heading towards ending my affair. I'm gonna need help

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
heading towards ending my affair. I'm gonna need help
Thu, 08-02-2012 - 7:49am

wow.. what a site.. Originally I was posting with 6 women at the art of love and intimacy.. but her blog closed UGGGH i miss my girls over there.  I'm 39 female, Happily married 4 children 3 girls 1 boy all gradeschool.  I have a friend I met who was my tennis partner. We started as friends. he's a nice guy (as is my husband). His first A and mine.  He's 13 yrs older and his 2 sons and 1 daughter are all older. His kids live out west and are successful wonderful kids with careers and starting families of their own. He's emensly proud of them. He's here with his wife for 3 years on a job assignment.. his job  involves helping families... I wont go into it.. but it's a commendible profession ... We've fallen in love and I feel so bad, my chidlren are little. the affair has been going on about 10 months.  He's becmoe my best friend.  It's hard I would say the first thing that is hard is that its a HUGE TIME WASTER! I've attemptd to end it now 3 times. He is madly in love with me and says he wouldnt want me to miss out on the chance to raise my kids with their father so he wont push me to leave, but the minute I say go, he will break the news to his wife.  It is soooo tempting. he has some independent wealth and offers to take me many trips that I could never afford. this makes leaving even more difficult as he offers stuff because he just wants to be with me so much. He's in shape, but not as much as my husband, in fact i dont know what lead me to him, except hes kind and very intelligent .. he only became handsome more and more after being around him

My husband is my type he's athletic - think lance armstrong- sweet, WONDERFUL loving father, offers me the world, He's a professional but we are not wealthy. We ARE content. About a year and a half ago i can rememer telling my children, "i hope for you someday you will be as happily married as me and your father are".  So How did i get in this mess?

Everytime I try to leave, i feel a pain that rips my chest apart. He is kind and I know he wants me. Unlike some of the folks on here I really have a kind person. He is sweet and doesnt speak badly about anyone...We are just two nice people who happend to fall in love and are married. I guess I could find faults with him. He is obsessed with me and- the I love you's are nice, but they are constant. . . He is giddy around me... He's so smart- (think PHd in counseling) and Strong but with me he loses all strength.   HES M ARRIED.., the constant asking me to go away with him is killing me. The gifts make me feel guilty too.  It's my first affair but I'm not dumb, I can tell he would be very good to me. 

BUT I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND MY CHILDREN AND I DONT WANT TO GET CAUGHT AND I AM SOO TIRED . . . when i try to leave, his words are -sometimes we just have to let things happen...dont be hasty Kate, we have a good thing here'  I would agree, and given the chance with him single I WOULD RUN AWAY WITH HIM... ANOTHER THING....i get incredibly jealous- not of his wife, oddly.. of the chance some he will end his marriage, and find someone to give this wonderful attention, love and sex to . IS THIS RIDICULOUS!!

so my need for help are these two areas.. 1. getting over hurting his heart. I am honest when I say he is a kind soul.. our friends always say to him ' you are such a breath of fresh air, you always make people feel happy '.. because he s so kind

2.  the jealousy that if i dont take him some wonderful woman will come along and sweep him off his feet and get the life i kinda want (not a lot just a bit)..

- this being said, he's been married 33 yrs and has not had an affair, and believes hes found the woman of his dreams.. sometimes if i focus on the fact that he's so obsessed  with me that it would take atleast 2 yrs for him to get over me, and by then I wouldnt care if he's found someone to leave his wife for.. because my fog will have lifted..

my day that I'm choosing to leave is September 1st.  I'm sorry that i have to give a date but we have several commitmens with our tennis league - mind you I've tried this 3 times but this time I really want it.. I'm AGING  and I'm not sleeping.  and i love my children and husband.

Thanks please help!!

ps i hope you dont judge me for failing 3 times - the last time i was 6 weeks without sex but his eyes led me back.. so i think that the NO CONTACT is actually where i need to be :smileysad:

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2011

Hi Kate,

You are heading in the right direction but you have to be very clear with yourself that you are going to do this. You are still in the thick of the "good" things about the A, and it it does feel that way, but once you have some distance you will be able to sort out much more effectively and you will see that it is not all good, and life with xAP (there, i've said it for you) would NEVER be as good as what you have with a life partner and family. The A-hole gets narrower and darker as you reach the bottom until so little light from any other part of your life gets in you can only see yourself in the A. Trust me, climb out and you'll be amazed. I had a "perfect" A partner too,and in those cases it's never about a problem with them, it's just that an A precludes so many good and true things in your life - it's just not worth it, and you will only get more tired trying to hold it together.  

Match point here! 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005

I just happened to scroll down and here you are!

Welcome aboard

If I may, I'd like to bring some things to your attention that might help you with your September 1 cut-off date.

1.  Hear...really hear...what he is saying "-sometimes we just have to let things happen...dont be hasty Kate, we have a good thing here' ...  What I hear. "don't mess things up Kate, leave it alone, we have a good  eat our cake and have it too thing going here.'  Sounds to be that he is perfectly happy with his cake on the side and has no intention of going anywhere beyond this perfect little set up.  All the rest is just blah blah blah to keep it afloat and the extra on-the-side feelgoods flowing his way.

2.  And, actually most importantly, he may be sweet and kind on the outside, but what do you think his wife and all those who think he is sweet and kind would say if they knew..."Yeh, sweet and kind my ass...real nice guy"   He's lying to her (and probably to you too) and betraying her.  Now, I know that's hard to hear because what does that say about us...yeh, the same...we are lying and betraying our family.

I'd like to see you end this now rather than later.  Every time you connect, you are pushing the envelope to a Discovery Day.  If you haven't already, please read the Discovery Day thread.  Many of us were fortunate enough to have escaped one, but it doesn't mean it can't still happen...after the affair has ended...even long after.  But you will read of the headache of those who did.

Knowing someone for 10 months and throwing away a marriage for something that hasn't even stood the test of time or seen the light of day and probably won't pan out would be folly on your part, but I think you are realizing that.  

So, I just wanted to say hi while you were down here...see you upstairs.  I hope you stick around and start the process of gaining back your self-respect and working hard to going back and living the honest life with integrity.