1 month away from Vetville -D-day- not doing so well
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1 month away from Vetville -D-day- not doing so well
| Tue, 11-23-2010 - 9:33am |
I will become a Vet 12/23/10.
| Tue, 11-23-2010 - 9:33am |
I will become a Vet 12/23/10.
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Dee, thank you for your advice.
Dear CSN,
((HUGS)) ... I can relate to where you are at, in many many ways. I haven't shared much about my H's behaviour prior to, during and after the affair, because I have tried to take responsibility for my choices regardless of what H's decisions/behaviours were. However, we don't have affairs in a bubble - there is always a context, circumstances, reasons why this affair at this time with this person. Sorry if this comes off as excusing the choices to engage in an affair - but please don't mistake me. I just know that there are reasons beyond our "selfish" ways that makes having an affair a viable alternative to engaging in solutions to the real problems going on.
My H uses alcohol. He has since day 1. I have tried throughout our years together to manage the impacts that it has on me. I have worked on my triggers, and we developed ways to make me feel safer if he is going to be drinking (like not driving and what time I can expect him home). You know what CSN, many nights I have spent sitting on the stairs crying wondering why he hasn't come home. Too drunk to call, then showing up in a taxi blitzed outta his mind. Sometimes it wasn't until morning. While not often, it was enough to leave me wondering if tonight was the night. I learned to tell by the sound of his footsteps coming in the door if he had been drinking. It was often random so I couldn't predict. It could be in the afternoon, or a weekend night. I never really knew.
I grew up with an alcoholic father - it was that life all over again, and my H knew it. He tried to get help, but addiction, like we all know, masks much deeper hurts, and I know that given my H's own trauma was/is not able/wiling to "go there" yet. He doesn't admit to having an addiction, only that how he choses to use has impacts on me. His childhood is the stuff movies are made of. SO ya, the affair didn't make his drinking better, and worse because I felt so worthless, I no longer enforced any boundaries. I thought who was I to complain, look at me? What a dangerous situation I was tolerating (emotionally). I felt so vulnerable. Well, my H became our hero. He became horrified at who we had become and the enabling we were doing for one another, and the damage we were doing to one another. No one was being directly hurtful, but all of our actions were slowly destroying the other. I believe to this day, that he made the decision I didn't have the strength to do. It was the most loving thing he could do given where we were both at at that time.
Him leaving has given us the opportunity to really think whether or not we will re-build this marriage or focus on parenting. I know for certain I will not have alcohol in my life, in any capacity, in any way. He has not stopped drinking - so that's a deal breaker. However, now that he lives in a separate space, his drinking does not impact me. He can go out a night a week, and I don't worry when he is coming home. I have been working on co-dependancy issues that existed in my life, and re-established boundaries. You see CSN, you can now DECIDE if you want to be in this marriage. That's what this break has done for me. I in all likelihood would not have left my H because of his drinking ... I would have continued to suffer the consequences ... and that's really really really not okay. It's not okay for you either. No matter what any one has done, people ought to stay together because they really believe that partner brings goodness to their life, a sense of safety, belonging, wellness ... and if they can't/won't then we can't be with them. It really is as simple as that.
So stop, take a breath for a minute ... and don't react from a place of crisis. Go see a therapist and see where YOU would like to go from here, and what HE is willing to do to help the marriage re-build ... if he would like to.
When something ends, new and amazing things begin. I am living proof of that. Now you can live your truth - no dirty secret eating you up inside. Once it is all out in the open, there is no more feeling unworthy because you're lying or holding a something back. Now he gets to choose to be with you based on the truth, and not on a non-reality. The reality is the affair changed you, and what you need in your life.
Much Love,
TU.
Bodhi, I think my H has suspected something for awhile.
Hi Jen, thank you for your warm words.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Thank you, TU, my wise friend.
Clarity, you have been here for me from the beginning, and always with good advice.
Perhaps you might want to go back to Al-anon. You'll have an impossible time setting healthy boundaries for yourself as long as you feel responsible for the choices that you H had made, and is making.
So you're broken ... that's okay. Better to break down than suffer trying to hold something unhealthy together.
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
- Marilyn Monroe
((HUGS))
Tu.
CSN, oh honey big hugs to you.
I can't add any more than what the others have said. But your words that jumped out to me were that you caused your H to develop this behavior. OH NO You didn't, HE did.
NS, Thank you for the reminder about "one day at a time".
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