11 weeks today
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| Thu, 07-01-2010 - 10:23pm |
Hello my friends,
Well, here I am, still counting.
Actually, I am doing pretty well. No desire to contact him. He certainly hasn't made any effort to contact me. I'm still spending a lot of quality time with my kids, and next week I'm taking another vacation... this time, just me and H, to celebrate our anniversary.
So, tonight as I reflect on all that has happened in the last 6 months, I can't help but wonder, does xAP count too? Does he know how many weeks it's been since we've talked? Since we've seen each other? Since the day he left back in November and told me that it's not over and he'd be back?
It all seems so surreal. Sometimes I wonder if I just didn't dream the whole 4 years. Did I really do that? Did I really have an A? Did I really allow myself to get emotionally attached to someone else?
Things with H have been going pretty good. You know, we never had a D-day, although I'm sure he suspected something was going on. I am trying so hard to forget all about xAP and focus solely on my marriage and my kids.
I know, I'm rambling. It just seems like... every Thursday... I think WOW, it's been (x number of) weeks now. No contact. No nothing. It's just, over... almost as if it never even existed, except for in my dreams.
Thanks for all the support, for allowing me to post on this board. I don't think I would have gotten this far if not for you all.
-Angel

It all seems so surreal. Sometimes I wonder if I just didn't dream the whole 4 years. Did I really do that? Did I really have an A? Did I really allow myself to get emotionally attached to someone else?
I feel that way too.
Congrats to you Angel. 11 weeks is a HUGE accomplishment. I know how you feel when you say it's surreal. My whole concept of time has shifted since I ended my A. It's like I've been reborn and I am only 155 days old. However, reflecting back, I’ve used up a lot of time… 30 years, 9 months and some odd days. And what have I done? A lot? Perhaps. A little? Maybe. Nothing, quite possible. I feel insignificant at times. I have wasted so much time. It’s gone so quickly, yet thinking back, it’s been a lifetime; my lifetime; all I have to measure time against; an eternity. And of all the minutes, hours, weeks, and months of my life, none have been more significant than the past 155 days. Each second of the past 155 days has been impactful. I’ve done more self reflecting and growing than I have ever done before. I’ve been painfully aware for every moment. I can’t comprehend this passage of time. I can’t measure it like I’ve measured time in the past. It’s been only 155 days, a mere fraction of the time I’ve been me, and yet, each day has passed more quickly and at the same time more slowly, than any other day I’ve lived before. It seems like yesterday, yet it seems like a million years ago.
So, yeah, I totally get how you are feeling. I can only hope, as I put more days between myself and the A, that the idea that I was even engaged in one will become more and more surreal- and that my real life will become more and more real again.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
thank you for your post fallen angel. it gives me hope that rebuilding is possible. i think we dissociate ourselves a bit from the A because its so hard to wrap your head around it. nobody plans to have an A when they get married (well, most people dont at least). and even while you're doing it, you're always a bit surprised at yourself. rebuilding feels so much more natural, doesn't it?
keep doing what you're doing , congratulations on your strength and perseverence :)
Congrats on those 11 weeks. Terrific job, FA. I, and many others, know that the first couple of months can knock the wind out of us, but just keep breathing...and it will continue to get easier and easier.
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I hear you on this one. I used to feel that way for a long time,
~Iddy~
Thank you so much ladies. Your responses mean more to me than you'll ever know.
I'm having a good day today. Excited about the three-day weekend! H is out of town (as usual) but I'm taking the kids to a cookout tonight. It's interesting how during the A, I wasn't social at all. I hated neighborhood functions because all I could do was think about xAP. I kept my phone in my hand at all times in case he called. Now, I can go to a cook out, relax, and enjoy some social time.
So, just like GMLB and others posted yesterday in a separate thread, I am celebrating INDEPENDENCE DAY this weekend, with a whole new respect for the word! As much as I still think about xAP, I also feel a sense of freedom that I didn't have for almost 4 years of my life.
Hope you all are feeling the same sense of freedom this weekend.
much love!
-Angel