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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
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20
Thu, 08-12-2010 - 8:51pm

Im taking it really hard here. As the days go by..to be honest I am not exact on the date. But I am guesstimating 20 days NC thus far. As the days go by the harder it is on me. I am still in that hopeful stage where he will prance right back in like he did at the start of A. I was reminiscing on the start of A yesterday and OMG I was devastated that it is actually "OVER" it is "OVER" I started crying (naturally) and I stayed in bed for most part of the day. Had a day off so I decided to wallow :-(. It hurts so much. I want this hurt to disappear. I know it takes work on my part but I dont know how to train my heart to not feel what it is feeling. My brain is at par (sometimes) but for the most part refuses to reach out. I know for a fact it will never be what I had hoped for. NEVER! On an honest note I dont want to cause anymore trouble in anyone's life. At the same time I cant help but want to be with him. I write down the pros and cons and the cons is the winner here. But all that only makes me sadder. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and thinking because he doesnt want me that it has to do with me. My self esteem took a beating through all of this. TKO beating! How do I restore? Do I need counseling? Does counseling work? I have been once or twice and I didnt feel comfortable. Maybe we didnt click???

Is this normal what I am feeling or am I just the weaker kind? Never did have thick skin..D it!!! How long does this last???




Edited 8/12/2010 9:07 pm ET by livexlaughxlovex

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008
In reply to: livexlaughxlovex
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 10:43am

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: livexlaughxlovex
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 7:47pm

oh, we should all take this test!

I'm a infp. Which means I daydream about paying my bills, and feel really, really badly for the Credit Card company when they don't get their money. ha.

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
In reply to: livexlaughxlovex
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 8:16pm

Hi L


I think what you are experiencing is normal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
In reply to: livexlaughxlovex
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 10:34pm
Thank you TU I guess I just have to be patient with myself and take it as it comes. I really hate this feeling and I really questioned my healing process. I was starting to convince myself that I am feeling like this because it was "true love" and I lost it. But when I come back here and read this board it seems like we all had an A with the same XAP LOL. Well its not funny but the fact that all or most run the same course baffles my mind. It saddens me. This too shall pass :-) Hopefully sooner than later. Ohhh the Pain sucks the big behind :-(
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
In reply to: livexlaughxlovex
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 10:40pm
I did delete :-S I am glad though that you got to read my answers :-) I was a little iffy to post as to not sure why. I know I wont feel judged here but I guess I didnt want to show my weakness and my crazy thought process. I have started journaling and I am working hard to work through the sadness. I am trying really hard to replace my thoughts that are stemmed from emotion you know that "i lost the love of my life; I will never meet another like him; I remember when..... UGH I try to replace them with LOGIC. HE IS MARRIED!!! If he was the one for me than GOD would have had us meet under totally different circumstances. Although I am so freaking RAW with pain now I am going to work through this. Thank you thank you for sharing your insight :-))))
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2010
In reply to: livexlaughxlovex
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 10:47pm

<<<>>>

This is ME! My XAP was also treating me the same and it was a hard pill to swallow. The more he was like this I made myself crazy to get it back to what it was. I realized that it was a losing battle and even worst I was losing myself.

I know we will heal and we will one day be stronger and most importantly we will NEVER allow anyone to treat us that way again. We only let them do to us what we allow them to do. I cant and WONT allow this anymore. I wonder how I got swooned in the first place. The writing was on the wall years ago. WTF??? Well all that is over and I closed that chapter of my life. One day at a time. As painful as it is it will happen. Although I am still in that "Fantasy" stage :-(

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2010
In reply to: livexlaughxlovex
Fri, 08-13-2010 - 11:03pm

Me too, me too! I feel like the eager girl in

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
In reply to: livexlaughxlovex
Sat, 08-14-2010 - 9:08am

I think that is the sad part.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2010
In reply to: livexlaughxlovex
Sat, 08-14-2010 - 9:14am

Why aren't my posts posting under the ones I'm replying to?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2010
In reply to: livexlaughxlovex
Sat, 08-14-2010 - 1:53pm

Hi LLL- My heart aches for you because I recall the dark days of early NC like they were yesterday, even though I am over 6 months out now. It is rough and like Dee said, looking back, I can't believe that I endured such heart ache and despair and guilt. But I did and what you are experiencing is absolutely normal. All of us "vets" have been in your shoes and now we walk with our heads held high. I could not have done it without the support of the people on this board. They were my light during the darkest time I can remember. And what kept me going was knowing that they had been where I was and had made it out. So, you will learn to practice patience. You will learn to let yourself feel the pain, process the emotions and move on, all the while reminding yourself this too shall pass. And believe that with all of your heart... however, you were right when you said that you have to work on it. It is hard work. You have to face your demons. You have to make a promise let go of the hope. That hope that he will come back for you will keep you in this cycle. Work to let go of that hope and then work on the rest of your life.

Hugs,

Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Jane
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/

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