Welcome Package - A TLC first aid kit for Newbie ENDERS

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Registered: 10-14-2010
Welcome Package - A TLC first aid kit for Newbie ENDERS
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Fri, 11-12-2010 - 8:49pm

Before I get too far past the initial feelings of Ending...I want to gather a number of helpful (One Stop Shop) articles and (previous posts) If you all dont mind if I copy and paste - I promise to include the links and give credit to the author- :) I just want to Organize a

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010

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Registered: 10-14-2010
Let Go of Your Ex: Avoid These 7 Excuses!

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
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Registered: 10-14-2010

TU's Post on TOUGH LOVE

Hello All,

I had been thinking about writing a post of this sort for a while - as I have found myself sinking back from this board too. I have felt unappreciated and mis-understood by those I was giving endless amounts and time and energy to: providing resources, experiences, love and encouragement. I have found myself unbelievably tired as of late.

I like to think I can understand where people are coming from. That I can understand the utter disappointment, hurt, frustration, shock, dis-belief. My affair devastated me and my family - my xAP and his family. We had Ddays (both planned) ... we thought we were in 'love'. We spent hours and hours together (every day). We came to be close to one another's partners and children. We were colleagues and co-researchers/writers. We traveled. You name it, we did it. We met family, we shared friends etc ... and guess what, it ended. I ended it. It broke my freaking heart. It broke his heart. It destroyed our families. Like DESTROYED them. My children are dealing with separation, and his family is dealing with their own devastating fallout.

Ya - it sucks that the affair ended. It sucks WAY MORE that we were so unwell that we wrapped ourselves in a fantasy bubble at the expense of everyone who loved us. We stole from them. We stole time, resources, care & concern. We miss-directed our attention. We invested in a falling 'stock'. We became so self-absorbed that nothing mattered except 'us'. It was sick and wrong.

And don't get me wrong, I am about as non-traditional/alternative as it gets - politically, academically and otherwise. BUT in no culture, in no alternative life-style is lying, manipulating, deceiving dis-respectful behavior accepted as part of the life-style. Open marriages, polyamory - whatever, even they require the upmost in transparency to even have shot at 'working'.

So - if you are hurt that your affair is over, ya - we have ALL felt that kinda pain. We have had our affair bubbles popped. Some of us are enders and others endees - whatever - does is matter in the end? NO NO NO! Just because you weren't the one to end it - well, don't use it as an excuse to stay stuck - to stay fixated on how it could have just been over, how s/he should have respected you enough to have done A B C - in a perfect world we wouldn't have had affairs. How the end is of little consequence - sorry to those who think that it matters. ENDING IS WHAT MATTERS. The rest of how it plays out is a bonus - but in no way, shape or form is the ending indicative of your worth, how much you were 'loved' or how good a person you thought s/he was. If they/we were capable of being in an affair, we are already capable of cruelty. Don't be surprised when this cruelty is turned on you. My only suggestion is for those in affairs TO END it as fast as they can, scrapping their last bit of dignity off the ground.

And when it ends? Well, that's just the beginning. Time to start working the work of re-framing your experience. This isn't about whether or not you had a fabulous 'connection' - it is about two people who lack integrity, courage and self/other respect. It is about two people who feel entitled, who feel so darn smug that they can get away with sneaking behind the backs of those who trust them the most.

And if you're single - that doesn't give you some out just because you didn't take the vow. Come on, you're colluding with someone else who you think you love to have them hurt the people s/he vowed to love and protect. Where is the dignity in that? Where is the higher moral ground? My husband had left me because of my affair, and one year later, I was the one who ended my affair. I had nothing left to lose in my RL - except myself.

With the help of this board, I was able to finally see that saving myself was reason enough to end my affair. I was worth it. I was worth a life of dignity. I was drawing my own line in the sand - saying NO ONE was ever going to ask me to settle for crumbs again. I was NO longer going to accept them. So - I walked out of my affair at a time when I would need to stand totally on my own while patching up the lives of my children who had been so hurt as a direct consequence of my actions.

So - I may come across as a little unsympathetic, a little "tough lovish" at times. You know why? Because it matters to me. 'YOU' matter to me, and the families 'YOU' are going to destroy matter to me. Because I don't want to see others dilly dally around, farting away the second chances they get to live a better way.

I didn't find this board in time, and I have little patience for those trying to unlearn the insights they gain here. Yes we all mess up, yes leaving is a process, yes it is full of pain, missing, longing for those fixes - but choosing to dis-regard the comments/opinions time and time again IS NOT messing up - it is a commitment to staying in an affair, junky mindset that serves no one here well. Least of all 'yourself'.

I see EAS as a refuge, a place to re-build the broken and to re-establish healthier thinking patterns and coping mechanisms. THIS is not a place to be enabled and coddled.

EAS saved my life. EAS allowed me to stop the damage before further damage was done to my self-esteem. EAS was my life-boat in the scarcest, darkest waters I had ever found myself in. EAS set expectations of my conduct and encouraged accountability and responsibility. EAS was my compass when I was so incredibly lost. 'YOU' can trust your own compass - your own best thinking right now, but at some point that thinking got you into an affair. Maybe it is time to turn your trust over to those who have ended, and found full lives to be lived outside of their affair.

With Love & Care,

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou




Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010

My own personal WELCOMES (Oct 16th) Im highlighting what stood out to me

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2010

tough-love-logo-740360.jpg

Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart... Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens. I started looking inside and went NC October 15, 2010

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