LC recommendations

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2011
LC recommendations
5
Mon, 08-01-2011 - 10:00pm
If it is not possible to go NC, you can still gain the same finality but it takes vigilance, practice, and a rigid mindset that there is no waivering from. Since you cannot physically remove yourself from the situation, it is imperative to practice emotional detachment. Since we are all addicted to our xaps, this concept takes practice and a lot of soul-searching. It is important to understand WHY you allowed yourself this attachment in the first place so you can better innoculate yourself when around xap. First, it is worthwhile to"arm" yourself with affirmations and visualizaions to reduce xap's power over you. I imagine myself in a bubble that noone else has access to....NOONE gets in my bubble! Then I remind myself..."he is just another person, he has no power over me, I am absolutely fine without him, his actions and feelings have nothing to do with me, I deserve to feel good, I am healing, etc. And I remind myself that no matter how much emotional pain I am in, I must not under any circumstances, reach out to the source of the pain. I pick three instances of disappointment and anguish caused by xap and I remind myself that I will feel that way again if I allow him any access to my heart. Do not engage in any way wih xap.....the emotional part is over no matter how deeply you feel. And it is not only important to let go yourself, but even more difficult is allowing xap to LET YOU GO. You must let him give up. This is toughest for me because of the validation and feel-goods and the finality. But it is essential to let xap give up on you. When xap sees that you finally mean it and you have stopped feeding his ego, he WILL get the message and it takes another round of strength to let this happen. It is important to avoid eye contact, keep your body language strong and assertive....SHOW that you have boundaries...do not cower. Any dialogue should be kept to the point and business-like...no emoting. This is hard at the beginning when you're so raw. And it is hard to be cold when you have feelings for the person but this is the price of freedom for both parties. By entering into an A, we expected more han life can deliver. We got greedy and lost our values. So now the rules are different. I am finding that there are many layers to healing from an A, and it takes practice to keep moving forward. It is overwhelming to grieve secretly, figure out what went wrong in our emotional lives that led us here, determine ways to improve all of our weaknesses to protect ourselves from future A encounters, AND keep xap out of our lives so we can begin our journeys and stay thecourse. Sometimes, it's just a matter of sitting with the pain and not trying to fix it. But like working out muscles, our emotions must be trained, too, and with enough practice and vigilance, LC can be just as powerful as the silence of NC.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Wed, 09-07-2011 - 5:25pm
I read this often, GH. I had been LC with Xap since last month. It did.not.work. Though contact was work-related and never personal, it felt the same. It evoked similar feelings. I found myself checking my work email too often. I read an email from Xap too often. It felt like I was spinning my wheels, my mind trying to fool my heart. So I made some big changes, opted out of some professional events and am now NC Day 2 of NC, not exactly where I hoped to be a month after the A ended, but moving forward now, I do believe.

That's the plan.

Gypsy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2011
Wed, 09-07-2011 - 12:50pm
It has been a while since I posted this so I've had time to practice and it IS getting easier! If you are at the beginning of LC, have faith that it can work. Iddy is right that these boundaries are good in all areas of life. People will not take advantage of you if you don't let them. My xap is giving up because he gets nothing from me. I am learning that he was addicted to my validations, too and without anything to feed the fire, it slowly burns out from lack of oxygen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
Tue, 09-06-2011 - 1:17pm

GH,

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Absolutely. When I instituted LC it was for my own protection. After all, no one else is going to protect you, especially not the XAP, so don't even fool/kid yourself that that's going to happen. Many want to see you crumble again, and others will turn a cold shoulder, making you feel more minimized than you already are. By setting boundaries, you then become totally responsible for any further pain that may be hurled at you if you decide to ignore them.

Make it clear to XAP that any intrusion is unacceptable, and you do through UTTER SILENCE. Do not explain....do not complain. This can also apply to any other situation when you want to be in charge of your life and your future. No one has permission to crap on you if you do not give it to them. (We are talking bout things you can change and not about things that are beyond your control.)

Great post. The thread on "Rules for Maintaining LC at the Workplace" covers much of what you wrote about too.


Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2011
Sun, 09-04-2011 - 2:29pm
This is really helpful...thank you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-08-2011
Tue, 08-02-2011 - 6:50pm

Thank you for posting this goodheart. I'm reading and rereading...