a man has to treat you right to stay in your life. If he doesn't, he's cut off immediately and you can be free for when the right one comes along. Put that note in your nightstand and read it every day. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2002
Tue, 12-31-2013 - 1:01am
Hello... I'm sorry that you're going through what I am...I don't wish heartache on anyone.... I have my good days and bad...There are times I think I did the right thing by confronting him and feel proud that I stood up for myself by letting him know I'm not stupid. Then there are times, I miss him regardless...IAt times I still try to give him the benefit of the doubt meaning, if he really didnt cheat, then why was the condom there? There's no other reason..Unless he was going to do it, but forgot to cover his tracks, which to me is the same thing...I would have liked to think that he cared enough to try to explain, but he didnt, he left me hanging and sometimes thats worse. I've surrounded myself with family and friends thorughout the holidays, and I've been taking it one day at a time...Am I over it...No...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2002
Tue, 12-31-2013 - 1:15am
Thank you for your honesty...You're right, the long periods of time without communication were unacceptable, and I wasn't standing for it anymore which is why I had to confriont him and let him know I saw the evidence of his actions....Im not the type that gets bent out of shape if I dont hear from a guy for a few days, but when it turned ito weeks, thats what got my suspicion going. Then he returns 6 weeks later and we're back on again like nothing happened and making plans to live together like we were before, and I was going for it until the night I saw the condom then realized what he'd been up to.... Still there's a aside of me that wanted to believe that he cared, that after the confrontation, he would have had some level of decency to try to make it right...I even tried in my mind to give him the benefit of the doubt trying to reason that maybe he hadnt cheated, but it doesnt explain the condom, so whether he did or didnt doesnt matter... I do value myself, but wanted this to work so badly because I believed that he came back to me because he cared, and missed me like he said in the beginning, so I held on to that. I havent contacted him again, since, nor do I intend to....Time will be my closure, though slow.