Welcome Package - A TLC first aid kit for Newbie ENDERS

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Welcome Package - A TLC first aid kit for Newbie ENDERS
Fri, 11-12-2010 - 8:49pm

Before I get too far past the initial feelings of Ending...I want to gather a number of helpful (One Stop Shop) articles and (previous posts) If you all dont mind if I copy and paste - I promise to include the links and give credit to the author- :) I just want to Organize a

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010


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Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
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Registered: 10-14-2010

My own personal WELCOMES (Oct 16th) Im highlighting what stood out to me

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
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Hello All,

I had been thinking about writing a post of this sort for a while - as I have found myself sinking back from this board too. I have felt unappreciated and mis-understood by those I was giving endless amounts and time and energy to: providing resources, experiences, love and encouragement. I have found myself unbelievably tired as of late.

I like to think I can understand where people are coming from. That I can understand the utter disappointment, hurt, frustration, shock, dis-belief. My affair devastated me and my family - my xAP and his family. We had Ddays (both planned) ... we thought we were in 'love'. We spent hours and hours together (every day). We came to be close to one another's partners and children. We were colleagues and co-researchers/writers. We traveled. You name it, we did it. We met family, we shared friends etc ... and guess what, it ended. I ended it. It broke my freaking heart. It broke his heart. It destroyed our families. Like DESTROYED them. My children are dealing with separation, and his family is dealing with their own devastating fallout.

Ya - it sucks that the affair ended. It sucks WAY MORE that we were so unwell that we wrapped ourselves in a fantasy bubble at the expense of everyone who loved us. We stole from them. We stole time, resources, care & concern. We miss-directed our attention. We invested in a falling 'stock'. We became so self-absorbed that nothing mattered except 'us'. It was sick and wrong.

And don't get me wrong, I am about as non-traditional/alternative as it gets - politically, academically and otherwise. BUT in no culture, in no alternative life-style is lying, manipulating, deceiving dis-respectful behavior accepted as part of the life-style. Open marriages, polyamory - whatever, even they require the upmost in transparency to even have shot at 'working'.

So - if you are hurt that your affair is over, ya - we have ALL felt that kinda pain. We have had our affair bubbles popped. Some of us are enders and others endees - whatever - does is matter in the end? NO NO NO! Just because you weren't the one to end it - well, don't use it as an excuse to stay stuck - to stay fixated on how it could have just been over, how s/he should have respected you enough to have done A B C - in a perfect world we wouldn't have had affairs. How the end is of little consequence - sorry to those who think that it matters. ENDING IS WHAT MATTERS. The rest of how it plays out is a bonus - but in no way, shape or form is the ending indicative of your worth, how much you were 'loved' or how good a person you thought s/he was. If they/we were capable of being in an affair, we are already capable of cruelty. Don't be surprised when this cruelty is turned on you. My only suggestion is for those in affairs TO END it as fast as they can, scrapping their last bit of dignity off the ground.

And when it ends? Well, that's just the beginning. Time to start working the work of re-framing your experience. This isn't about whether or not you had a fabulous 'connection' - it is about two people who lack integrity, courage and self/other respect. It is about two people who feel entitled, who feel so darn smug that they can get away with sneaking behind the backs of those who trust them the most.

And if you're single - that doesn't give you some out just because you didn't take the vow. Come on, you're colluding with someone else who you think you love to have them hurt the people s/he vowed to love and protect. Where is the dignity in that? Where is the higher moral ground? My husband had left me because of my affair, and one year later, I was the one who ended my affair. I had nothing left to lose in my RL - except myself.

With the help of this board, I was able to finally see that saving myself was reason enough to end my affair. I was worth it. I was worth a life of dignity. I was drawing my own line in the sand - saying NO ONE was ever going to ask me to settle for crumbs again. I was NO longer going to accept them. So - I walked out of my affair at a time when I would need to stand totally on my own while patching up the lives of my children who had been so hurt as a direct consequence of my actions.

So - I may come across as a little unsympathetic, a little "tough lovish" at times. You know why? Because it matters to me. 'YOU' matter to me, and the families 'YOU' are going to destroy matter to me. Because I don't want to see others dilly dally around, farting away the second chances they get to live a better way.

I didn't find this board in time, and I have little patience for those trying to unlearn the insights they gain here. Yes we all mess up, yes leaving is a process, yes it is full of pain, missing, longing for those fixes - but choosing to dis-regard the comments/opinions time and time again IS NOT messing up - it is a commitment to staying in an affair, junky mindset that serves no one here well. Least of all 'yourself'.

