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|Tue, 01-15-2013 - 12:00pm|
Found this in the Healing Library many months ago (it's gone now, of course), but I saved it. I have always thought this was the best description of an A, and the reasons for hanging on to it, that I've ever heard.
You are coasting along in your life, maybe not entirely unhappily and maybe each day is different only in shades of gray and then you meet this person and you WAKE THE FK UP; color pours into your world and everything tastes better; every love song ever written is about YOU and this person; you cannot wait to wake up in the morning; you cannot wait to hear the things that will come out of this person’s mouth; there is no mundane, there is no taken for granted, there is no just-getting-through-life.
But you don’t really know if this is because this person is your soul mate or if it is because you are involved in a highly intoxicating situation that has a tenuous relationship to reality. Everything is felt to the 12th degree because your time together is compacted down to a dime. So every moment has to count! You don’t pay the bills together; and you don’t see the person every day for years on end in every varying state of his or her life so you don’t get that boredom lull.
When you eventually end it, and you will have to unless you are truly one of the lucky ones who can f* their best friend, lover, soul mate, other half and go home and not want one iota more of this person than you are getting (and kudos to you if you fit this profile..I almost wish I had this ability myself), you will feel grief of the most gutting, visceral pain you have ever known. You cannot acknowledge that there is now a hole inside of you because you are not supposed to be getting your fill elsewhere in the first place.
No contact is usually attempted so you cannot talk to the one person who makes you feel better about everything; you cannot put a band-aid on the wound which really needs f'ing hospitalization but you spray it with Bactine and hope for the best. You keep picking at it and picking at it until it bleeds again but then you realize that only when you leave it alone— truly well and alone — will it heal and fade. But you can’t because it is there. So you pick again. You convince yourself that without this person in your life, you will never feel that alive again; that electrically charged; that AWAKE. You mourn the loss of what you think was a better you; a more exciting, vibrant you; a you that was firing on all cylinders. You go back to dead you and guess what? dead you is soul-suckingly boring. Don’t you deserve to feel alive? Dammit don’t you deserve a little f'ing happiness in this den of misery we operate in? What is so wrong with having something that makes your soul sing? Must you really give up every shred of happiness to fall into society’s role of the perfect man or woman?
But guess what? This will never bring you happiness because you cannot live on half measures and you cannot live in between the cracks. The push and pull will kill you. Up/down, back and forth. I need him, I want him, I love him, he is not mine, get over it, forget him, move on, numb, cope, survive, deal, steel yourself to get through WITHOUT HIM.
But knowing what you have to do and truly believing this is the course of action you wish to pursue? Worlds apart…your heart isn’t in it. You don’t want to live without this person. You don’t want to settle.
Welcome to purgatory. Trying to find a way out may kill you.