11 months later
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|Sat, 08-09-2014 - 10:46am|
My story 11 months later, first time telling anyone.
We worked together both married with kids (20+yrs for him 17 yrs for me), became friends for a few years, nothing out of the ordinary, just two co workers, went to lunch with other co workers, I brought my daughter to one luncheon. Circumstances brought us closer together at work, started depending on each other, trusted each other, I confided my problems with my husband, our marriage was rocky, nothing in common, living like roommates, no passion, didn't do anything together. My friend became my main support, he listened, encouraged and gave ideas to improve my marriage, his marriage was solid, he talked to me about his kids and their personalities and I gave him advice on them, he rarely talked about his wife and when he did it was good. He told me that he had a lot of issues still from trauma in his childhood and that he is still depressed from it and only pretend to be happy, told me I made him happy. We became very dependent on each other, I started looking forward to going to work everyday just so I can see him and talk to him. He made me feel special, smart, beautiful and alive. I had been numb for so long and it was so nice to feel those things. We had both been faithful to our spouses during our marriage and even talked about how wrong infidelity was.
We got closer and closer, started texting, talking on the phone, going for walks, I noticed he started looking at me different, we started flirting, and one day I told him how much he meant to me and he told me the same but we agreed it was just a deep friendship. It was kind of awkward after that, something changed and we both felt it, there was an attraction, it turned physical. he told me he loved me and I loved him back, never made any promises, told me he would never hurt his wife, he felt a lot of guilt because there was nothing wrong in his marriage, I told him I can handle it, rationalized it and told him no one will get hurt, I had my guilt feelings too but he made me feel so good, I felt desirable and attractive, sexy, I hadn't felt that in years. But I wanted more and he didn't, I tried to break it off a few times but he convinced me we can be friends, encouraged me to work on my marriage but as soon as we tried being just friends, that attraction was there, he would tell me sweet things, give me mixed messages, tell me if we lived In a world where we can do what we want that he would be with me every night. on one hand tell me to work on my marriage then he would flirt and we would slip into the physical and the whole cycle would start again, it was an emotional roller coaster. Our physical affair lasted 4 months. Then one day he was laid off from work (not for anything he did wrong, they eliminated positions and his was one of them) I was devastated, he was my rock. Things had been getting bad at work and a bunch of my friends were already laid off, that's part of what brought us closer, anyway it hit me hard when they let him go, he promised me we would be friends forever. He was worried about me, asked people to check on me, we talked on the phone and texted, and two weeks later we met for coffee, it was so good to see him, he seemed so happy to see me, the attraction was there, we hugged. Then the next day he told me the guilt was eating him up, that he loved being with me but didn't believe that we could just be friends, but he wouldn't end it, kept telling me to decide, but he had already decided and I told him that I wanted him to be happy and if that's what it takes then no contact, he said he couldn't give me what I wanted but he cared for me, I was shocked, felt my whole world closing in, felt betrayed, used and unloved, probably one of the worst days of my life. Went through days of not wanting to live, couldn't understand why, how could you mean so much one day then just be tossed aside, I felt so rejected felt stupid for opening my heart and soul to him for loving him so much, he texted me 10 days later to check on me, I was cold to him, didn't really reply but one word answers, the pain was so raw, the next days I tried to act normal around my family, but they could tell I was so sad, it was eating me up, couldn't make sense out of it, what was the purpose of it? I had never hurt so much, and I felt guilt and shame and on top of it all was my marriage that was purely for connivence , I love my husband but like a family member, a brother, no passion, we don't connect, we disagree on everything. When I bring that up to him, he tells me he loves me and we can work on it but nothing really changes.
It's been 11 months since NC, I've blocked him on social networks deleted his number. Not a day has gone by without thinking about him, sometimes loving and I admire him for ending it, other times sad and angry. I've been online, reading all the boards, never told a soul, and that's whats made it harder, feel like I need closure but I know that has to come from within, I'm not there yet, can't let go, it was real for me, my love was real. Still hurt 11 months later, but not as raw, don't think about him as much, trying to figure out what to do in my marriage, trying to heal.
Sorry this is so long, had to get it out.