I see EAS as a refuge, a place to re-build the broken and to re-establish healthier thinking patterns and coping mechanisms. THIS is not a place to be enabled and coddled.

EAS saved my life. EAS allowed me to stop the damage before further damage was done to my self-esteem. EAS was my life-boat in the scarcest, darkest waters I had ever found myself in. EAS set expectations of my conduct and encouraged accountability and responsibility. EAS was my compass when I was so incredibly lost. 'YOU' can trust your own compass - your own best thinking right now, but at some point that thinking got you into an affair. Maybe it is time to turn your trust over to those who have ended, and found full lives to be lived outside of their affair.

With Love & Care,


LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
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Let Go of Your Ex: Avoid These 7 Excuses!

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
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Registered: 10-14-2010

Breaking Up With and Getting Over a Married Man/Attached Man -

by NML on May 5, 2007


When you’re The Other Woman, it will often feel like incredible highs and lows, and at some point, you should and probably will become sick of being in the situation and want to end it with the guy. Like any break up though, breaking up is hard to do unless something so awful happens that it galvanises you. There are a hell of a lot of women in this situation that are readers of this site, and the most common issue is how the hell can they move on? Here I hope that I can help to put any woman who is in this situation on the road to healthier happiness. But first, think about this point first?

Is this a half hearted cry for attention from him which you hope will force his hand into making the decision to be with you? If so, be careful as this is probably still unlikely to happen and if it means you end up staying with him, you’re wasting your own time. Otherise….

1. Be firm and strong.

Be resolute about your decision and immovable. If you really do want to break up with him and you are sick of the situation, he shouldn’t be able to wheedle his way around you. One of the strengths of the guy in this relationship is that he has the power to get around you. This time he can’t.

2. Make it about YOU, not HIM.

If you put the focus of the break up on him, he can make excuses that he means at the time but probably don’t hold up after the event and he’ll make promises that he means at the time but is also unlikely to keep. Yes, you are breaking up because he can’t give you what you need, want and deserve, however, you’re also breaking up with him because YOU are better than this.

3. Remind yourself that he is throwing you the crumbs of his time and his emotions.

Yes you may be conditioned to think that the crumbs are enough for you, but the reality is that a healthy relationship with a man that is only with you and puts you at the centre of his life, feels far different to the flimsy ‘relationship’ that you’re in now.

4. Think of the woman he’s with, the woman that you view as the person who is robbing you of the opportunity to be with your guy as a human being with feelings and strengths and weaknesses just like you. Put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself how you would feel if you were her in the same situation. Whatever story he has told you about why he’s with both of you, the cold hard truth is that he CHOOSES to be with HER.

5. Is this how you saw a healthy, happy relationship? Do you still want to be doing this in 3, 6, 9, 12 months or even in years?

6. Remember that occasions like birthdays, Christmas, New Years won’t have to be spent waiting for his call or snatching a moment together.

7. Go cold turkey.

If you can afford it, go away for a few days or a week to somewhere nice or go and stay with friends and family. Turn off your phone and let the important people know where you are so that you don’t worry. There should be absolutely no contact.

8. Stop being where he expects you to be and break whatever routine you have.

When I speak to women in involved with attached men, whether they realise it or not, they are almost always in a tight routine. After all, keeping things in a tight routine is how he stops himself from getting caught out and fits you into his schedule. You must break the routine. Put it on voicemail or turn off your voicemail but don’t pick up calls. Be out when he calls. Instead of being in watching TV with your feet up waiting for his call, be out. Be busy. If you think you’ll be tempted to be swayed, change your mobile phone or block his email address.

9. Tell somebody that you trust.

You’d be surprised at how many women act in secrecy which actually further plays into the man’s hands as you are totally at the mercy of whatever he is telling you. A confidante gives you a sanity check but also gives you a rock of support. Choose someone you trust and who can be supportive but tell you that it’s time to quit.

10. Steer clear of dating till you are ready to date. This also protects you from knee jerking into another situation that you may not recognise as being unsuitable due to craving some sort of emotional replacement – there is no progress in ditching a married man for an emotionally unavailable man. There is also no point in dating if it’s a way of passing time in the hope of filling in the gap until the married guy potentially becomes available. The only time you should date is when you are truly ready to move on and the married guy doesn’t figure any longer.

