UGH!!!

Avatar for raspberrykat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
UGH!!!
11
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 7:36am
Just got off the phone with XOM ......... dammit why can't I be strong????? It's been over for 3 months and I've tried no contact over and over again only to go back to talking to him over and over!!!! Dammit I miss him so much!!! It seems nothing I do gets him out of my heart!!!

I can't stay with H anymore, I don't love him and feel no passion for him. In my therapy group we talked about how after being married for a while the passion fades, but you still get waves of love and passion. My lake it frozen solid(no waves there!!), how can I possible feel anything for H?????? I want to be on my own so bad but I am so afraid to take the risk. Afraid of loosing the financial comfort and security of my home. What if I'm making the wrong decission? What if I should stay?? God it's just killing me a little bit ever day to stay. I want what I felt for my XOM ..... I at least was FEELING! I know passion fades .... I know it's only a there for a short period, but at least it does come back in those waves. I want to be in LOVE again!!

UHG!!! sorry for rambling but I'm just so frustrated today! And yes sweetblonde this new board is weird .... but old dogs can learn .... at least I hope they can, then it would mean that I can learn to love again!!


Edited 4/18/2003 1:24:35 PM ET by raspberrykat

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: raspberrykat
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 9:02am
Oh I know how you feel. I too have struggled...wondering WHY cant we just stay in that honeymoon phaze forever? But the thing you need to realize is that with OM is was all a fantasy..think about if you had to start sharing household resonsibilites, bills, kids-sick kids, cleaning/chores. All the time you spent with xOM was FUN but it was not REALITY!! I am not sure if I am supposed to push another website but marriagebuilders.com has been a huge help to me in learning tricks on how to get through the withdrawl, stay with NC and 4 tricks on how to fall in love with your husband again. They do say it can and will happen but it cant until you actually LET GO of xOM and get through that withdrawl period...in other words there is hope!!

Check it out!! :) www.marriagebuilders.com

Racychk30

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: raspberrykat
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 11:39am
Great web site. thank you for sharing.
Avatar for raspberrykat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: raspberrykat
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 12:29pm
I did look at the site ..... very interesting, and I will read more. BUT .... and this is a huge but (not the one on my backside either LOL) .... I don't want to rebuild my marriage. I have worked on it for two years, we went to couples therapy .... spent a lot of time together and I honestly tried to fall in love with H again .... One thing my therapist told me "When love is dead, there is nothing deader" ....

I don't want the hooneymoon stage .... I just want to love again ..... I want to WANT to come home at night, not hide in my bedroom or find other things to occupy my time just so I don't have to be with H .... We went on vacation together recently and he approached me sexually .... I just couldn't .... and more importantly, did not want to ... I really did try, but it's just not there anymore .....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: raspberrykat
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 12:45pm
Ok understandable. #1 What makes you stay? and #2 have you made your husband FULLY aware of your unhappiness or do you keep it to yourself? He cant change unless he knows exactly whats wrong. AND if you have done this and still nothing has changed - back to #1 ???

I know I personally have not made that much of an effort but if we had been in counseling for 2 years and STILL we were not happy. I know that I did all I could and that the marriage needed to end. ..but thats me.

You definitly deserve love hun!!

Avatar for raspberrykat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: raspberrykat
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 1:24pm
I've been staying out of guilt and self doubt. I question myself all the time, am I doing the right thing? Have I tried hard enough? Am I just looking to get back with OM? I also thought I should stay for our son, he is still at home, our daughter is on her own now. I now realise that I can't stay for my son, it teaches him the wrong thing. It teaches him to let others over step their own boundries.

As for my H being fully aware, yes he is. Before I even had the affair, I would tell H how much I needed his approval and love. I told him that I would get many compliments from other men but the only man I wanted to hear it from was him. I did everything short of begging for his attention. He admits he took me for granted. Heck I even would fill his plate for dinner and serve him at the table!! He knows I do not feel for him anymore, we have talked about one of us moving out for a while to see how that works ..... we are still communicating, and do things as friends .... but not as lovers or a husband & wife should. We don't even sleep together and haven't in the last two years.

Any other input is appreciated!!!

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: raspberrykat
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 2:56pm
You absolutely CANNOT rebuild a relationship with your husband..100% FULLY invested in learning about whats there to work WITH with a OM in the picture.

Until you get that FIRMLY in mind..you CANT feel anything for your husband of any REAL depth.

Its been three months..and this OM is in the BACKGROUND of your head.

Strength will not fall like a ripe peach in your lap.You Took a call from OM? Okay..people slip..but you gotta figure WHY..and STOP.

This isnt right.

You will only prolong your OWN agony here hon...

Look.......your husband DESERVES a woman who loives him....will go to counseling WITH him..or if he wont go..she goes...and gets this worked OUT...and if she is FREE to remarry..she does or dates, or takes calls THEN...NOT before.

I dont care if you eat tuna fish and cold water..lose the house or farm AND the car.

Your HUSBAND is paying the bills not the OM..(you too if you work)and he has EVERY right to EXPECT that his wife isnt with him because she may have to have a lower standard of living and take an efficiency apartment while he foots the bills for a mortgage up the wazoo because she cant get over a man while she is MARRIED.Or mught have to work TWO jobs..or whatever it takes..to treat him HONORABLY.If you dont FEEL anything it MAY be because this OM is the teflon lining between you and hubby and the feelings are getting deflected and dont STICk like an omelet in a pan.

