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| Thu, 08-12-2010 - 8:51pm |
Im taking it really hard here. As the days go by..to be honest I am not exact on the date. But I am guesstimating 20 days NC thus far. As the days go by the harder it is on me. I am still in that hopeful stage where he will prance right back in like he did at the start of A. I was reminiscing on the start of A yesterday and OMG I was devastated that it is actually "OVER" it is "OVER" I started crying (naturally) and I stayed in bed for most part of the day. Had a day off so I decided to wallow :-(. It hurts so much. I want this hurt to disappear. I know it takes work on my part but I dont know how to train my heart to not feel what it is feeling. My brain is at par (sometimes) but for the most part refuses to reach out. I know for a fact it will never be what I had hoped for. NEVER! On an honest note I dont want to cause anymore trouble in anyone's life. At the same time I cant help but want to be with him. I write down the pros and cons and the cons is the winner here. But all that only makes me sadder. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and thinking because he doesnt want me that it has to do with me. My self esteem took a beating through all of this. TKO beating! How do I restore? Do I need counseling? Does counseling work? I have been once or twice and I didnt feel comfortable. Maybe we didnt click???
Is this normal what I am feeling or am I just the weaker kind? Never did have thick skin..D it!!! How long does this last???
Edited 8/12/2010 9:07 pm ET by livexlaughxlovex

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Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
oh, we should all take this test!
I'm a infp. Which means I daydream about paying my bills, and feel really, really badly for the Credit Card company when they don't get their money. ha.
Dee
Hi L
I think what you are experiencing is normal.
<<<>>>
This is ME! My XAP was also treating me the same and it was a hard pill to swallow. The more he was like this I made myself crazy to get it back to what it was. I realized that it was a losing battle and even worst I was losing myself.
I know we will heal and we will one day be stronger and most importantly we will NEVER allow anyone to treat us that way again. We only let them do to us what we allow them to do. I cant and WONT allow this anymore. I wonder how I got swooned in the first place. The writing was on the wall years ago. WTF??? Well all that is over and I closed that chapter of my life. One day at a time. As painful as it is it will happen. Although I am still in that "Fantasy" stage :-(
Me too, me too! I feel like the eager girl in
I think that is the sad part.
Why aren't my posts posting under the ones I'm replying to?
Hi LLL- My heart aches for you because I recall the dark days of early NC like they were yesterday, even though I am over 6 months out now. It is rough and like Dee said, looking back, I can't believe that I endured such heart ache and despair and guilt. But I did and what you are experiencing is absolutely normal. All of us "vets" have been in your shoes and now we walk with our heads held high. I could not have done it without the support of the people on this board. They were my light during the darkest time I can remember. And what kept me going was knowing that they had been where I was and had made it out. So, you will learn to practice patience. You will learn to let yourself feel the pain, process the emotions and move on, all the while reminding yourself this too shall pass. And believe that with all of your heart... however, you were right when you said that you have to work on it. It is hard work. You have to face your demons. You have to make a promise let go of the hope. That hope that he will come back for you will keep you in this cycle. Work to let go of that hope and then work on the rest of your life.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
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