Things I have learned in Therapy

Community Leader
Registered: 06-08-2010
Things I have learned in Therapy
Fri, 07-29-2011 - 9:19pm
So here it is, everyone! For those of you who have sought therapy in the wake of the affair, this is a chance for you to share what you have learned that has impacted you and your journey of healing the affair wounds.
One thing that my T has taught me is to be true to myself. To own what I do. Mistakes and all. She taught me to respect my own feelings and to learn to stand up for myself instead of allowing others (my H included) to discount those feelings. It happens to so many of us, but as I read a book called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship", author Patricia Evans lists "discounting" as a form of verbal abuse. I am guilty of discounting, too. Reading this book, it really makes one aware of how fragile our feelings can be and how easy it is for us to allow another to abuse us with their words. Remember the childhood saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me"? Wrong. Verbal abuse can hurt and wound us very badly. Recognizing the hurt within us and acknowledging the need for healing and restoration will enable us to be healthy on the inside, thus fostering healthy interactions with others. My personal faith in God is a very important part of my true healing and restoration.

Others of you, please feel free to share! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2011
Fri, 07-29-2011 - 10:02pm

Hearts, thankyou for starting this thread.

Looking at discounting feelings as a way of verbal abuse is interesting. It does make you feel the same way, cuts to the core when it happens. I have to be careful not to do that with my children especially when they come to me with all thier teen dramas.

I have learned:

- heaps about shame and it's impact (as mentioned in my latest thread).

- That validation has to come from within, as when external validation is your main form of feeling valid, it leads to feelings of hopelessness, lack of self worth etc when it doesn't come in the form that is healthy for you.

- That my bad choices do not have to define me. I am who I am, not what I have done. Not perfect but that's ok as perfectionism is just another way we try to escape shame.

- I don't have to be a victim to my past but rather a survivor. Being a survivor helps me see my choices in a different light and makes me own them in a way that being a victim can't.

The core of who you are is not always obvious to everyone. But to believe what others may believe of you can cause you to deny yourself, the wonders, of who you really are.