11 months later

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2014
11 months later
5
Sat, 08-09-2014 - 10:46am

My story 11 months later, first time telling anyone.

We worked together both married with kids (20+yrs for him 17 yrs for me), became friends for a few years, nothing out of the ordinary, just two co workers, went to lunch with other co workers, I brought my daughter to one luncheon. Circumstances brought us closer together at work, started depending on each other, trusted each other, I confided my problems with my husband, our marriage was rocky, nothing in common, living like roommates, no passion, didn't do anything together. My friend became my main support, he listened, encouraged and gave ideas to improve my marriage, his marriage was solid, he talked to me about his kids and their personalities and I gave him advice on them, he rarely talked about his wife and when he did it was good. He told me that he had a lot of issues still from trauma in his childhood and that he is still depressed  from it and only pretend to be happy, told me I made him happy. We became very dependent on each other, I started looking forward to going to work everyday just so I can see him and talk to him. He made me feel special, smart, beautiful and alive. I had been numb for so long and it was so nice to feel those things.  We had both been faithful to our spouses during our marriage and even talked about how wrong infidelity was.  

We got closer and closer, started texting, talking on the phone, going for walks, I noticed he started looking at me different, we started flirting, and one day I told him how much he meant to me and he told me the same but we agreed it was just a deep friendship.  It was kind of awkward after that, something changed and we both felt it, there was an attraction, it turned physical. he told me he loved me and I loved him back, never made any promises, told me he would never hurt his wife, he felt a lot of guilt because there was nothing wrong in his marriage, I told him I can handle it, rationalized it and told him no one will get hurt, I had my guilt feelings too but he made me feel so good, I felt desirable and attractive, sexy, I hadn't felt that in years.  But I wanted more and he didn't, I tried to break it off a few times but he convinced me we can be friends, encouraged me to work on my marriage but as soon as we tried being just friends, that attraction was there, he would tell me sweet things, give me mixed messages, tell me if we lived In a world where we can do what we want that he would be with me every night.  on one hand tell me to work on my marriage then he would flirt and we would slip into the physical and the whole cycle would start again, it was an emotional roller coaster. Our physical affair lasted 4 months. Then one day he was laid off from work (not for anything he did wrong, they eliminated  positions and his was one of them) I was devastated, he was my rock. Things had been getting bad at work and a bunch of my friends were already laid off, that's part of what brought us closer, anyway it hit me hard when they let him go, he promised me we would be friends forever. He was worried about me, asked people to check on me, we talked on the phone and texted, and two weeks later we met for coffee, it was so good to see him, he seemed so happy to see me, the attraction was there, we hugged. Then the next day he told me the guilt was eating him up, that he loved being with me but didn't believe that we could just be friends, but he wouldn't end it, kept telling me to decide, but he had already decided and I told him that I wanted him to be happy and if that's what it takes then no contact, he said he couldn't give me what I wanted but he cared for me, I was shocked, felt my whole world closing in, felt betrayed, used and unloved, probably one of the worst days of my life. Went through days of not wanting to live, couldn't understand why, how could you mean so much one day then just be tossed aside, I felt so rejected felt stupid for opening my heart and soul to him for loving him so much,  he texted me 10 days later to check on me,  I was cold to him, didn't really reply but one word answers, the pain was so raw,  the next days I tried to act normal around my family, but they could tell I was so sad, it was eating me up, couldn't make sense out of it, what was the purpose of it? I had never hurt so much, and I felt guilt and shame and on top of it all was my marriage that was purely for connivence , I love my husband but like a family member, a brother, no passion, we don't connect, we disagree on everything. When I bring that up to him, he tells me he loves me and we can work on it but nothing really changes. 

It's been 11 months since NC, I've blocked him on social networks deleted his number. Not a day has gone by without thinking about him, sometimes loving and I admire him for ending it, other times sad and angry. I've been online, reading all the boards, never told a soul, and that's whats made it harder, feel like I need closure but I know that has to come from within, I'm not there yet, can't let go, it was real for me, my love was real. Still hurt 11 months later, but not as raw, don't think about him as much, trying to figure out what to do in my marriage, trying to heal. 

Sorry this is so long, had to get it out.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sat, 08-09-2014 - 2:50pm

Welcome to EAS, Survived

Don't apologize for sharing your story..doing so can be very cathartic. 

Your story is really no different than most...just different circumstances. Two people who crossed the line, disrespecting themselves and their vows and mistakeningly labelling it love to justify it all.

Please refer to the thread in our Healing Library on Authentic Love vs. Affair Love for a whole new perspective on that.

Kudos to you for having the strength and wisdom for staying NC. And as you can see, time and distance are working their magic in helping you heal.

Please read as much as you can here...in the Healing Library as well as threads to other posters in this top section. And don't be shy about posting in to others to support them as well.

I appreciated that you posted in to share your experience and to assure others that NC is the only way to put an affair behind us once and for all...that the time and distance out NC affords us will help to lessen the pain and help us heal.

Keep posting in whenever you need to talk things out or just for support.

Clarity 

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2014
Sat, 08-09-2014 - 4:04pm

Thanks Clarity! It does feel good writing it out and seeing it is just  an experience that many have gone through and survived and not some great love story that I thought it was. I lhave read the post you recommended in the healing library and it does put a new perspective  on things. I've been reading a lot,  that's what's helping get through this.  No contact is hard, I've had days where I found myself trying to rationalize  a reason for contact (birthday, closure, ect) then I come here, read other experiences and see things more clearly.  Like I said it hurts, but the fog is lifting.  Thank you for your suport clarity!

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sat, 08-09-2014 - 4:56pm

I hope you are giving yourself a big ol' pat on the back when you survive the trigger dates. Birthdays, anniversaries, I ran into so and so, I heard our song, the weather's particular nice and reminds me of...

They can be tough and our junkie minds are good at justifying any reason to make contact. Good for you for coming here to fortify yourself and gain resolve. It's good to create a new memory on a particular anniversary so next time around it's easier.

Thinking it through is what you are doing as well...all the way to the logical conclusion - that no good will come from it. That's big!

Stay the course, and you can't go wrong.

((hugs))

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Thu, 08-21-2014 - 3:34pm
I can feel your pain through reading your post and I know from experience how much you are hurting. Lets look at the positive things that came from this. This was a blessing in disguise. He was someone that was in your life for a little while and learned a very valuable lesson. He showed you how to love again, how to feel love and to use that love in every aspect of your life. He seems like a good man that had good intentions but became caught up. He did what was best for his marriage and yours. You can't heal what's going on inside you and your marriage while he's in the picture. Look at the memories with him and smile at the impact he had. Most people would see this affair as something bad but it is forcing you to look within and to fix what is going on at home. Thank him for his friendship when you think of him and know that he served his purpose in your life. Wishing you all the best!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2014
Sat, 10-11-2014 - 10:40pm

Thank you for those words, been really having a rough time, trying to make sense of it all, can't forget or let go, still hurting, thanks for taking the time to read my story and respond. No matter how much I try some days are so hard, feel like giving up sometimes.  Seems like I will never get over this.