Uplifting Lyrics for After the Affair

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Uplifting Lyrics for After the Affair
7
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 12:05am
Love this one in the car! Crank it right up and sing your heart out - Thank you!

Jamelia - "Thank You"

The fights, those nights

I tried to pretend it don't hurt

The way, I prayed

Someday that you would love me

Really, completely

Just how I wanted it to be

But no, so wrong

Can't believe I stayed with you so long


You hit, you spit, you split, every bit of me, yeah

You stole, you broke, you're cold

You're such a joke to me, yeah



For every last bruise you gave me

For every time I sat in tears

For the million ways you hurt me

I just wanna tell you this

You broke my world, made me strong

Thank you

Messed up my dreams, made me strong

Thank you


My head, near dead

Just the way you wanted it

My soul, stone cold

Cos I was under you're control

So young, so dumb

Knew just how to make me succumb

But I un-derstand

To make yourself feel like a man


You hit, you spit, you split, ever-y bit of me, yeah

You stole, you broke, you're cold

You're such a joke to me, yeah


For every last bruise you gave me

For every time I sat in tears

For the million ways you hurt me

I just wanna tell you this

You broke my world, made me strong

Thank you

Messed up my dreams, made me strong

Thank you


You coulda had it all babe

It coulda been so right

I woulda given you everything

Morning through night

Yeah, you taught me some lessons

Those are my blessings

That won't happen again

Thank you




iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 11:08am
How in the world is that uplifting? Maybe if your A was with a total a**hole or someone who completely disrespected you. But life is rarely that simple. What if your A was with someone very special who you hold very dear to your heart? I believe it is possible to let someone you love go if it is the right thing. I know because I've done it. I know I would never think of her in such a harsh light though. It would make me really feel bad about myself if I did because it would mean I chose to give my heart to someone who truly had no merit whatsoever. I much prefer to be honest and admit she was and is a wonderful person, just not the person for me.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 11:45am
Hiya Omaha,

<<>>

"Total a**hole ... who completely disrespected " summed it up nicely (at one time) and I believed those also in unhealthy, manipulative affairs might glean some sliver of strength from it. I accepted my own culpability and quit permitting myself to be disrespected some time ago now. However, whilst attempting to get myself free of the madness that was my affair, this song (at that specific time) was very empowering to me personally.

<<>>

Agreed! Post your own uplifting lyrics for your situation!

<<>>

Then perhaps you might re-examine how special someone is who encouraged and enabled you to lie to, cheat on, and betray your wife and children. Or you could, of course, simply submit your own uplifting lyrics for after the affair - that was the gist of the thread :)

<<>>

I believe it is one of the greatest acts of love to free someone else at the expense of your own pain. It is selfless rather than selfish. Thing is you actually have to let go, poppet, for that to be a selfless act. Also, that was not my own situation, so the lyrics I posted at this time did not reflect that.

<<>>

That pedestal exOW's on is going to be tough for either you or your wife to topple, Omaha. Remove the love-goggles and you might just both stand a chance.

<<>>

Life is seldom so black or so white. She has merit and so do you. It simply didn't work out. The person to be most admired in all this is your wife who has found the strength & courage to welcome you back to the matrimonial home when the possibility exists that you may well hurt her and your children all over again.

<<>>

I'm sure exOW is a wonderful person, kind to animals, pays her taxes on time, works hard, and helps old ladies across the street. The fact remains she was able to enable & encourage you to lie to, cheat on, betray and even leave your wife & children in order to satisfy her own selfish needs. None of this negates your choices to do these things, but someone who loved you, respected you, cared for you would not have put her own needs before yours or those of people who rely upon you for security, namely your children. It's very much a perspective thing, Omaha, ask your children how wonderful they think exOW is.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 5:15pm
In reading your response, I find a few areas of agreement between us. And a few areas of stark contrast. For the sake of those reading, I'll focus on the areas of disagreement. Just know I do agree with anything I haven't brought up.

<<
to lie to, cheat on, and betray your wife and children.>>>

My OW didn't encourage or enable me to do anything. I chose my own actions and take full responsibility for them. She felt horrible about the pain I was causing my family and tried to back off many times but I was the one pursuing her. It is true that she was always free to tell me to go away and leave her alone, but by that time we had a very deep connection that was difficult to break. Regardless, it wasn't like she was the serpent in Eden convincing me to take a bite of the apple. I walked up and grabbed the apple and took a bite with no encouragement. I won't go into details of why I did as I've already worked through that myself.