11. Remember that you need time to grieve and heal. There is no quick fix and you don’t feel better immediately. In fact, you’re likely to feel like sh*t in the short-term. You must give it time though. Weather the storm, cold turkey it out and let out the tears and frustration but don’t give in. Your ‘relationship’ is over.

12. See a counsellor or therapist. If you have been in relationships that have a habit of wearing down your self esteem, if you want to understand your relationship patterns, if you feel you need a little extra help or if you feel very low, this is the ideal way of helping you to heal, understand and move on.

13. Address other areas of your life that have suffered whilst you were with the attached guy. No matter what you think, something or someone, or both suffered whilst you focused your energies on your situation. If you let work slide or put off career decisions, prioritise it. If you have neglected friends or family, build bridges. If you have neglected yourself, spend time on you. You have to put the focus back to you if you are truly intent on succeeding. It’s because it’s been all about him why you lasted so long with him in the first place.

14. Yes I’m sure there were happy times, but you need to remember how you REALLY felt when you were with him. Look back at your diary, think back to specifics and there are probably a lot of times when you were lonely, disappointed, insecure, sidelined, teary, clingy, frustrated, angry, too dependent, listless and much more. Put both feet in reality and get real about who you have really been. If you were that happy, you wouldn’t be reading this and you wouldn’t be breaking up. You wouldn’t even want more.

15. Read the stories of women who have played your role of The Other Woman and realise that your situation is not unique, most of the stories of why these men cheat are the same, most of the time it ends in tears, and you, The Other Woman will always play second fiddle as long as you put yourself in this role.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
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Breaking Up and Moving On By Cutting Contact. Part 3

by NML on February 4, 2008

Thanks for visiting my blog! Have you checked out my workshops & ebooks?

telephone keypadI won’t lie to you ladies; initiating and maintaining the No Contact Rule is hard. You need to grow balls of steel to support your willpower and be prepared to suffer the short-term pain for the medium and long-term gain. The No Contact Rule (NCR) is about putting yourself first and you need to do it because you’ve allowed his needs and inability to give you what you need and want to be placed at the centre of your universe.

Do not bother with the NCR if you are hoping to get back together with him because you are clearly not ready to cut the contact and make a run for it.

So how do you ensure that you ‘break’ and move on?

Set yourself a challenge. I have practically had to sit on my hands in the past to get to the end of the first week, but once I did it, it became a challenge to get to the end of week two and so forth. I rewarded myself along the way and when I got to three months, my shoe cupboard had a new arrival….

Ashley suggests “I handled my NCR recently by going a minimum of 60 days of “no contact” and I kept a log/journal that also incorporated some goal setting too. What that did for me was help me focus on things other than not being in contact with my ex and it also helped me express the emotions I was feeling about it. It was interesting to be able to look back and see my progress into a stronger person that felt better about myself (and indifferent about him).”

Put on your favourite feel good, independent woman song, turn the music up loud, and verbally vent out your frustration. Sounds crazy but it’s great for releasing pent up emotions and you start to get a sense of humour about the whole thing. Oh and your neighbours can’t hear you talking to yourself. If you’re crazy like me, you’ll do a little dance too. ‘Since You’ve Been Gone’ by Kelly Clarkson is a great one but I’ve done it to ‘Proud Mary’ by Tina Turner too!

Write ‘Don’t call {insert name}’ on a Post-It and stick it to your phone, mirror, and anywhere else that helps you visualise. Or write it in lipstick on your mirror. I know of people who literally littered their homes with messages and it works.

Some people need reminders of the ‘Big Whoppers’ – the horrible things that he did. Type up the short form of each offence and print it out in a decent sized font. For eg. ‘Stood me up six times’;’He has never delivered on any of his promises’;’He’s a selfish, inconsiderate, crap lover’ or for those of us with a killer vengeance ‘His d*ck wasn’t that big anyway!’ Then stick it up somewhere that you can see them. Or create a screen saver….

NY Sharon suggests “On a small card, write a brief snapshot list of memory triggers for you on the worse things he did or a mind imprint of something hurtful he said. These should be the ones that evoke the most terrible emotions from you. Keep this list in your purse and copies in other places for easy access.”

Clear out everything that is associated with him. It might not be much, especially if he is the atypical type of Mr Unavailable, but put away the photos, give away his stuff to charity, or just plain old put it in the bin. If you are going to return it, do it at the beginning of the NC period and ideally do it by post or just leave it on his doorstep in a box.

