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|Mon, 08-01-2011 - 10:00pm|
If it is not possible to go NC, you can still gain the same finality but it takes vigilance, practice, and a rigid mindset that there is no waivering from. Since you cannot physically remove yourself from the situation, it is imperative to practice emotional detachment. Since we are all addicted to our xaps, this concept takes practice and a lot of soul-searching. It is important to understand WHY you allowed yourself this attachment in the first place so you can better innoculate yourself when around xap. First, it is worthwhile to"arm" yourself with affirmations and visualizaions to reduce xap's power over you. I imagine myself in a bubble that noone else has access to....NOONE gets in my bubble! Then I remind myself..."he is just another person, he has no power over me, I am absolutely fine without him, his actions and feelings have nothing to do with me, I deserve to feel good, I am healing, etc. And I remind myself that no matter how much emotional pain I am in, I must not under any circumstances, reach out to the source of the pain. I pick three instances of disappointment and anguish caused by xap and I remind myself that I will feel that way again if I allow him any access to my heart. Do not engage in any way wih xap.....the emotional part is over no matter how deeply you feel. And it is not only important to let go yourself, but even more difficult is allowing xap to LET YOU GO. You must let him give up. This is toughest for me because of the validation and feel-goods and the finality. But it is essential to let xap give up on you. When xap sees that you finally mean it and you have stopped feeding his ego, he WILL get the message and it takes another round of strength to let this happen. It is important to avoid eye contact, keep your body language strong and assertive....SHOW that you have boundaries...do not cower. Any dialogue should be kept to the point and business-like...no emoting. This is hard at the beginning when you're so raw. And it is hard to be cold when you have feelings for the person but this is the price of freedom for both parties. By entering into an A, we expected more han life can deliver. We got greedy and lost our values. So now the rules are different. I am finding that there are many layers to healing from an A, and it takes practice to keep moving forward. It is overwhelming to grieve secretly, figure out what went wrong in our emotional lives that led us here, determine ways to improve all of our weaknesses to protect ourselves from future A encounters, AND keep xap out of our lives so we can begin our journeys and stay thecourse. Sometimes, it's just a matter of sitting with the pain and not trying to fix it. But like working out muscles, our emotions must be trained, too, and with enough practice and vigilance, LC can be just as powerful as the silence of NC.