Just an update

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Just an update
1
Wed, 05-14-2003 - 10:15pm
Hi, I have not been to the board for about a week. An arguement between me and my H ended up in him admitting that he had been reading my posts on this board. He will not admitt it but he is a total priviate eye....this was so personal and I felt so good being able to be honest, and get such great advice. This is a person (me) that can not seem to get themself together, I have only been crying a couple times a week now....that is much better but I had decided to not post on the board anymore because It was not private to me and what would be the point??? If he is reading everything I write anyway....Well, I have had a couple days to think about it and I have decided that it is BS. I am going to come on here when I feel like I need to....if he reads it then he reads it. Obvoisly he we are not comunicating well enough for him to just actually come to ME and ask me questions that he has that he has to SNEAK into my board that I found!!!

Anyway, the update on the best friend....a lot of you told me no contact would be better and to get into theropy.....QUICK... I have still been working on that but I have been talkig to the OM wife everyday. We were best friends for nearly 7 years and I feel such a great bond with her that it has helped so much to talk to her about this. I think she knows that I am hurting over what I did and I think she is starting to understand a little bit more of what I was thinking....I have had a very shady past....I was pregnant at 15, walked across the stage for graduation five months pregnant with my second child at 17...not to mention raped at 13 years old. Sex to me is not an emotional thing. I got caught up in something that was way over my head with a person that was a TOTAL profecional!!! Im starting to forgive myself slowly but really its just been knowing that I have contact with my friend I betrayed so badly....I dont know what is in the future for anything, my H goes to court on Monday for breaking a protective order and assult on me. That will be one step to what my future has to hold. I kept this big SECRET of my affair for about 5 to 6 months and now, NOW I am just starting to be able to get out of bed in the morning and look at myself. I dont know what to do about H insecuritys still and that is a whole other issue I still have an issue with forgivness, expecially when I ahave dealt with an affair that HE had three DIFFERENT times..and all the stuff he pulled while we were seperated for 3 or 4 months...EXPECIALLY what he put in the court papers. expecially everything he said and did to my family and attacking my mother hood...just because he could not handle getting a divorce. I am trying to understand but I also have issues conserning him but we dont talk about it much...it all just ends up in an arguement!!!!but that is my update for now....but I dont always believe in the "No contact" rule.....maybe if it is only a stranger....

Take care and I just love all of your advice!!! Your all so wonderful!!!

Thanks

Lydia
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
In reply to: lydia1972
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 1:08pm
Hi Lydia, I'm glad to see you're doing better. I also have a couple of suggestions for you. First you can change your user name if it would make you more comfortable here. Also if you post in the section above under new discussions your post will get noticed quicker. The off topic ones aren't noticed as much and yours was definitely not off topic. For your husband, if he is reading your posts then welcome Lydia's husband! Maybe you'll find that all of the men and women here can help you too! I wish both of you the best of luck in sorting out your problems and finding some peace in your lives.