<<
Omaha. Remove the love-goggles and you might just both stand a chance.>>>

Actually I don't have her on a pedestal at all. She has her faults and I have accepted that. I certainly have plenty of my own. But the fact I still care about the OW will not affect my M because I have made a choice to commit to my W and for the first time in my life, I know I will live up to it. I don't subscribe to the theory you have to hate someone to move on. Quite the contrary, because of the love I had for my OW, I learned a lot about myself and learned I am capable of fidelity.

<<
courage to welcome you back to the matrimonial home when the possibility exists that you

may well hurt her and your children all over again.>>>

Actually, I agree with this, but wanted to comment further. My W never wanted our M to end, but she also was unwilling to admit to the problems that existed. She wanted everything to go back the way it was, regardless of my feelings. However painful this experience was to both of us, it has at least gotten us both to the point where we appreciate each other more than ever and are both willing to work at it. Of course the possibility exists I may hurt her again. The possibility also exists that she may hurt me. That's part of loving a human being. But I can tell you that I am much stronger now than I ever have been and I think she knows that now.

<<
hard, and helps old ladies across the street. The fact remains she was able to enable &

encourage you to lie to, cheat on, betray and even leave your wife & children in order

to satisfy her own selfish needs. None of this negates your choices to do these things,

but someone who loved you, respected you, cared for you would not have put her own needs

before yours or those of people who rely upon you for security, namely your children.>>>

Your sarcasm is amusing. But once again, I think you are demonizing the wrong person. I did all the things you describe of my own free will and to satisfy MY selfish needs, not hers.


<<
exOW is.>>>

If you're suggesting I someday introduce my children to her and say, "Hey kids, this is the woman I was with when I moved out" (and by the way, we never lived together, she lived 4 hours away), then you're a little off your rocker. I'm sure you're speaking hypothetically though. Either way, if my children or my W wish to place blame on anyone for this, it should be placed on me solely. If I hadn't left while seeing OW, I would have eventually left of my own accord. My W has some blame in this also, but I'll leave that out of the discussion because I have a feeling it wouldn't fit your Dr. Phil-like view of the world where it is easier to blame one person.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 9:49pm
Hiya Omaha,

Same applies, where I don't highlight, essentially I agree with you.

<<>>

By virtue of the fact that there was a hidden affair rather than an open relationship, you both enabled & encouraged one another to deception & betrayal. Neither of you said No & meant it enough for it be remain No. Hence 50/50 culpability.

<<>>

Again, neither of you said No nor meant it enough to remain No. She may well have felt like the most horrible individual on the face of the planet nevertheless she still found a way to ensure her needs (whatever they might have been) were met by you whom she knew was not available to be meeting needs outside your marriage. "No, no you mustn't I'll feel terrible about your poor wife & kiddies, ahh, well ok then..." Vastly simplified but you take my point, I hope. You were *equally* needy and *equally* set aside others in order to attempt to fulfil those needs.

<<>>

Fact remains, she (like all of us) has free will and she failed to form the two-word sentence, "No, Omaha." At all times IS had choice. She consistently chose to put her wants/needs before your family's wants/needs. 50/50 culpability. You simply cannot convince me you did anything to her she didn't permit, enable and encourage (whether passively or actively matters not).

<<>>

You may find this surprising, but neither do I. I never hated exOM, sure I was angry, felt used & manipulated, etc, but only until the point I discovered I had steered my own ship into the very waters in which I found myself. No one had done to me anything which I hadn't expressly permitted, enabled and, indeed, encouraged. Then I was honked off at my myself. Some do use an anger-shield/anger as propellant to unmire themselves from their affairs. However, and this is a biggie:- It's actually only AFTER letting go of that anger that we can begin to take our first steps towards a real recovery process. Not all of us were fortunate enough to have been given the tools to so readily accept responsibility for our own actions as you appear to have been. As an example, my father was a serial adulterer, I grew up in an atmosphere of lies, deceit & manipulation where I was frequently my father's alibi for his visits to OW (plural). I simply lacked the tools to own the consequences of my own actions because a primary carer consistently demonstrated otherwise. Seeking IC gave me the tools to begin to do this. I can tell you it was a rather novel concept. You're already ahead of the game, Omaha, but taking too much responsibility onto yourself is every bit as unhealthy.

