1 month away from Vetville -D-day- not doing so well

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009
1 month away from Vetville -D-day- not doing so well
31
Tue, 11-23-2010 - 9:33am

I will become a Vet 12/23/10.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010

((((((((((couldntsayno)

I am so sorry you ar ehurting and going through this terrible time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010

Wow............this is a bad situation that many of us all fear. There but for the grace of GOD, go I.

Some things come to mind immediately to me and hope these are OK to ask. I just trying to get a grasp on this startling occurrence.

Since you have been having M problems, did you seek professional help when things started going bad? Have you be in any kind of T, either of you? This sounds like a long time coming thing that was built up to over a lot of events.

I can't imagine any spouse, male or female, not coming home some night and not suffering the wrath of the other spouse. I have done some pretty crazy things in my life, but that one never occurred to me. This happened before? What was the outcome then? Was there any reason to believe that it would happen again.

Were you in a fit of anger when you admitted the A? Did you do it to hurt him/get even with him?

Is it in his nature to put you on defense when he has screwed up and make you feel that things are your fault? Many people do that. It's not a fair way to fight, but it happens all the time.

I am so sorry you are going through this, and all us who have kept our spouse in the dark fear a DDay, but it just never would occur to me to be the one to initiate it. I am a believer in the Deny/Deny/Deny theory.

I hope things are better soon, but a fair warning, they will NEVER be the same now. NOW is the time to be getting some outside help.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009

((CSN))

My heart goes out to you, honey. It's going to be rough sailing, no doubt, but my gut tells me that you have wanted to burst this seeping fever blister for a long time. I could read between the lines in your posts that the guilt was destroying you. It is out there now, but it doesn't mean your 20 year M is over. Are there children involved? If so, have you managed to keep this from them?

I really can't offer you anything but ((hugs)). TU and NC have been where you are right now and I hope they will chime in with what you can expect next, and how to handle the pain your H is going through. I do know that he will need a lot of time to digest this and as long as he wants to talk about it, you have a good chance of rebuilding. Of course, you will also have to decide if you want to rebuild. Are you in counseling? If not, please find someone ASAP who will help see you through this difficult time.

Again, I am so sorry.

((Hugs))

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Hi couldntsayno,

My heart goes out to you. Please don't think it's all your fault, you have your part in your actions but so does your H. I'm hoping once the initial feelings of the fight and admitting to the A will have your H come to a point where you can both talk about what you both want to see happen in your relationship. Maybe you can suggest councelling for the both of you and separetly? Take extra care of yourself, be kind to yourself. I know that's easier said than done but you don't want to get run down to a point of where emotions take over. Big hugs to you, I'm sending positive vibes your way:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009

Thank you, renewal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009

CSN-

((((HUGS)))).

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009

RBM,

We have not sought professional help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2009

I knew you would come running, Iddy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010

(((CSN)))

Is there a possibility that your H has known about the A all along and not said anything? He has obviously picked up on something, or he wouldn't have asked.

I'm glad you "came clean" with him. I know there are differing opinions on whether to tell or not to tell, but I really believe that if you are going to have a true partnership with someone, it has to be 100% honest. I agree with Dee, that it might have been better to bring it up under more "calm" circumstances - but sometimes it takes something extreme to push us to say what we've wanted to say all along. I know it's hard to think this right now, but being truthful is always your best bet.

<<>>

It's not gone - as Iddy said, it's going to be a rough ride. AND it's not all your fault. It takes two people to make a marriage work. Your husband's choices to get drunk and not come home are unacceptable.

We're all here for you.

Bodhi

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2009

((CSN)), I really don't know what to say, except I am so sorry you are hurting right now.

BE the change that you want to see in the world! Life loves me and I love life! <3

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