If you want OUT..get out..if you stay IN..stay 100% IN...and NO contact with an unavailable man..its disrespectful to your mate.

Of COURSE passion ebbs and flows in real life..marriages have rough spots..dry periods and sometimes its not perfect.One CAN have great love and passion if they dont EXPECT Disney Land everyday..but KNOW it takes WORK IN the marriage 100%..not 99%.

Sometimes YOU give 10% he gives 90..sometimes YOU give 90..he gives 10..sometimes just the stress of living makes you both drag a little..but it comes back and its COMFORTABLE and fun and welllllll..its great actually.

BUT three months of NC is great..its a breaking of a habit..it takes TIME..but TAKING calls? NO way..thats a no go.

You have to keeo that in mind..STRONGLY.....over means OVER!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: raspberrykat
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 7:24am
Oh Kat....I so know what you are saying!!! I think everyday how I may never feel again the way I did for OM. That I will spend the rest of my life missing what I had with him all because I am afraid to take a chance and start over on my own!!

Please take care,

Karry

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: raspberrykat
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 1:56pm
Oh Kat... hugs... I do think we are SO much alike - not that I want to give up on my H - our marriage, I truly believe, CAN be saved - there is still hope and I'm nowhere near ready to give up, even though I have my bad days... BUT - I also acknowledge that one main reason I stay is FEAR. Guilt. Self doubt.

This was a HUGE topic in my therapy session a few weeks ago. She would say "what if you end up divorced?" and I would say "I can't even think about that." That was my answer to her and to myself - I wouldn't even let myself ponder it because I was so terrified of what life would be like on my own.

But my therapist made me think it through. She made me talk about my kids, my finances, my loneliness, dating and what the men are like out there now... everything. And it might be the hardest thing yet if I do end up going through it - but I WOULD survive and maybe even come out stronger and better in the end.

And she encouraged me to have a life - have independence. I haven't worked for many years, but my kids are both in school now - so what is stopping me???? She talked to me about finding something for myself... when I finally thought about it, I knew in my heart just what is right for me. I couldn't think about it before because I was SOOO caught up in my EMA that my head was spinning and I could think of nothing else. But I do know the career I want, I do know what I want to do with my life... and I am lucky that we can afford for me to return to school and get the rest of the education I will need to have that career.

The thing is - deciding to do that - to go back to school - it was AMAZING what a weight was lifted off my shoulders. What fear was lifted. Because the therapist was right - she said that when I truly feel I have choices in my life, my depression will lessen. When I stay married out of total complete fear and desperation - that I don't think I could survive if I were to get divorced... then I will continue to be trapped and sad. That if I have choices, then whether or not I'm married, I am not TRAPPED. That with something to give me self-confidence independent of my H, I can choose to leave him OR I can choose to be happier in my marriage because I'm not totally dependent on him... and I am there because I want to be, not only because I HAVE to be...

Good luck no matter what you decide... it's about feeling empowered and having choices... that's the bottom line, right?

Glinda

Avatar for raspberrykat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: raspberrykat
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 7:40pm
Good for you!! I'm glad to hear your going back to school, you sound like your really looking forward to it. I like your point about staying because it is a choice, not because you feel trapped there (in your marriage). hhhmmm.... I have to really think about that one ......

My therapist also had me think about how things would be if I was on my own. We did the math and I can make it on my own .... I would have to give up some things, but they are just "things" .... and I have no problem giving them up. What is hard for me to look at giving up is my home ..... not so much the house itself, but the place where my heart is, I'm so grounded to my home .... I'm not a person who goes out a lot, or is even very outgoing, I like to be home. My therapist said that wherever I live I will make it my home, it's just hard after 24 years to make a change .... Anyway, been thinking a lot again, seems all I do is change my mind lately!!! Confusion is my name latley! My H loves me a lot and is very willing to work hard on things. He knows about the A ..... I had to tell him, it was a major blocking point for me. When I told him, I asked him first if he thought our marriage was strong enough to handle anything, he said yes - he thought it was. So I told him that I had an A .... he said it is in the past and we are making a new start and that if I wanted to talk about it he would listen, but if I never wanted to talk about, that was ok with him too. I told him I didn't ever want to talk about it again and we haven't. He doesn't know the OM's name or how involved my heart was .....

I also agree with you that once you have choices and have your power back, your depression will lessen. I have struggle with depression for 3 years now, every since my A started .... figure that one?? LOL

Anyway, I'm still here with H .... and still communicating ... I will not make any decission in haste, I was just so very frustrated for a few days. It's wonderful what this board does for me .... just the communication with others in same situation is very helpful. It just helps to share the pain and know someone understands exactly what you are going through.

Thank you so much for sharing and for listening and responding back to me!! I hope we all come though this much stronger and wiser.

*hugs*

Kat

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: raspberrykat
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 9:27pm
I'm not sure who I'm replying to because I can't read this darn new board very well (I wish iVillage would change it back), but I am in the same boat as several of you. I do not want to look at that marriagebuilders web site because I don't think I can stand to try again only to be disappointed again. As far a divorce goes, it's not just the financial loss, it's the whole family identity that gets destroyed. It's a second marriage for both of us so we already have a less than traditional situation, plus we have no other relatives in this state. My husband likes to say "sure, go ahead and leave if you want to ruin our kids lives". I'd like to try a separation when the last kid leaves home. She's 19. I feel guilty about wanting an empty nest so I can do my own thing. Sorry, I guess this doesn't help much.

Pages