<<>>

I identify with this a great deal. This is a big thought and difficult to express. In exOM I spied certain traits & mannerisms in which I recognised as what love felt like -"it felt like coming home" and effectively replicated my childhood home environment. Similarly exOM saw certain traits & mannerisms in me which led him to recognise what he believed love felt like (the feeling of "coming home", etc.) In this manner, we were attempting to fill voids. In the initial & middle stages of our 3.5yr relationship, we were highly successful in playing our respective roles in our replicated childhood environments. At all times we genuinely believed it *was* love because it looked like love was supposed to look, smelled like what love was supposed to smell like and damn sure most certainly "felt" every bit like love was supposed to feel in accordance with the precendents for love as handed down to us by our respective families. We believed enough to consider and eventually actually conceive our child together (my first child and his), a choice few take less than seriously or without due forethought.

If I'd not have experienced that, I don't believe I'd have sunk to rock bottom and then sought the help I needed to deal with childhood scars. In *that* manner, I am grateful to exOM to a certain extent. However, the fact remains I could always have simply attended individual counselling and achieved the same results without having caused hurt & pain to people all around me. Sadly, I did not choose to deal with it in that fashion.

<<<...and learned I am capable of fidelity.>>>

Ahh, you were *always* capable of fidelity, dear Omaha, you made active choices at the relevant times simply not to exercise/practice it ;)

<<>>

Far from demonizing, Omaha, merely humanizing, if anything. My partial sarcasm aside (I really am sure she is a good & decent person and I said so) my only point here is simply that IS had free will and used you as eagerly and as readily as you used her - you each had needs which were at least temporarily met by one another and it was mutually & exclusively beneficial for that time. You did not DO anything to her that she did not permit, enable and encourage whether passively or actively. 50/50% culpability. No more, no less. You cannot take advantage of someone who wishes to have that advantage taken from them, Omaha.

>>><<<<<>><<< ~ My text

<<>>

You're correct, I was and am speaking hypothetically. My sole intent was to encourage you to consider how your children (regardless of age) might feel about someone (anyone at all) who meant so much more to their father than their mother & they themselves did, that their father chose to leave home. What might that teach them about their mother's worth and their own worth in their father's eyes? How might they compare themselves to this faceless person? What might it teach them about how adults conduct a marriage or long term relationship? As a child whose father did on two occasions leave home for an OW, I learned much about my value and how relationships are conducted and what love feels like and have spent much of the last 10mos unlearning these very things. Hence my touchiness specifically on the topic of children.

<<>>

50% culpability is still only 50% culpability. Noble, if perhaps misguided by the pedestal upon which IS remains.

<<>>

Your wife was not, so far as you've indicated, a party to the decision made by you *and* IS to have an affair. That there were problems within your marriage beforehand could have been addressed in MC. It's not what happened, but it was one option, you were no more forced to have an affair than IS was forced to have one with you.

<<>>

Your love-goggles/pedestal thing are ensuring you appear to have gleaned little more from my post than a incorrectly perceived attack or blame-laying session on IS when it is literally nothing more than an attempt to show you that IS is no more and no less responsible for the affair in which you were BOTH engaged.

By your own argument you are displaying a "Dr Phil-like view of the world where it is easier to blame one person" except that one person is yourself. 50/50% culpability, Omaha. It's been a long time since I spent more than a couple weeks in the USA, however, over here in the UK fifty-percent still equates to one-half of the whole.

By the way, I think Dr Phil's a fair to middlin' showman, but I'd not pay him to be my therapist. :)

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 2:09pm
Well at least we're getting closer. I see a few more points on which I'd like to comment though:

<<>>

Of course I was always capable of it. But until that point, I didn't know that I was. That may be a difficult concept for you to grasp, but it is part of my upbringing and low self-esteem. It is a demon I have now conquered. As you stated, I could have eventually figured this out through counseling and not hurt my W the way I did. But hindsight is always 20/20 and all I can do now is learn from my choices.

<<>>

Okay, now I think I understand. But you are projecting way too much here. Your father not only had an A, he made you party to that knowledge and even used you as an alibi. Trust me when I say nothing was ever more important to me than my children through all of this and while I know you'll disagree with that, I always did what I felt was best for them. I may have been mistaken, but they were always at the top of my list of priorities when making my decisions, even the decision to get separated. My children have no idea there was ever anyone else in my life and they won't until they're far enough along in their lives to have established what will hopefully be better relationships than I have. Again, I understand your situation and if I had done what your father did, it would be a different story. But I'm certainly not your father and I think the situations are completely different.

