Welcome to EAS :) You've found the right place for support and words of wisdom.
Like you, I was in a relatively long-term A, compared to most people here. Mine was 7.5 long, hellish years. I'm glad you have had your revelation! 14 years is a long time to live a double life.
You stated your case: “I can’t do this anymore, I’m done, I’m tired of all the drama and all the mood swings, I’ve had my fill and I’m done! I cannot and will not continue down this path with you any longer.”
Nothing more needs to be said. You are doing the right thing by maintaining NC. Don't respond to his texts in any way. If you can, block him from your phone so you don't even get them. If you can't block, delete the texts before you even read them. My XAP responded with anger at first too. I had 5 voice mails one morning when I turned my phone on. I listened to 1.5 of them, and realized they were getting increasingly worse. His anger was actually scaring me. I hit the delete button without hearing another word.
You are both reacting right now to the addiction part of the A. He is lashing out in anger. You are feeling miserable. Read all you can here - especially in the Healing Library. There are so many amazing stories there, as well as ideas to help you get through the withdrawal you are feeling right now. You can do this. You deserve an honest, full, real life. :)
I would like to welcome you to Endings and also congratulate you on coming to your senses, even if it's 14-15 years in the making. ;-) It's only normal to be thinking of him when you are not busy because you have been doing this for the last 15 years. I am sure he was in your every thought and just because we end a relationship does not mean our brains purge and clear itself from thinking of this person.
Living the double life - all of us have done it. I think for those of us that put in more "time", the way of life during the A becomes almost normal. Normal for me 8 weeks ago was the morning phone call to XAP when I got to work. It was waiting for him to call or call me back when he had time during the day. It was him coming to my office on Fridays at 5:00 for an hour and making love to me on the floor before going home to his W.
Everything that we put up with and endure while being the other woman becomes our way of life. We start to accept it. We start to feel that we aren't worth more. Then something sparks, and we suddenly see that we ARE worth it. And we DON'T accept it. And for us lucky ones, we find EAS. Reading here is so helpful, but I think you'll find that reaching out to others, helping them with your experiences is just as important and cathartic.
Iddy is so right - going back on your word now would just show JAM that you don't mean business. And you do this time - you already have 3 days of the NEXT 15 years of your life back.
Welcome and congrats on taking such a big step. I am so in awe of your strength; my A was only 8 months and I'm fallin' apart over here!
15 years is a long time, but it's not "strange". Nothing is "strange" for affairs, because the very nature of an affair is that all bets are off and all boundaries are crossed. But, this will be a difficult road for you. As Bodhi said, you've been carrying on two lives for so long, it's simply become habit. At some point, we get comfortable being uncomfortable. A known enemy is better than an unknown friend. Insert cliche here, you get the point. You've been doing this for a very long time, so it is time to do some un-learning. I think that as you go through this process you will become very liberated.
You really need to focus on yourself now. It may seem counterintuitive, to do something good for yourself when you're so racked with guilt, but part of what allows an A to perpetuate is a diminished sense of self worth. So, now is going to be about rebuilding yourself, and recreating a life without the duplicity and drama. I know it will all be worth it.
On a practical note, you mentinoed that at work you are busy and distracted. I am a firm believer in distraction, particularly at first. This may be an excellent time to take up a hobby you have always been interested in, take a class, join a book club, whatever. Bring something new and positive into your world, it will add to the distraction and remind you how to engage in experiences that enhance your life.
