Sometimes surprises are sweet (very long

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Sometimes surprises are sweet (very long
Sun, 10-26-2003 - 8:11am
I don't know where to put this post; I'm not even sure I should put it anywhere. But it is a good story, and extremely personal. Thought I'd share it here. Some of you know that I am in "rebuilding" mode w/ my wife, and trying to rechannel energy & focus her way. We've had a bad week. Real bad. I posted earlier that she's been pulling away. I've been having doubts & frustrations. Just kind of going day-by-day here...

I'll be gone all week this week, starting tomorrow (so I'll be back here in ~7 days...I'm not kidding myself anymore about being 'ready' to move on...)

So last night, frustration was at a peak. I was out running with my dog. My wife was out at a church function & wasn’t supposed to be home for another 2 hours. We had been snipping at each other all day. Communications were breaking down, and it had me worried. I was thinking she was being crabby, and she was thinking that I was being insensitive. Fact is, we were both in the wrong.

I had just reached the most difficult part of my run; on the loop, at the top of the highest hill. And I was just thinking about her, and thinking of things that I could do to make our relationship better. I’m getting ready to go away for a week, and really don’t want to go away like this.

I was thinking of a relationship building exercise. As I topped the hill, I was wondering about leaving her with “an assignment” while I was gone, and working on one myself. I was thinking to myself that one of our root problems is that I’m not seeing her wants & needs, and she definitely hasn’t been seeing mine. My idea? For both of us to make a few lists while I was gone during the week, and to compare them with each other when I got back. NO rush, just as thoughts came during the week, they could be added to the list.

Here are the lists for me to do:

1-Things she likes, wants, and needs in our relationship

2-Things that “I think” she thinks that I like, want & need in our relationship (in other words, what is my perception of what she thinks I want?)

3-Things that I really do like, want & need in our relationship.

And her lists:

1-Things I like want & need in our relationship.

2-Things she thinks that I think that she likes wants & needs in our relationship

3-Things that she really does like want & need in our relationship.

I still may do this, but it is exactly what I was thinking as I was rounding the top of the hill. I thought it would help us talk about meeting each others needs, while at the same time, help us discover differences in perceptions.

I was already working on my lists, in my mind. I know she’d like me to help keep the place cleaner than I do (our “neatness” tolerances are VERY different). I know she needs outside friendships more than me. On another list, I need OUR friendship to rekindle. I need more intimacy.

I was thinking about sex. I was thinking that, I not only want more frequency, I want more fun. More “kink”, more experimentation. I was debating this issue with myself (“It’s important!” “no its not” “yes it is” ) as I was topping and rounding the hill, and wondering how to put that on the list. What to say?

At that moment, a car pulled up beside me, seemingly from out of nowhere. My dog and I pulled up short as the window came down, and a beautiful woman from inside the minivan called out to me.

“Sir. Can you help me?”

“Yes m’am.” I played along.

She went on, “You see, I’m lost, and I need help with something. You’re a good lookin’ fit man that could probably help me. ..”

At that point, I realized just how sweaty I was. I was still breathing hard, but my sweat smelled clean.

“Sure. Let me put my dog in the back.”

I couldn’t believe my luck! I couldn’t believe this! Even though she was dressed in simple jeans and a sweater top, the cotton weave clung to her as the seatbelt separated and emphasized her breasts. She had a twinkle in her eye that made her beautiful under the street lights. Her skin looked so smooth and soft.

“So, what do you need help with?”

”Well, I’m just feeling alone. I need someone. You see, my husband and I haven’t been connecting lately, and I saw you and thought you might have what I am looking for right now. I feel a bit lost.”

“I know what that feels like. My wife and I have been short with each other. Some of it has been my fault; we just don’t seem to know how to talk anymore. Hey. You’re a beautiful woman! Your husband is lucky to have someone as hot as you.”

“You think so? Really?”

“Oh my God! Just look at you! Absolutely! Does he know how to take care of you?”

My wife just grinned, and we kept playing along, pretending to follow through on a pick-up. She would say things w/ double meaning, and I would come on to her.

I finally suggested that we go to a secluded place that I knew of, and “talk” about our needs. I was still sweaty. She was gorgeous. My dog in the back was wondering “…wha?...”

The thrill and the risk of asking her to take her top off, and then in my taking off her bra was really incredible. We were imagining the “pretend forbiddeness” of what we were doing. Her breasts were never more beautiful to me than right then, in the shadowy light. As we kissed, her breathing was just as rapid as mine had been when I was running. Something about me being sweaty made it even better.

I asked her, in a whisper, to take off her jeans. I had already undone the snap button, but needed help; she had no sooner slipped out of them, than my hand was across her downy place, and in between. She was sopping, and I gently circled her button. We continued kissing. I was whispering to her that this was just sooooo hot, what we were doing, but without confessing that it was a game. She shuddered and a sharp grunt followed her groans. Release. Quickly, I slipped out of my running shorts, and dove in. It was so great; her warmth… her hands on my back… her soft wetness, firmly drawing me in…

The mini van was rockin’. (In all of this passion, I did have a moment of ‘chuckling’ to myself that the van was rocking!).