<<>>

I never said my wife was responsible for my A. But she certainly was partly responsible for our M nearly collapsing. The A wasn't the cause, but merely a symptom. It is way to easy to label her the scorned wife and make her the victim. But she hasn't taken that path and that is why we're now back together and working to make our M strong. No one was innocent in this situation, trust me.

<<>>

I never said I was completely responsible for everything about my situation. But I certainly take responsibility for my own actions. Of course IS made her own choices, but her choices never forced me into anything. I always had to power to stop and walk away. So when I say I take full responsibility, that is what I mean.

<<<50% culpability is still only 50% culpability. Noble, if perhaps misguided by the pedestal upon which IS remains. >>>

I assure you once again that IS is not on any kind of pedestal in my mind. I know all her faults and weaknesses and realize she and I are incompatible in many ways. None of which makes her a bad person, or someone I idolize. And by the way, I don't think anything in life is 50/50. If only it were that simple.

<<>>

I don't think he's either. I find him ridiculous and overblown. His broad statements are nothing more than generalizations presented as counseling. He's like the fortune cookie of therapists.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 4:00pm
Hiya Omaha,

I think we're much closer. It's helped me a great deal, you have my thanks, Omaha. And if you're feeling up to it...

<<>>

Entirely likely, in fact, to an extent I'll admit it outright.

<<>>

I do believe you. And this in particular has helped me a great deal. In years to come, it may well be that your children are able to see the hard work on the marriage role modelled by you and Mrs Omaha and hopefully they'll have a more realistic and healthy precedent for what love is than you did or certainly I myself did. It's my sincerest wish, Omaha, for your children as well as my own child.

<<>>

Entirely age dependent, of course, but Dad simply not being there begs the question "Why?" Parenting is bloody difficult, isn't it? Especially when at least one of your (general) role models kinda sucked. So much of parenting depends on our actions now, and while it always did, I simply failed to fully understand that much. Hoping, believing in and to a certain extent relying upon all the tomorrows when today's right here and actually rather beautiful all of it's very own accord. My opinion may be utterly worthless, but I do genuinely believe your heart is precisely where it should be with regard to your lads.

<<>>

Sure, that'd be my story. ;)

<<>>

No, no, of course you're not Pater-Dearest. I'd really not insult you with that comparison, Omaha, even despite Father's belief he did his very best and while he actually DID do his very best, he was simply terribly flawed. Also, I do very much take on board the projection point you made earlier. However, in terms of Dad not being there for a period of time, and IS being amongst the reasons (whether or not the OW aspect was or even ever becomes openly known to them), there is that similarity. Really isn't it in the `What Happens Next?' section now? Regardless of whatever road or roads are eventually travelled by you and Mrs Omaha, I am in full belief that your lads are your primary concern.

<<>>

Well, there was your earlier remark (looks for it) "I walked up and grabbed the apple and took a bite with no encouragement," and similar non-specific statements along the lines of `she felt terrible, but I did it anyway' kinda negates that IS had her own needs which she allowed and which she was certainly happy enough for you to be meeting for her. Without detail (and none needed) neither of you *forced* each other into anything with which you were not happy at least at that time. You both benefitted mutually & exclusively. By way of example only, if one AP needs rescuing/protection, and the other AP needs to be a rescuer/protector, then both needs are met. Neither the rescuer/protector nor the rescuee/protected can be more culpable than the other. The dynamic simply doesn't work/ without it's counterpart.

<<>>

When you've lived with someone for a couple years, then you might have a more solid idea of what *all* their faults and weaknesses might be. But apart from that weeny bit of semantics, surprisingly perhaps, I don't strongly disagree.

<<< like the fortune cookie of therapists.>>>

LOL Hey, isn't he a Texan or something nearby? Wouldn't that make him the cow pat of therapists?

Again, thank you, Omaha. You've taught me much.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 10:38pm
hi there Omaha & Posie --

Loved this thread--thanks!

Another song lyric--just thought I'd tag it here--it's as good a place as any...

Good song for ending an A...from the Go-Go's "Beauty and the Beat" CD (from sometime in the 80s -- this CD is overall pretty good -- sort of a classic)

FADING FAST

*********************

You thought that i was on your side

And i'd do anything for you

But you found out yesterday

That you were wrong

I opened up the door

I said we were through

Now you're calling me

You want me back again

But i've just got to turn my head

And start to pretend

I've never seen you

You're someone i don't know

Are you just another boy

That i met long ago

You had me all to yourself

I thought that you were such a prize

I finally came to my senses

When i heard just one too many lies

You can talk about old times

They don't mean a thing to me

You're fading fast

Out of my memory