15 months on and a new username
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|Wed, 09-05-2012 - 4:55pm|
Mainly because I forgot my bleeding password...sheesh...It's Miss Lulu here!
I figured I'd change it to reflect who I am now, and Happylulu sounded just fine :-)
I am sorry I've been away from the boards so long, and I was utterly shocked to hear the news about darling Iddy. It left me reeling for weeks, to be honest. What a wonderful person she was and the influence she had in my life - well, I could never articulate it because words wouldn't be enough. I know she'll be so sadly missed around here.
Clarity - you're our Team Leader now! Wicked! And a very capable CL you will be too.
I hadn't posted much because I sort of felt I was going round a bit in circles and to be honest, by focusing on my feelings about NIFF (North Island F*** Face, the XAP) I was actually giving him and the relationship more value and credit than it was worth.
So now it's been 15 months since I made the decision to walk away from a dead-end 4 and a half year A.
Where am I now? Well...my life just looks so different than it did all those months ago when I came on here crying and sobbing and begging someone to save me from this God-awful, bone-deep misery.
I am so much more at peace with myself now, and I honestly - hand on heart - don't miss him in the least. I still think about him, probably every day, but now it's combined with an offering of prayers up to the good Lord above that I no longer have to put up with his boring tomes, his appalling taste in clothes (remember - he wears CROCS!) , his self-centred blabbing about how amazing he is, his W's new business and how well she's doing, his amazing kids...blah blah blah...nodding off...
I seriously wonder whether some sort of alien being inhabited my body for that period of time, as a social experiment. Let's take one happy girl and see if we can turn her into a blithering idiot who doubts her own sanity.
Anyway, for those of you just starting down this road...I know absolutely the pain. I have owned it too. And yet I now know something so much better, so much more fulfilling - I know a sense of peace and freedom.
Nobody is ever going to take that away from me again. I have lived the alternative, and I am never going back.
You don't think you will ever get there. You think you've met the love of your life. You think he is your soulmate. You think you will physically waste away if you don't have contact with him. You think God has determined that the two of you can overcome all obstacles to be together. Your body feels like it is being ripped apart when you think of No Contact with him.
I so understand, and yet I perservered and waded through the mud and lived the days and nights of agony and made pacts with myself and the devil, and eventually I came out of the swirling murky mist to a place of sunshine and warmth and love and peace.
You can too. I promise you you can.
To all my lovely friends who lifted me up when I was lying on the ground, broken - you are forever in my heart. Bonded by a common grief, I won't ever forget what you all did for me.
I hope this finds you in a happy place too.
Miss Happy Lulu