When we were done, she asked me…“Do we still have to pretend?”

I smiled and said “Of course not. Honey, that was the hottest, most wonderful thing that has happened to me in a long while. Thank you so much!”

Then we went home.

Maybe we’re on a better track than I was thinking. I was absolutely blown away, and will never, ever forget last night. She certainly ‘stepped up’, and found a way to give me exactly what I needed, WHEN I needed it… now it’s my turn!

What do y’all think of my ‘list’ idea?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Sun, 10-26-2003 - 10:13am
Ok, RG! You are always telling us to be careful not to let our posts get too steamy cuz' there's a man in the house... geez... you KNOW some of us aren't getting ANY and that post was simply UNFAIR! Whew...

Anyhow, I am so happy for you. God, your wife sounds like such an incredible person. What she did was, giving, vulnerable, creative! I am so glad you have decided to work on things. And I'm so relieved that she is opening up to you. I'm sure that she has just been startled at the sudden changes in your demeanor.

Re: the lists. On one hand I think it sounds like a neat idea. On the other hand, I think it is dangerous for you to play therapist in the relationship. I did a lot of that and it just doesn't work. For an outside/third-party (even if that third-party is a book that you are reading together) to suggest "homework" is one thing, for one person in the relationship to so is something different. I don't know...maybe suggest it now while she is open to you. If she's feeling snippy/aggrevated with you, this kind of suggestion might make her feel like you have a hidden agenda of "fixing" her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Sun, 10-26-2003 - 10:19am
Just re-read your post and it made me cry. It is so beautiful and so inspiring and so courageous and so simple. Message to Gita: THIS is why we should still believe in marriage.


RG, I know you were hesitent to post this, but thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
Sun, 10-26-2003 - 10:54am
Wow...that was personal...but VERY good. You just gave me some ideas of my own. Thank you for sharing!!!

I was just thinking this morning of how much I have taken for granted with my H. For several months, I have been upset and ticked off at MM for not sticking to the promises "I will never stop loving you" , "you will always have me"...etc, etc. Yet, all of this time, the one person in my life who HAS stuck his claims has been right next to me: MY H!!!

After reading your post, I thought back to the risky adventures H and I used to take: when we worked together at the bank, we made love in the vault...during business hours!!! Also, we decided we were not too young to "go parking", and even the city cemetary saw some action once..........ANYWAY, is there any reason why H and I cannot still take these exciting little risks?......hmmmm.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Mon, 10-27-2003 - 9:54am
RG, thank you for your post. It took courage to put all that down. It's an inspiration to me. You see, I have a lower sex drive than my husband, and it does affect our relationship somewhat (his OW is a sex maniac). You know, your email got me a quite horny (blush blush), and I will start scheming on how to surprise my husband tomorrow. Thank you again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 3:06pm
My, my! (Dab forehead with dry cloth). RG, that sounded like a romance novel! That is soo cool! I was wondering where you were (didn't read this until now, Wednesday). I'm very happy for you...sounds like your wife is responding to your efforts. Hee, hee! I feel all giggly now, wanting to jump up and down and clap for you like a silly little girl. Your story gives me hope. Maybe my H will come around too. Give us an update when you get back.

Edited 10/29/2003 4:11:47 PM ET by issuesongoing
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 4:35pm
Well, the lower sex drive thing has really affected us over the yrs...

I was floored, but in a real good way ;o)

I think that a loving, sexual relationship is one of the greatest things a wife can give her husband. You know how they say we guys think about it every 30 seconds?? Well, just imagine if you women were wired to think about something, the same thing, every 30 seconds... wouldn't you want us guys to act on it? I'm not lecturing (honest!)... but just trying to give a perspective on just how important sex & love making are to most of us fellas.

Surprise him!! He'll love it!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 4:39pm
I'm in a hotel lobby (*their "I-Lobby") using a community PC now after a day of meetings. I can't believe all that went on since I left on Monday.

Lots to write about!

I've done a lot of soul-searching, and am on the brink of a "eurika" moment; I feel it. In a weird way. This convention is in my old home town, and there are a couple of (bad) bones buried here that I forgot about that will be good for me to confront and re-evaluate & re-examine. Inner self stuff.

I'll be back, for sure. Short time frame tonight, though.

You're clapping... I WAS TOTALLY moved by my wife that night. What a sweetie.

There is hope & light at the end of the tunnel

I'll chat w/ y'all later.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Wed, 10-29-2003 - 4:42pm
Heh- heh... I didn't mean to raise the temperature here (too much, anyway!).

Here it is days later, and I still have a smile on my face. Love is funny, huh?

The "list" idea? Before I saw your response, I had kinda come to the same conclusions. I may still do it at some point... even if only for myself. We'll see (part of journaling, maybe?).

I'm in the hotel lobby. So, posting short & sweet.

I'll be back next week/this weekend.