Take a break from dating.
Dating Hiatuses enable you to reconnect with yourself but they also prevent you from kneejerking into another dubious relationship, they give you time to heal, and most importantly, when things go wrong, you don’t get nostalgic for the guy you are having NC with and end up calling him, or at worst shagging him.

Be careful with alcohol.
If you’re the type that calls up your exes when you’ve had a few vinos, it’s probably best to cut back until you have gotten over the urge.

Block him on instant messenger services, block his email, and as one reader suggested, change his name on your phone to “Assclown”. Whatever you call him, don’t answer and as another reader suggested, “If he catches you on the phone or at work…say you’re too busy to talk, I have nothing to say and hang up.”

Eventually you will need to bite the bullet and delete his number.

Screen calls that you don’t recognise the number of or that come up unlisted.

Do tell close friends and family that you no longer bother with him so that they won’t bring him up unnecessarily. NYSharon also suggests getting a sponsor, which can be that one person that you can rely on to sanity check things, who you can call up or meet up with when you feel weak.

Use the time to reconnect with other aspects of your life – friends, family, hobbies, work.
When we are messed around by men, something always gets sidelined so use the opportunity to get things back on track.

Write a letter to him…but don’t post it. Don’t type, write. This is the opportunity to write a Dear John letter explaining why you are doing the NCR and how you feel as a result of being with him. End the letter positively by saying what you can be and do for yourself now that he is out of your life. This letter is your opportunity for closure but you can also keep it as a reminder of how he has made you feel. If it helps, list everything he has done to hurt and disappoint you. Read it back to yourself a few times. When the time is right, burn the letter. This is the opportunity to cleanse yourself of negative feelings about him…or at least begin the process.

But most importantly, no matter how much he begs, no matter how much he pleads, never feed him after midnight. Just joking! But no matter what, cut the contact. The No Contact Rule is not about finding out what someone will do when they lose their narcissistic fill of attention and panic. It shouldn’t matter what he says or does because you want him out of your life, regardless. He has nothing to offer you and you have so much more to offer to yourself.

The litmus test of the No Contact Rule is that over time you realise that you feel so much better without him in your life.

Good luck ladies and believe in yourselves!

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
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Registered: 10-14-2010


Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Breaking Up and Moving On By Cutting Contact. Part 2
by NML on February 1, 2008

Thanks for visiting my blog! Have you checked out my workshops & ebooks?
The No Contact Rule means that you have to go cold turkey but you put yourself in the driving seat, create your own closure, and you start to control the relationship that you have perceived as uncontrollable. It is an exit strategy and trust me, you will use the No Contact Rule if you truly want to exit a poor relationship and want to get back your sense of self.

In Part 1, I explained what the No Contact Rule is, why we avoid it, and some tips to get you started and in this post I am giving some guidance on when to apply the rule.

How do you know if you need to apply the No Contact Rule?

No contact is a pretty harsh way to cut things off but it’s increasingly needed because of the type of dating habits that both men and women are adopting. As women, we seem to love being with men that are disconnected and unavailable for relationship duty, and who can’t commit to being with us…and can’t commit to not being with us.

If you are experiencing any of the following, you need the No Contact Rule (NCR) for your sanity, nevermind anything else:

You have no endings. You have a number of ‘ex’ boyfriends that call you up to get nostalgic, get the lowdown on whether you’ve moved on, and also to get busy with you. As a result, you’re not technically finished with a lot of the men in your past.

Can’t break, won’t break. When a man keeps popping back up in your life, despite having nothing more to offer than when you dumped him (or he exited) and despite your insistence to stay away, he does anything but.

You won’t let go. You’re one of those women that hopes too much. You haven’t cut the contact because you think he’s going to turn from a cockroach, into a frog, and then eventually into a prince. You think you’re chasing and holding out for a man that’s playing hard to get, when in actual fact, he’s not trying to be caught…

When they pull The Friend Card. Many men lack the balls to live with the feeling of knowing that they’ve behaved badly, so they throw you The Friend Card so that they feel like less of a sh*t than they really are. It is a gateway into your life and if you haven’t gotten over him and broken the emotional tie, it sets you back and prevents you from getting over him and moving on.

You have exchanged the ‘girlfriend’ role for the booty call one. Never take a demotion in the hope that it will enable you to get a promotion!

