Anger....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Anger....
6
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 8:32am
I have gotten so much help from this board. Even though I havent posted often, I have read a lot of encouraging things here. Its been a very difficult year for me but I know that I have come a very long way and that is encouraging too. What I dont understand is why there is so much hate or anger towards the other person in the A. Didnt everyone know that there would be pain somewhere along the line? Even if the OM had left his family there would be pain for the family left and pain in the new relationship. It is the nature of an affair. I was the married one, I couldnt leave my marriage. I truely love my OM and it hurts so much to hear some of the names you call the OM in your lives. Jerk-wad? Maybe your man deserves to be called that, maybe he was one, but not all people who make a decision to stay in their marriage are the bad guys. I had to end things, but I truely love my OM and I know that he knows this. I hope he remembers me with love and thinks the memories are good ones as I do. (even through the pain) An affair hardly ever has a happy ending. Ive learned that now, and the pain is a reminder to me to work hard to be happier in my marriage. My single OM has moved on too. He has a relationship that is much healthier than the one he had with me and because I love him, I am happy for him. I couldnt always say that, but Ive never had disdain for him and I really hope he never has for me.
Avatar for raspberrykat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: boogieblues
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 8:44am
I think a lot of us do feel like you do. I know I certainly do. I'm in the same situation as you (kind of) I'm married - he's single and also in a new relationship. What I struggle with is loving him so much, I don't dislike him at all, he is a wonderful man and his new g/f is lucky to have him. We still talk, but sometimes it is just frustrating for me .... to many feelings there yet on both sides. When we started this affair (for the 3rd time) we agreed that it would end and that we would remain freinds. I'm glad the affair is over, it was not healthy for either of us ..... and I know I will never enter into another affair ..... you are correct in saying that it hurts everyone. I will love this man forever .... it may just be in different ways, there are many different levels of love ..... JMHO

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: boogieblues
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 8:54am
Thank you so much for saying this. I have felt those same feelings time and time again. I have even posted to a few who chose to aim and point fingers at us married people calling us choice words for that particular day. I am not in denial to the fact that hey seeing another man while I was married (even though I had been physically seperated for 6 months)was a BAD BAD BAD choice. I was in denial...and in the end I have 2 problems instead of the one that I should have dealt with in the first place. I also have no ill-will torwards my xom. He has started dating after 1 month of NC and although it stings alot I realize that he has every right to be happy with a SINGLE FREE woman. Yes I love him, yes I WISH that things were different that we could move forward with a future but time came upon us to deal with reality and for me to get off my butt and DO SOMETHING, MAKE A CHOICE instead of living my life in such limbo. Not fair to anyone! I may have been a CHOICE WORD for awhile but I am not now.

Thanks for posting that boogieblues!

:)Racychk30

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: boogieblues
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 1:42pm
I have been through an incredible range of emotions towards XMM. I have been angry - furious... and called him every name I can think of (not to his face though)... I have loved him, thought I hated him... I have wanted to be "just good friends" and I have wanted to be nothing more than casual acquaintances who say hi in the hallway in passing. I have wished he would move to the other end of the earth...

I think it's completely normal to call names and go through a wide range of feelings towards the XOM/MM in our lives. Many of us have been hurt... whether intentionally or not... by these men. Some of us have allowed ourselves to be used and treated quite badly (speaking from experience here). Many of us have been disrespected and lied to... and believe me - I also have anger at myself for allowing that.

My goal is to one day not care at all - complete lack of thought or feeling towards XMM. I want to not jump when the door opens and it might be him... I want to lose that "radar" that can pick him out of a crowd from a mile away... I want to not dream of him or think of him or care if he exists at all. Maybe I can even get to a point of fond memories, of feeling that we shared something that was special to me (if not to him) and that's all... but I absolutely understand the name-calling and ANGER - it's a normal and sometimes necessary phase... not everyone goes through it, but that doesn't make it wrong...

Just MHO

Glinda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: boogieblues
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 9:01pm
I'm puzzled about that too, the number of ladies who are so bitter. I knew exactly what I was getting in to when I started my affair, and since I was married I was in no postion to argue when my single OM moved on to a more appropriate relationship. It does appear that the common denominator among the ladies who are angry is that they have been LIED to. I guess I'm lucky that I wasn't lied to (that I know of). He never said he loved me. Of course I wanted him to but maybe that would have made it more painful in the end.
Avatar for guardedticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: boogieblues
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 1:42pm
The key here is understanding all these relationships are different even though there are many common denominators. It involves different people who all have different personalities and ways of handling loss. It is about understanding that anger is a normal part of the grieving process and depending on how it ends and if the affair was ever discovered makes a lot of difference in the ending as well. It depends on what was said and experienced in the affair. There are so many differences involved and because anger is a part of how we grieve, it really depends on how we deal with our anger as to whether we got into name calling when the end happened. We all need to remember that what we say here is our way of releasing the anger and not necessarily how we will ultimately feel about it all once the entire healing process has occured. Also, the worst thing any of us can do is to ever take a post personally realizing that we are all dealing with the same pain.

JMHO

GT

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: boogieblues
Sun, 03-30-2003 - 3:51pm
I can't say that I have anger for my MM (now XMM as of tomorrow). I got mad at him and he at me from time to time but I don't have deep seated anger nor do I think he's a jerk. If he was it would say a lot about me choosing to have an A with him. As you can see from my name, he is my friend and always will be and I will always love him and he says he will always love me, as friends, even best of friends. We just let things get carried away and shouldn't have but we did. He's a good man and that's why his conscience bothered him so much. He couldn't bear the thought of being with me when I'm M and he knows my H and when he's M. It's weird, but I didn't have the guilt he did. Probably bc my M has been on the rocks and I detached emotionally from H long before the EMA started. I was in a very vulnerable state, and MM was too when it happened. Now we can see clearly (I think/hope) and know that we love eachother but don't want to do anything that will ruin or hurt eachother or loved ones. I can't stand to see him in anguish from the guilt and bc I love him more than he probably knows I am putting distance even between our friendship to make it easier for both. He doesn't want that but I feel it will be in both our best interest. I feel that if you truly love a person you will do what is best for that person, not necessarily what you want for yourself. That's what we're both doing for eachother. He's a good man and I don't want to be the cause of him doing something that goes against his conscience. We have consciences for a reason and it's only when we listen to them is when we benefit. When we ignore them our consciences get dull and after a while no longer talk to us bc we become numb to the proddings of our conscience. I think what people experience is being hurt and sometimes when we're hurt we express it with anger. We all know what we're getting into when we get in an EMA and that includes getting hurt. Life is too short to be angry.