newbie...i need support

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
newbie...i need support
12
Sun, 11-13-2011 - 5:49pm
Hi. I have been lurking here for two months. You are all so strong and insightful you have helped me as a lurker. I have been afraid to join out of fear that my H could possibly one day see my account. I have been married for 17 years and have 3 kids. I was in an A for 18 mos w a coworker. I tried to end for the third time 2 months ago. I never made it more than 4 days w NC. I kissed him again a few days ago and have now again said its over. I am so frustrated by myself. My H has tried to address issues in our M and reall is a good man. I don't want to hurt him or my children. I know right from wrong. I know I deserve better and so does my family. I know it could never work w my XAP, yet I hurt so tremendously, and I am so impatient with myself for being unable to move forward. I am vowing to maintain NC as I hear from all of you it is only way that works. I need to break my obsessive thinking. I am so scared and in so much pain. I was doing better, then I slipped last week and I am back to square one. I know what I need to do, but I need to reach out to those that can understand. I don't have anyone I can talk to. I have an appointment with my physician coming up to talk about the anxiety and depression I feel. I cannot afford a T nor would my H understand. I know I am rambling, I just wanted to reach out to those that have been in my place. Thank you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2011
Sun, 11-13-2011 - 6:06pm
Welcome Hopeful, such a huge step to go from lurking to posting! Sounds like you need to talk and post often to get through these beginning days as you know it's the hardest part. I work with my ex as well and it certainly brings different challenges when you break away from the affair. How closely do you work with your ex? Do you think from past experience that he will fish? The reason ask is because now is the time to plan how you will work around him in a LC situation. Think about what triggers will be there when you work with him next and ways you can handle it.

It would be easiest to not have to see them all the time but you can get through it this time, I promise! I'm 8 months out and never thought I'd make it when others here told me I would... and you will too! Read often and post often. If you need to let it all out more privately feel free to message me and "vent" ;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Sun, 11-13-2011 - 6:46pm
Thank you for your reply. Just knowing there are others out there that can relate and support is a relief. Yes, I am sure he will fish, and I also know a part of me wants him to so I don't feel forgotten. I am a complete contradiction! I don't want contact yet I want validation. Its so crazy. If I had known 18 mos ago where this wld lead I wld have run. I do need a plan for the fish. I think I will have to post here to keep my fingers from texting him. Thanks for the offer to contact directly too
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Sun, 11-13-2011 - 8:58pm

Welcome! I am four days out myself and am struggling right along with you. We are both M and not leaving our spouses so we mutually agreed the

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Sun, 11-13-2011 - 9:09pm
Thanks room to grow. I hope we can encourage one another. I have always viewed myself as a strong person who has overcome many things but this is the most difficult position I have been in. I think partly because the double life continues as you try to hold it together for your family, heal yourself and grieve in silence. I wish we had decided mutually, it is always me trying to end it, I swear he would go on forever even though he is M as well. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2010
Sun, 11-13-2011 - 9:15pm

I will post more later. My family came home. I actually tried to end it in my head and heart for a year before now. We ended up talking again and getting more involved emotionally after that. Tough stuff. Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Sun, 11-13-2011 - 9:34pm
it is tough. Thanks. Take care yourself :)
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sun, 11-13-2011 - 10:55pm

Hopeful,

Welcome.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Mon, 11-14-2011 - 7:24am
Wow thanks RBM. You are right. I need a plan, I have been reading here for 2 months, but I do not have a plan. I ended it the way it stared...no plan at all. Funny too, because I like to plan. I am not myself when it comes to this A. I will think today of concrete things I plan to do to overcome my obsessive thoughts, how I will handle work situations, fishing etc I came here because you all seem so brave, honest, supportive and insightful. I need that to get me through. I realized that and that's why I decided to stop lurking and post
Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Mon, 11-14-2011 - 8:28am

Start posting in the General Section and you will get more looks and responses and help.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2011
Mon, 11-14-2011 - 9:55am
Ok, I will post on general section too. Yes, I knew the A was coming, I know what signals we both sent, I just meant I went in without a plan. I didn't think about anything but the highs I was getting from the A, not where it would lead, not the pain it could cause, nothing. I wasn't thinking about anyone or anything obviously but myself. Thanks for your advice. I do not want a dday. I am terrified of hurting my H and children like that. I am ashamed of myself. I will work on my plan, because I want to succeed. I do not want to be the person I have been, I want my life back, I want the pain to go away, I want to protect my family.

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