1 Week
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1 Week
| Wed, 06-22-2005 - 11:53am |
Okay, it has been 1 week today that I have talked to my mm. He has called a few times in the last couple of days, but I haven't picked up the phone and haven't replied back to his emails. He just left me a nasty vmail. I had someone in my office, so I didn't pick up the phone and I get a message from him saying, "I'M BEGINNING TO THINK YOU ARE AVOIDING ME!" and he hung up. He wasn't yelling but sounded angry. Part of me wants to call back and say, "No sh*t, I asked you not to call me and I assumed you were going to respect my wishes." But the other part of me is so sad and misses him so much. I want to hear his voice. Please tell me the first week is the hardest. I don't think I can make it much longer. This is by far the longest in 2 years that we have not seen or talked to each other. I know it is an addiction and a routine to break but I have never had to break an addiction so I guess I wasn't sure how hard it was going to be. Sorry for the ramble, I just needed to get this out. My one friend that knows about us, is probably pretty sick of hearing from me now. Thanks! Why am I doing this again??

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I am in the same boat as you so its hard to really give advice. It definitely makes it harder to move on when MM keeps contacting you. I have the same problem. He is sending emails full of twisted logic about how its all my fault and I should commit to him and show him the real me and he will get unmarried and commit to me as well. he also left an agry VM on my phone last night as well. It is extremely upsetting so I understand what you are going thru. They won't give us what we need and deserve but they won't let us go either. DO NOT talk to him or let him goad you into returning his emails/calls. It is all a ploy t get you mad and respond to him. These guys know exactly what they are doing. It will get easier as you get more and more pissed off and see him for the ahole he is.
Ivy
AS & Ivy,
You are NOT alone and this is why all of us are on this board, because we are out of our A's.
Today is day 13 of NC for me!!! Yes, it's tough, but I think it does get easier as time goes by. In both of your cases your xMM is still contacting you (mine hasn't) and that is why it's harder for you to let go.
When I was still in my A, my xMM did the same thing. We would break up and then after a few days of NC he would call me and leave me the sweetest vm's only to make me weak and I would go right back to him.
Even the LAST break up we had, he ended it and then leaves me a second vm and says that he wants to remain "friends". What for??? That's basically him saying in plan dog language "Oh, I wanna take a break now, I feel a little guilty, but when the guilt wears off I'll be contacting you again so that I can use you some more."
Well, I put a stop to that!!! I told him NEVER to call me again and I don't ever wanna see him either. Plus, he won't dare to break NC because I told my H about my A.
Yes, part of me is happy that since xMM knows that I told my H he will never call me again. Then another part of me is like "This is really it, he won't call again, he won't try to win me back" and it's really hard to accept.
Please stay strong!!!!!! If you want to remain A free, you have to ignore your xMM's calls, e-mails, etc. Change your cell#, or put a block on their call, anything to keep them away. If you respond you will be right back in the A.
This is their way of manipulating us. Jeez, if I could tell you how many times xMM tried to get me back after we ended it. He knew EXACTLY what to say in his vm's to make me weak. He would say how much he "loved" me, blah, blah, blah. However, he NEVER once told me that in my face.
Remember, these xMM's like to be in CHARGE, so by you ignoring their calls, they are not in charge anymore and that's what drives them crazy.
Yeah, I miss xMM too, but the more I think about it, why should I miss someone who treated me like trash????? He didn't even have the guts to end it with me in person, but leaves me a lousy vm at 4 a.m. in the morning.
Unfortunately the first week, month, will be tough to let go. It's different for everyone. It may even take years, who knows? Just think of it like quitting drugs, or stop drinking alcohol, or stop smoking cigarettes. You will always have that urge, but you have to say to yourself "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger."
Believe me, I NEVER had an addiction in my life either! I don't smoke, I don't drink, I never did drugs, so I have no clue what it's like getting out of an addiction. The hardest part about letting go of an AP, is the fact that you can't even talk about this openly to anyone. I mean, it's not like you can run to your best friend and cry a shoulder on her (at least I can't). I can't even go to a priest, because I am not religious. Yes, I know I could go to a therapist, but I chose not to. Coming to this board has helped me in a lot of ways, so for now this is my solution for my pain and getting some help in healing.
Please, please, please DO NOT answer your xMM's calls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stay strong!!!!!!
PG
P.S.: I hope to see your log on name be changed to APPARENTLY SMART soon if you can keep ignoring your xMM's calls :)
AS,
I am going to post my little list that helped me stay strong the first 2 weeks (the hardest phase). I keep this list by my pc at work (of course it's written in a cryptic way so no one else can understand it).
I don't look at it as much now since it's been one month of LC (we work together). After about 2-3 weeks that intense feeling you have will subside some and will be more manageable. Every time I had the feeling to call I would force myself to run through the list and it stopped me in my tracks.
I knew all the "moral" and "good for me" reasons that I shouldn't contact him but I was (at that time) still so focused on what HE WAS THINKING that many of the items on the list are reasons associated with making myself look better in his eyes.
You'll see at this point I was still not looking at the Big Picture, but what can I say? It got me through. See if any of them help you.
NO CONTACT:
1. Think of the last 3 months before you ended it. Like it was good before you ended it? You want to go right back to that?
2. Fence-sitting. By not calling I'm forcing him off the fence.
3. Earn respect. I have read that MM don't lose much respect for themselves or other MM that cheat, but that they don't have much respect for OW that cheat (including their own). No contact is earning back some respect.