He blows hot and cold. Blowing hot and cold is Mr Unavailable’s (emotionally unavailable guys) way of controlling the relationship, keeping you at a distance, and keeping you in check, but when he blows hot, it’s not because he wants you, it’s just because he’s balancing things out so that he can keep you on ice for a bit longer.

You have a low self-esteem, bad dating and relationship habits, and are struggling to let go of old feelings.

Don’t use the No Contact Rule to:

Break off a relationship for the first time. Do the decent thing woman! Unless the man is downright crazy or abusive, the first time you guys finish, a bit of an explanation wouldn’t go astray!

End your marriage. The NCR is not for marriages. Not only do you need to stay in touch for your divorce, but it’s a pretty nasty way to end a relationship with someone you were prepared to legally bind yourself to!

Playing games. Ladies, ladies, LADIES! Stop playing games because it will backfire, you will bite off more than you can chew, and you will falsely impact on the relationship. Pulling the NCR to test if he’s interested is childish, plus, if he is emotionally unavailable, he will blow hot…and then blow cold when he’s comfy putting you right back to square one.

Is the No Contact Rule permanent?

It is as permanent as you want it to be, but the golden rule is that you can only restart or accept contact when you are completely over him and have moved on. I suggest making it permanent for men that add little value to your life. There is no point in keeping contact for ego’s sake, as it will be mostly his ego that gets massaged.

At the bare minimum, the no contact rule should be enforced for two to three months. For men that tend to disappear and then reappear when it suits, take the longest period of time that they’ve ever disappeared for and add a month.

Think of it like giving up smoking – It’ll hurt in the short-term and you’ll be tempted to light up a few times in the first few weeks, but after a while, you feel better than you expected and time is disappearing.

Move on ladies and learn to let go! If you had to do the NCR in the first place, it’s in recognition of the fact that he didn’t treat you well, he didn’t respect your previous wishes to leave you alone to get on with your life, and he didn’t respect your wishes when you said “I’ll call you, don’t call me”. Now why would you want to be friends with someone who can’t follow basic instructions but still expected to slip back into your life when it suited, and hope that you’d break him off a piece?

In Part 3, I will put the definitive list of the best ways to cut the contact, including some suggested by readers.
Validate YOURSELF through acceptance and rejection of other people's behavior
Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010
Breaking Up and Moving On By Cutting Contact. Part 1

by NML on January 30, 2008


back of a white envelopeA while back, Rose City Girl explained the No Contact Rule which drew in quite a few comments. More and more of you are writing to me wanting to know more about the ‘no contact’ rule and how to move forward.

The No Contact Rule is a delicate balancing act between taking back control, booting someone out of your life (even if they don’t know it) and not going crazy. You apply the No Contact Rule (NCR) when you are in a relationship that just won’t die a death even though it’s dead as a dodo, when a guy likes to boomerang in and out of your life whenever it suits, and especially when you keep flogging a dead horse and chasing the guy around even though he is mistreating you.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
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Registered: 10-14-2010

Are enhanced by . . . .


"Processes" are selected activities that are regularly initiated to effect change. There are nine important ones chosen by the authors as distinct areas of consideration and useful "tools" in Changing for Good. They are:

Consciousness-raising: Increasing knowledge about yourself and your problem.

Social liberation: Considerations in the external environment that can contribute to helping change, ie: no smoking areas, lo-cal menu items, advocacy groups.

Emotional arousal: Increased awareness through depth of feeling from natural events or dramatic intervention, psychodrama.

Self-reevaluation: A thoughtful and emotional reappraisal of yourself as regards your problem, weighing the pros and cons of changing.

Commitment: Acknowledging that you are the only one who can respond, speak and act for yourself.

Countering: Planning for and substituting healthy responses for unhealthy ones, action oriented.

Environmental control: Restructuring your personal environment so that the probability of a problem-causing event is reduced.

Rewards: Affirmation of desirable behavior by self or others as contrasted with and better than any type of punishment for problem behavior.

Helping relationships: Receiving care, support and assistance from significant people in your life.

These Processes are broad areas which are applied during different stages of change. Within each process there are usually a number of Techniques that can be applied to further the effect. The few examples given with Social liberation above are examples of techniques. Another illustration of this would be in Countering urges. One person might substitute chewing gum as an alternative to having a cigarette, while another might distract himself by running around the block.

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010