Wisdom and Insights...renewed for 2013
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| Wed, 01-02-2013 - 8:04pm |
Kittery, Clarity and RBM pretty much summed it up. Total NC and time are the key words when ending. The first few months are the hardest. We are so vulnerable and in so much pain but pushing through and believing that it will get better keeps us on track.
Posting on here constantly in those first few months saved me. When we delve into ourselves and write it out and when we post on other's threads of struggle, it reiterates to our minds that we are done and we are moving forward. I remember someone once posted about trudging through snow. We don't get snow here where I live in Australia so I had to pretend it was a bush walking trail instead but our brains have paths and we trudge down the same ones over and over until the path is well and truly worn. During the affair, the path gets dirty and sludgy but we still walk it even though it tires us. Til eventually we realise that path is no good for us. It hinders us and we have to spend so much time washing off the mud everytime we walk it. So we have to make a new path. And it seems hard because it is not carved out for us. We come across hurdles and it would just be so much easier if we go back to the old path. But the beauty about the new path is despite the hurdles and the hard work, we are still clean. Making a new path in your brain means telling yourself you are worth more, you are done and you will never go back. It is teaching our brains that it is okay to feel sad and all the emotions that come with ending an A but we are going to try something different now. We are going to start listening to our heads and letting them lead the feelings for a while. And when we do that a new path begins to form. And the beauty of it is this - it crosses over to all areas of our life and that is what makes walking the new path worth while. For when we rebuild after a storm, we get to rebuild something better if we want, with a stronger foundation.
Don't give up, do what needs to be done and start believing that you are worth a new path.
RTMO
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This is a post which rang true for me so I copied and pasted it onto my computer. I don't know who wrote the post, so unfortunately I can't give them the credit for it, in fact I may have found it on Baggage Reclaim, but it really made me sit up and think about my situation whilst I was still in my A ...
Don't hold onto the beginning. It wasn't real. The only part of an A that's real, in my limited experience, is the end.
Now, that doesn't mean your feelings weren't real, even if it was chemical trickery. So, if you felt you loved him, you loved him. However long, however short. And I can't believe we lower ourselves in love. It's only later when we realize we were living in the fog of fantasy that we get to examine our feelings.
Now I can be harsh with myself. I was flattered by the attention and hungry for it. And then I allowed myself to be used and I used right back.
Don't look at the beginning; look closer to the end and ask yourself why you were really in it. And then work towards accepting that, making peace with it and then promising yourself to do better. That's the battle you're working towards: doing better than yesterday, and tomorrow doing better still.
Being in love gives you the feeling that you are precious and treasured by him, but you cannot help but wonder…if it wasn’t for the sex, would he still want to be with me? If you didn’t make it so easy and perfect when he is with you, by not complaining and making sure you look absolutely gorgeous, by having the house spotless…if you were just your ordinary every day self, the way his wife is, would he still treasure you? If you weren’t providing an escape from another relationship, would he still want you?
You have a wonderful newfound closeness with this man that you may not have had for a very long time. However, as time goes by he becomes one of the few people you can be intimate with because you cannot share what is most important for you in your life with most others. Friends and family sense you are closed off in some way, and can become confused and discouraged about your relationship with them. You can feel this, yet are afraid it would cause more damage to their feelings about you if they knew. Your sense of intimacy with your lover can seem more intense when he becomes one of the few people you can really talk to.
You have been freed from the dating game, from the painful aspects of being single, yet you are tied to his schedule. You find yourself forgoing activities that you used to enjoy that might make you unavailable to him should he suddenly have time to see you. The silence of the phone can feel like the bars of this prison.
Being in love creates a sense of safety, yet the foundation for this safety feels, at it’s core, shaky. You know he could decide at any time to stop the affair and try to work on the marriage, or that his wife or someone else can find out and blow his cover. You know you are participating in something that is potentially damaging to many people and that there could be repercussions for yourself. You maintain the sense of safety by trying not to think about these realities.
You tell yourself you deserve to be happy, that you are making him happy. You may even tell yourself you are helping him to be a better husband by the love and comfort you provide. You tell yourself their marriage is already over anyway, or that it’s not your responsibility, but his, since he is the one cheating and you are not cheating on anyone. However, deep down you know you have made a choice to participate in something that can result in devastation for any number of people.
You may feel very powerful in your ability to attract a man who is married, maybe with family and cause him to betray this family. Yet as time goes on, it becomes apparent to you that you frequently feel powerless. You may eventually be giving ultimatums, only to be put off or given false promises. You may find yourself stood up when various situations arise with his family that prevent him from keeping dates. Sitting alone on New Year’s Eve or Saturday night, you feel you have no power at all.
Everyone’s self esteem soars when they experience attracting someone who is attractive to them. However, at the same time you know you are treating yourself as if you do not deserve someone who could be there for you 100%.