4. It takes 60-90 days for a man to feel the loss. Let that happen. In fact, I made that a milestone.
5. Give him time to let him feel what it's like to not get attention. If I always contact him he will never miss me.
6. He's not going anywhere. I can always call him tomorrow if I must.
7. Living well is the best revenge. Show him that you're fine with or WITHOUT him.
Good luck,
WIP
Here's what I think: I think instead of telling yourself that he made his choice and it wasn't you, you should say that YOU made YOUR choice and you are refusing to sit around anymore and wait to see what MM does with his life and his wife. YOU made YOUR decision that it was time to stop fence sitting and take a little responsibility for the fact that you have a H sitting by, waiting for a year for you to decide what you want. I think you should think about how you are going to go about rebuilding your marriage, if that's what you want to do, and let MM worry about himself. I am sure he is a smart guy and knows exactly what is going on. Stop worrying about him and start focusing on yourself and what you want out of life. Decide that you are going to take the time and figure out if you want to save your marriage or get divorced and start over. Either way, MM is not a part of the decision.
I know you feel sad and miss him. I do too. It is very hard for me to ignore the sad emails because I love him. It is hard for me to ignore the angry emails because I want to respond and get angry back at him. It takes all my energy and my nerves are shot over MM. So I do understand. But this has to end!!! I cannot and will not go on in this state of existence and neither should you.
Ivy
8. Go back to when you gave him another chance, was it worth your waiting more time? How about the time before that and the time before THAT? Think back to the moment when you wished you had walked away and now imagine yourself a year from now thinking back to this day, another year older, another year wasted.
9. Remember the last time you had IC, and now recall how it felt when he kissed you goodbye, got in his car and drove off to a place you couldn't follow him to, a place where you don't exist. Remember the pain and the despair. Want to feel like that again? Picture yourself calling him back and him rushing to you and falling into bed. Now picture him saying, thanks babe, love you and driving off again back to his home. Do you hate yourself?
10. Speaking of despair, recall when you were alone, desperate to reach him and you called and called but he wouldn't answer and you KNEW he was with THEM. Recall the taste of panic and the fog of insanity that entered your brain. You almost lost it then, your grip on reality and sanity was shakey and you thought you just couldn't take this anymore, actually you almost wished you were just dead, the pain would at least go away. Do you want to go back to that place?
WIP,
Excellent post!!!!
I don't have the urge to call my xMM, plus it's the longest I have gone NC with him in the 11 months I was in the A.
What keeps me strong is my xMM's VERY LAST words in his vm when he ended it.
1. He ended it thru a lousy vm, didn't even have the guts to tell me in person to my face. Which makes him a heartless coward!
2. He said in his vm that our little relation thing has "worn out" (like I was a t-shirt, that he used, and then literally dumped me in the gargabe) after ALL the risks I took for him, I even saved his M when I lied to his W's face when she found out about us.
3. He had the nerve to say that he doesn't will always "love" me. For someone to use the words "worn out" and "love" in the same sentence does not make any sense.
4. I know he never cared about me and doesn't miss me either. So why should I bother too?
5. What goes around, comes around!!!! TIMES THREE!
6. He said to me "before we get attached even more, it has to end". If he said he "loved" me wouldn't that be attached enough already? Which means, he NEVER loved me!
I like your line the BEST!
<>
Thanks ladies for all the support, good ideas and great advice. I especially like the idea about the list. I am going to start mine as soon as I get done typing this. I did call him....Calm down, calm down, I just left a vmail (does that count as breaking NC? I sure don't want to have to start over!). I am the type of person that needs closure, I need things tied up in a little box with a pink ribbon on top. Here is exactly what I said,
"Hey, it's me. I got your message and by the way it was kind of nasty.......I guess I have been avoiding you a little bit..... I have been waiting for you to decide what you want, but in reality you have already made your decision. When you go home to her at night, you are choosing her. When you spend your days off with her and not me, you are choosing to be with her. I deserve more, I deserve someone that wants to be with me. You have made your choice and so I give up. I can't be your distraction on the side anymore. Please don't call me anymore."
I made it through without crying although I think my voice was choked up a little bit at the end. I am not sure if he will still call or not. I will not answer my cell if he calls it. What sucks is my work phone doesn't have caller ID (imagine that, I work for a company in the top 10 of the Forune 500 and yet I don't have caller ID and I am a manager!) but if he does call I will hang up when I hear his voice. Actually, before I hang up I will say, "Are you divorced yet? nope, then goodbye!" I am resolved to get some of my respect and dignity back. Thanks again for everything. You gals are great!
{{{{{{{{Porcelain}}}}}}}}}{{{{{{{{{Ivy}}}}}}}}}}{{{{{{{Apparently}}}}}}}}}
This is a terrific thread of posts. I hope each one of you take the time to feel good about where you are in all of this now. Take these moments of clarity and recognize how awful it would be to still be in the fog and back a few months. You should be proud of the fact that you've taken time, and had the intelligence to seek help and answers...even when sometimes they were hard to hear. Sometimes things happen that force us to but it doesn't matter how you get here as long as you've been responsible to start implimenting and acting on improvement and what you truly deserve.
I just wanted to take a moment and say....that I hope you are proud of yourselves and I hope that the pride can sustain you when it gets sad. (lean on that when it gets hard) I promise it really can't get worse...only better. I can't promise you will wake up tomorrow and feel better but you will get better...at feeling better. KWIM?
And yes PG, I agree...Apparently needs to change her sn. =)
Excellent posts you guys,
Lizzie
AS,
Making any contact with our xMM's, whether you talk to them or not, does consider breaking NC. No big deal though, just try not to do it again (easier said, than done).
Try to stay strong! Believe me, I never thought I can go past 5 days of NC and here I am 13 days later and still keeping it up.
What I really regret from my A is risking my entire life for an xMM who NEVER cared about me. I mean, not that it would have made a difference if he did, but maybe I could have handled it better if he at least cared about me as much as I cared about him, but the way he ended it pretty much said it all, that he USED me and got bored in the end.
No xMM is worth the risk!!!!
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