1 Year+ Later, I Just Can't Shake It
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|Fri, 01-04-2013 - 8:21pm|
Hi everybody. Happy new year!
I used to post pretty regularly here on-and-off over the last 2-3 years. Long story short, I was in an intense (aren't they all) EA/PA with a man I worked with (me: married, him: married, kids). Lasted about 3 years. We said ILU, flirted with the idea of leaving our spouses, etc. Of course, it never happened, and I became deeply, disturbingly depressed, ended up quitting my job so I wouldn't have to see him all the time and took a job across the country.
Officially, I've been NC for over a year...yay! Not sure what that makes me...a tweener? A vet? And while I've progressed leaps and bounds from where I was when I ended it—sometimes I even think I'm over him—lately, I've really regressed emotionally, and I'm struggling to get through every single day without crumbling and emailing him.
He has emailed me many times since I've been gone, texted/called, sent a letter. I haven't responded. He says that even after a year, it still hurts him constantly every day, wants me back, etc. I know if I were to respond and ask him in what capacity he wants me back--ie, has he left his wife? (I know he hasn't) Does he want a legitimate relationship?--he wouldn't be able to give me any answers or specifics, he never could. So, deep down, I think I know that he's still probably the same old JAM he always was. But the problem is, I feel the same way that he claims to. It's been 14 months since I've seen/talked to him. We've passed personal milestones I've observed silently from afar, yearning that I could wish him "whatever" the occasion is. I still can't bring myself to want my sweet, loving DH, because I STILL can't get xAP out of my head. He's always right in front of my eyes. I miss what we had terribly, even though it was destructive.
I guess I'm just resurfacing for a little support, and to ask: How long does it really take to really let go? Why is taking so long? Is there any chance I'm still holding on because there WAS the promise of something more, or am I forcing myself to hang on because I'm an addict and still want the fix? I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts.
Wishing everyone well,
xo Silver Doe