1 more question......

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
1 more question......
6
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 11:37am
once you totally end it......how do you move on with your life?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 12:21pm
For me, it's one moment at a time. As each day goes by, I can feel my resolve to end my EA with my xMM get stronger and stronger. NC truly is best. I learned this the hardway. Although I have cut off any and all phone contact (which was our major source of connection), and blocked him from my IM (we weren't big on IM'ing each other--but each action sends a message loud and clear), I responded (big mistake) to a few of his emails (though they were narritive in nature)--I slowly felt my resolve weaken each time I hit "Send," which of course, just made my commitment to end my EA even more difficult. For me, it was almost like not allowing a wound to heal. Each time I would remove the bandaid and pick at it, I was allowing it to fester instead, which in turn, was just slowing down the process of healing.

I also began to replace my unhealthy behavior with healthy ones, e.g. each time I had a thought or memory of him--I would replace it with a positive thought of my H or I would call a friend or do something constructive, i.e. read a novel, exercise, clean the house, volunteer my time to a good cause--insert whatever you know would work for you. These are things that have helped me personally. Just know you are not alone in your struggles with ending your A with your xMM. Know that these very weaknesses can be turned around into a strength you never thought you had. Just my very humble opinions, thanks for listening, ~ifm

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 12:52pm
Secret, hugs to you, I know you've been struggling lately. I know you've been hurting because of your MM's broken promises -- but remember, he first made promises to his W; by now he is a pro at breaking promises!

Moving on is hard, no question about it; that is why this board is so helpful. I_Forgive_ me is right, you have to do it one day at a time, even one hour at a time if that helps. Recognize that it will take awhile to heal, and allow yourself to grieve and to hurt. At first you need to constantly remind yourself about why it is time to move on, and then allow yourself those bad days that inevitably come -- when the hurt and the anger come back. That's what I've recently gone through, after 7 months, but I've worked through it again -- it gets easier every time.

When you hit a roadblock, post; there are a lot of wise women here.

xo,

K.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 5:47pm
Secret. I know how you feel. Did you read my post? I have been struggling for the last few days and feel exactly as you do. I have called his phone to hear his voice on voicemail (knowing it would be off). No, I didn't leave a message. Today I had so many thoughts of him and began to rationalize in my mind that it would be okay to call him and see him once more. Instead I called my girlfriend who knows the situation and talked to her about it instead of calling him.

Every time I come close to breaking down Secret, I remember that he chose to be with his wife. I feel deceived and rejected. I am sure that he is saying sweet and nice things to her to make her feel good. I know that if I call him that I will feel worse when we hang up because he will still be sleeping with her that night. Nothing will change. Nothing you can do will change the situation Secret, you have no control.

The only thing you can control is your own happiness.

Stay busy and use your friends now. Get involved in something, keep your mind busy. Time will pass.

~Love

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 7:43pm
((Secretluver)) You have been given some good advice by the other posters. I agree that the way to move on is little by little, step by step. Each day of NC is one more day closer to healing, and re-claiming your life. It will hurt, and it will be hard, possibly the hardest thing you have ever had to do in your life. But in the end, you will come out stronger for it.

I would also suggest focusing on you. Pamper yourself, go to the spa, take up a new hobby, immerse yourself in your job or friends. For me, it is horseback riding and my friends that save me. When I am having a bad day, I go to the barn and ride, or call a friend to have lunch, go to a movie, or just talk. No one knows about my A, so I can't talk about that, but we talk about other things.

Just trust that your instinct to end the A and go NC is right on, and someday, you will realize that this is the best move you ever made.

Stay strong, girl! We're here for you!

((hugs))

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 12:34pm
Secret,

Thanks for the question. The answers have been helpful for me as well. In my situation I never wanted MM to leave his W. It was better with us being on the same level since I'm married too. Staying busy and posting helps me. Sometimes just "venting" gets it out of me and so I can go on with my day. It's hard because it's the ending of a relationship. I'm going to get a book entitled "Letting Go". I heard it was good. Also, a good book I read (at the bookstore) is "Don't Call That Man" by Rhonda Findling. Can't very well bring those books home so I read what I can in the bookstore.

Hugs & stay strong

RRose

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 10:21am

I answer your question with another question that may give you some guideance:


How do you move on with your life when a loved one dies?


The analogy between ending your affair and losing a loved one is strong. In both situations you have lost the opportunity to continue a relationship with someone who is important in your life.


I believe that it is important to go through the mourning stage. Acknowledge the good times. And the hurts.


And then resolve to live each day going forward with you eye on your future.


Fill the time of secret meetings with out in the open friendships and projects.


The pain of the loss of the relationship will fade with time. As does the initial pain of the death of a loved one.


There is life after the end of your affair. Keep moving forward.