How to get over someone you still love ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
How to get over someone you still love ...
8
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 8:41am

I originally came to iVillage after a long hiatus to post on the singles board about how to maybe start dating again (or just get some insight into middle-aged men).  It just seemed too sad over there for middle-aged women so I just read posts all over trying to decipher what I am feeling and what I needed to find here.

Background: I started posting on iVillage in 2007 when I met and fell madly in love with a man that I still believe is a soulmate to me. Well, I discovered that even IF someone is your soulmate, you can't always live with them. About 3 years into that relationship, after a lot of ups and downs and soul searching, I let him go because I KNEW that I could never live with him even though I still loved him. I had to tell him that I didn't love him anymore to get him to leave me alone though and go on with his life which broke my heart, but I still think it was best for both of us.

In the process of reading a lot of posts on several boards here, I have come to the conclusion that the reason I can't move on and be with someone else is because I am still in love with the man I sent away. I say I want to date, but I don't put any real time or effort into it. I really don't mind being alone, but companionship would be nice and I really do think I would be ready for that if I can get the soulmate guy out of my head and heart.  I mean its been three years and I still love the guy?  I really do want to move on.

Anyone have any advice or perspective on this situation?  How do you stop mourning the end of a relationship if you still love the person and move on?

Thanks in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 08-19-2012 - 5:50pm

Tami-kins, my suggestion to get over him is to try and figure out why you see someone who's controlling etc as your 'soulmate',   Likewise, question why you'd love someone who had this behaviour.

For me, the first glimse of this behaviour would turn off my love like a lightswitch.   Is there a reason you kept the feelings going instead of reacting with a "F&^% you" attitude and walking away from him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Fri, 08-17-2012 - 3:13pm

I can tell that you never actually met a 'soulmate' in your life and don't believe in that.

Thanks for the comment. I will consider what you said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
I'm curious why you say a man you describe as "VERY controlling and aggressively confronting" is your "soulmate". Do you feel like a man who behaves like that is someone you want to attach your soul to?

Maybe you aren't really into dating because you know somewhere deep inside that your mindset isn't ready yet. You may realize that you are attracted to men who are bad for you, and your subconscious is trying to protect you. And for some reason you are interpreting that as still being in love with this controlling and aggressively confronting man.

I took a LONG hiatus from dating because I got out of a 4 year relationship with a man who lied, cheated, hid things from me and did drugs. I recognized that there was something seriously wrong with my mindset if I thought I wanted a relationship with a man like that, and that I even thought I was in love with him. I didn't trust myself to make good dating and relationship decisions. And I proved that point to myself because the one man I did date after my relationship ended also lied, cheated and did drugs! So obviously I had work to do on myself. I had plenty of opportunities to meet men and to date, but I chose to stay home alone instead. I felt that I would know when I was ready to trust myself and my choices again. And I believe I am there now, but that came only after being single and date-free for almost 2 years.

If you still believe that a man who has the qualities you describe (no matter what other "wonderful" qualities he might have) is your soulmate, maybe you could consider taking time off from dating to examine why you think that way. You'll be much more successful at dating and finding a good man to have a relationship with once your mind is in a healthy place and you trust that you will make good choices.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 3:20pm

It was behavior he exhibited that made me come to the conclusion that I couldn't ever live with him.  We lived across the street from each other for almost the entire time and for the most part it worked (even though my grown kids HATED him).  But as his bad behavior (VERY controlling and aggressively confronting when you disagreed with him) actually became worse (maybe because he realized that I would not let him control me), I knew that I didn't want to live like that.  And some people may be able to afford to live alone and support two housefolds but I could see that he was not going to be able to do that because of health issues his job was causing him.  If I had stayed, he would have ended up moving into MY home and I probably would have let him.   Wasn't going to work, so why prolong the agony.  Now if I could just get him outta my head!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 3:13pm

That actually sounds like a good idea ... going to try it.  thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-1999
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 1:03pm

Why do you feel that you need to live with him? If you love him but living together brings problems why don't the two of you maintain your independence but continue to be a couple? Why is living together the only option? It would seem semi-independence would be much more preferable to what you are experiencing now.

dablacksox


Cynic: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.---Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 9:30am

I have seen you in singles life (and I agree with you), nice to see you here!

Not a quick fix, but years ago an older lady gave me some very interesting advice.  She asked me to write down in a couple pages what I want my life to look like next year.  When I got done, I found out the man I was trying to get over with had no place in that "picture".  She then asked me to make a list of an "ideal man", with one column for deal breakers, and one for "nice to have but not crucial".  When I compared the list to that man, he got an F grade!  (Too many deal breakers). 

While I don't go about looking for dates with a list, I think the mental exercise helped me sort through what I truly want and how that man was so wrong in so many ways.  More importantly, it helped me move forward.  It took over five years to meet my current DH and almost ten years for my life to start merging with the one I wanted to have.

It is a slow process, and may sound strange to many people, but it was great help to me.