I'm not living anymore. I'm just existing.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
I'm not living anymore. I'm just existing.
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 2:26pm

I met my ex-boyfriend almost two years ago. It sounds so cliché to say this but there were sparks imbedded in our very first conversation. Love at first sight? Maybe not exactly, but especially close. As soon as I met him, I knew I wanted to spend forever with him. He was so different and his thoughts on everything were unlike anyone else’s that I had ever spoken to. He was smart and kind and very quickly we were spending every moment of every day together. It was by far the best two years of my life. I believed, and still do believe, that we are soul mates. And that we are meant to be together. About a month ago, he started to seem a little different. He told me he was depressed, and he had slowly stopped eating. His mother wound up checking him into a rehab center, and I was so proud of him for getting help. But since he’s gotten out, he isn’t the same person anymore. In all honestly, he suddenly wanted nothing to do with me. I was telling him that I wanted to come see him and he had no interest. I don’t know if I did something wrong, or if he met someone in the rehab center, or what has happened. I’ve been crying every single day for the past month since he’s been gone. There’s so much empty space without him here. I’m so in love with him but I feel like I’m suddenly nothing to him. All I want is his happiness but I’m not ready to accept that that’s what being away from me brings. I’m not living anymore, I just exist. I wake up; go to work, come home, sleep, and repeat. Someone told me never to give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about. I don’t want to give up, I always promised I would never give up. But I’m hurt and confused and depressed and I miss him so much that I could never properly explain it to anyone. I am young, yes, but I know my heart can’t be wrong.. I don’t even know how to begin letting go..

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Sun, 09-23-2012 - 6:31pm
If he's truly depressed, he needs to focus on getting well and not on a relationship with you (or anyone else). This needs to be about HIM now, not about you and what you want. I know it's hard and it's sad, but depression is a serious medical condition and needs to be treated as such.

If you truly do love him as much as you say, you'll stop trying to get him to talk to and spend time with you and step away. Let him get well and when he is, perhaps he'll be ready to be with you again someday. Or maybe he won't. But in the meantime, keep busy, do the things you need to do and be kind to yourself. If you believe you're nothing without him, you will be. Don't tell yourself that; tell yourself you'll be fine and eventually you will be.