I'm back...again...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
I'm back...again...
Wed, 05-21-2003 - 4:38pm
Wow, haven't been here in months, due to not being able to follow through with ending my A. To make a long story short, I was told on Sunday that my OM had bought an engagement ring for a woman he is hoping to propose to in a few months (I had NO idea she even existed!!) and I told him that we had to end this. He of course, still wanted my friendship, and I wasn't sure what I was going to do about that. My husband moved out about a month ago, and, while he knew there was something wrong, he didn't know quite what it was. He and I spent the day together the other day, and I confided in him that I was about to lose my best friend (he knew I wasn't referring to him) and that I was going through some things. Yeterday, he came to pick our son up (he's 10) and, come to find out a few hours later, he (my son told him where to go) drove over to OM's house and begged him to let me go. Told this man that "my wife is very much in love with you and I want to do whatever it will take to salvage my marriage, please don't accept and phone calls, emails, etc. from her" I guess they had a decent talk, and my OM promised to not have contact with me again (actually told my husband that he had NO idea how this happened and that he had been trying to find a way for a long time how to let me go without hurting my feelings becasue he thought that our friendship was getting too intense and he worried I would fall for him). I know I need to feel grateful that my husband is willing to work on things with me, but there are SO many issues here. I am not in love with my husband, I haven't been for a very long time, but I DO love him, we have three children together and a decade of marriage. I wanted the chance to walk away from OM for my OWN sanity, not because my husband went over there, now I've lost that chance. (I'm also embarrassed and worried about what OM thnks about me now...) Also, I don't feel anywhere near the love for my husband that I feel for OM (I know it will fade) and I don't know if I am capable of it, and yes I have told my husband all of this.

I guess I basically need support, and to know that it WILL feel better that I went cold turkey, no closure, yadda yadda, and that I am lucky to have a husband who thinks so much of me. One more thing. My husband is unaware (I'm not exactly sure why) that I was having a physical relationship with OM, I believe that OM steered him away form that thought while he was there, and my husband never asked me, I think he thinks that because I was rejected by OM that there was never any contact. Do I tell my husband (it will destroy him) or do I let him think that nothing happened besides my heart being taken by another man? Please help, and some of you old-timers (to the board, that is!!) give me some guidlines on how to repair my relationship. Thank you all, and THIS time I'm staying, no matter what!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 05-25-2003 - 3:24pm
Jess: I felt the same way about my H - I knew I loved him,but didn't think I was IN love w/him. I felt that the love I had for XMM was way more than my H and that might be true. You can't compare the 2 - it's apples and cumquats. The A was so new - the heat and intensity of a relationship that's just coming together. We couldn't sustain those feelings because if we did, we'd all explode. They move into another kind of love. Part of the reason I didn't want to work on improving my marriage, especially in the heat of the A and when it just ended, was that to me, it would be ackowledging that I'd never be w/XMM like I wanted to. But when I really realized that the A was over and started focusing on my H, I realized that I really do love him. Yes, it's different than w/XMM. But it's a history; it's helping your children stay happy. And it can work out.

I never told my H about my XMM. He knew that I'd been friends, over the phone, with someone. I told him it was work-related and that it was someone who's phone calls I looked forward to. But I'd never tell him the extent of the relationship. It would hurt him too badly to hear that I was in love with this man; that I'd been unfaithful emotionally and physically; and that there was a point that I would have left everything in my life for this XMM. My H would never forgive me; never look at me the same; and it would hurt him too terribly. I couldn't live w/myself knowing that I'd hurt him that much. As much as I hurt when the A ended, I wouldn't want my H or my children to hurt 1/2 as bad as I hurt. And the truth would hurt them all too much. I can work thru my pain and live with missing him for the rest of my life if the trade-off is that my children, parents and H don't hurt like I did.

I promise you that you will get through this pain. I'm not saying you won't have days that are really hard. There will be. Even now - and technically we ended the relationship in Feb, talked some, saw each other once in Mar, but really, it's been over since Feb with some back-sliding in there - 3 months later, I still have days that are really hard. And I'll be honest and say today is one of those days. But I know I have to do what's RIGHT and that is not to call him;not to email him. Focus on my life NOW, in the moment. It does get better. I had a day last week that I went a couple of hours w/o thinking of XMM - first time since I met him. I celebrated that little milestone. Because those days will come more and more and the time-span will increase as well. Though I know that I'll miss him forever and love him forever. I can't have him -ever.