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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
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20
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 8:51pm

Im taking it really hard here. As the days go by..to be honest I am not exact on the date. But I am guesstimating 20 days NC thus far. As the days go by the harder it is on me. I am still in that hopeful stage where he will prance right back in like he did at the start of A. I was reminiscing on the start of A yesterday and OMG I was devastated that it is actually "OVER" it is "OVER" I started crying (naturally) and I stayed in bed for most part of the day. Had a day off so I decided to wallow :-(. It hurts so much. I want this hurt to disappear. I know it takes work on my part but I dont know how to train my heart to not feel what it is feeling. My brain is at par (sometimes) but for the most part refuses to reach out. I know for a fact it will never be what I had hoped for. NEVER! On an honest note I dont want to cause anymore trouble in anyone's life. At the same time I cant help but want to be with him. I write down the pros and cons and the cons is the winner here. But all that only makes me sadder. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and thinking because he doesnt want me that it has to do with me. My self esteem took a beating through all of this. TKO beating! How do I restore? Do I need counseling? Does counseling work? I have been once or twice and I didnt feel comfortable. Maybe we didnt click???

Is this normal what I am feeling or am I just the weaker kind? Never did have thick skin..D it!!! How long does this last???




Edited 8/12/2010 9:07 pm ET by livexlaughxlovex

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
In reply to: livexlaughxlovex
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 9:17pm

LLL,


Everyones withdrawl from A will be a little different, but from my experience so far, the 3 week mark was definately

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2010
In reply to: livexlaughxlovex
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 9:25pm

(((LLL))), It does seem to take a disgustingly long time to feel better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
In reply to: livexlaughxlovex
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 9:26pm

That is soooo good to hear!!! I know there is no time frame on these sort of things but I was hoping with each passing day it will get better. I will continue on this journey. What have I got to lose really? I lost so much with XMM. I cant afford to lose anymore of myself to him.

Hurts BAD! :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
In reply to: livexlaughxlovex
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 9:34pm

I do excercise and sleep well.. eating well I love my chocolate :-P My friends are great. They are constantly telling me that he is not worth my time and he has a family and you are wasting your time. They tell me what a jerk and a pig he is. They really look at me like I have 3 heads when I talk about him. They ask me.. DO YOU NOT SEE WHAT HE IS??? HELLO??? I just say no :-(. Im in la la land! Also they have never been in this specific situation and it is hard to get there complete understanding. They wonder how I could be so hurt as XMM and I did not have a real R. So I come here where I know I am not alone :-)

I really want to be where you are. I too built him up in my mind. Anyone is lucky to have a man like him kinda man. ALmost tells you how much I value myself huh? Its awful. I am still in the fog and it is thick!

I am sticking to this even if it kills me LOL. I guess I need to ride it out. Replace neg with the pos!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: livexlaughxlovex
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 11:45pm

lxlxlx,
Me at the beginning: wallowing, broken down, sniffling, lost, confused, hurt, aching like my heart had been literally ripped out, crying, raging, self-medicating, almost suicidal even. this lasted for three months.

I'm not the epitome of a perfect Ender, not by a long stretch. But I'm 9 months out now and I look back to that time and I absolutely can_not_ believe I survived so much heartbreak without giving up.

Does knowing that I went through that help you at all?

xoxox
Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
In reply to: livexlaughxlovex
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 12:14am

Catchy discussion title!


Oyee Dee is so telling you the truth about her beginning.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
In reply to: livexlaughxlovex
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 12:36am

Thank you Dee for making my feelings feel normal. It does help more than you know. I feel like this will never end. It is an ugly place to be. You give me hope that I too will look back one day and exhale. I am tired of that little cloud over my head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
In reply to: livexlaughxlovex
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 1:00am

They are totally amazing!!!! Hope they know this!!!

E1 I just took the personality test and I am the sensory type. Not surprised at all :-( it is good in some sense but it is failing me in my healing process.

I am determined to get through this. After the last breaking NC when I poured my heart out to him which left me with a shattered in a million pieces heart I will not contact him. That is the good news. I am none what so ever tempted in that sense. I am just determine to get out of this black hole i dug for myself!

Thank you for your response :-)




Edited 8/13/2010 9:31 am ET by livexlaughxlovex
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
In reply to: livexlaughxlovex
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 1:02am
LOL at catchy discussion title. I really was at lost for words and nothing came to mind hehe.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
In reply to: livexlaughxlovex
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 10:28am

Dear LLL,

As the others have said, what you are experiencing is absolutely normal. I spent so much of that first month in bed. I cried so much, under ate, over exercised, posted here as much as I could, read here daily, and talked to my BF about any and every aspect of the A (she knew from day 1) to assist me in processing. Helped that she's a therapist. I grieved. Waves of the reality of it being over hit me outta the blue. The only thing I had to cling to was the wisdom of this board. I ended the A and knew it was going to be a rough ride because my own H had moved out - while xAPs life stayed basically the same. So, not only did I have to deal with the ending of my A, but I had to take an honest survey of the damage I had done to my own family life. There were MANY dark moments where I wanted to run and hide, but thankfully there was this little voice inside me reminding me that it was the hiding behaviour that got me into this mess in the first place (and my EAS sisters with slightly louder voices!). I had learned from the hurt, and I was no longer going to hurt myself, my family & my xAPs family any longer. It was over. Sad? Unbelievably. Today? I am happier than I ever was in the affair. I have regained dignity, I am healing the hurts that drove me into self-destruction mode, and I have taken responsibility for my horrible behavior during the A.

You will get here LLL ... I have no doubt (-:

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou




Edited 8/13/2010 10:46 am ET by transcendingus
LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

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