Keep posting here, particularly now. You will probably be surprised at how much we here have in common with you, and I know it's been wonderful for me to meet other women who have been down this road. It's such a private pain we carry with us, when we're in As (I mean its not something you just bring up with your friends at dinner), so having a support network is invaluable. Don't be discouraged if you have the urge to contact him, if you miss him, if you think of him---this is all normal. just stick to no contact as best as you can, and come to us for support. we are all rooting for you :)
Welcome to EAS. As the others have said, you came to the right place. If I had not found EAS, I am certain that I would have fell victim to my own shortcomings and rushed back into the A everytime it was so hard to stay away. But, the ladies and gents here who have walked in our shoes have some good, solid advice. As Iddy mentioned, read everything in the Healing Library. It is like a warm hot bath for your heart and will help you understand the emotions you will face as you move forward on this journey. 15 years is a long time, but as we've all come to understand, all A's have an expiration date. You will hurt, but you will be okay as long as you dedicate yourself to your recovery. Self protect immediately. Block his email, his phone, his IM's and texts, or whatever. Do whatever you can do make a clean break and start anew.
Welcome to EAS :) You've found the right place for support and words of wisdom.
Like you, I was in a relatively long-term A, compared to most people here. Mine was 7.5 long, hellish years. I'm glad you have had your revelation! 14 years is a long time to live a double life.
You stated your case: “I can’t do this anymore, I’m done, I’m tired of all the drama and all the mood swings, I’ve had my fill and I’m done! I cannot and will not continue down this path with you any longer.”
Nothing more needs to be said. You are doing the right thing by maintaining NC. Don't respond to his texts in any way. If you can, block him from your phone so you don't even get them. If you can't block, delete the texts before you even read them. My XAP responded with anger at first too. I had 5 voice mails one morning when I turned my phone on. I listened to 1.5 of them, and realized they were getting increasingly worse. His anger was actually scaring me. I hit the delete button without hearing another word.
You are both reacting right now to the addiction part of the A. He is lashing out in anger. You are feeling miserable. Read all you can here - especially in the Healing Library. There are so many amazing stories there, as well as ideas to help you get through the withdrawal you are feeling right now. You can do this. You deserve an honest, full, real life. :)
Bodhi
Dear MEL,
I would like to welcome you to Endings and also congratulate you on coming to your senses, even if it's 14-15 years in the making. ;-) It's only normal to be thinking of him when you are not busy because you have been doing this for the last 15 years. I am sure he was in your every thought and just because we end a relationship does not mean our brains purge and clear itself from thinking of this person.
~Iddy~
Bodhi,
Thank you so much! I've been reading the post on here and just thought it was time to post something myself and let myself
Mel -
Living the double life - all of us have done it. I think for those of us that put in more "time", the way of life during the A becomes almost normal. Normal for me 8 weeks ago was the morning phone call to XAP when I got to work. It was waiting for him to call or call me back when he had time during the day. It was him coming to my office on Fridays at 5:00 for an hour and making love to me on the floor before going home to his W.
Everything that we put up with and endure while being the other woman becomes our way of life. We start to accept it. We start to feel that we aren't worth more. Then something sparks, and we suddenly see that we ARE worth it. And we DON'T accept it. And for us lucky ones, we find EAS. Reading here is so helpful, but I think you'll find that reaching out to others, helping them with your experiences is just as important and cathartic.
Iddy is so right - going back on your word now would just show JAM that you don't mean business. And you do this time - you already have 3 days of the NEXT 15 years of your life back.
Bodhi :)
Hi Mel,
Welcome and congrats on taking such a big step. I am so in awe of your strength; my A was only 8 months and I'm fallin' apart over here!
15 years is a long time, but it's not "strange". Nothing is "strange" for affairs, because the very nature of an affair is that all bets are off and all boundaries are crossed. But, this will be a difficult road for you. As Bodhi said, you've been carrying on two lives for so long, it's simply become habit. At some point, we get comfortable being uncomfortable. A known enemy is better than an unknown friend. Insert cliche here, you get the point. You've been doing this for a very long time, so it is time to do some un-learning. I think that as you go through this process you will become very liberated.
You really need to focus on yourself now. It may seem counterintuitive, to do something good for yourself when you're so racked with guilt, but part of what allows an A to perpetuate is a diminished sense of self worth. So, now is going to be about rebuilding yourself, and recreating a life without the duplicity and drama. I know it will all be worth it.
On a practical note, you mentinoed that at work you are busy and distracted. I am a firm believer in distraction, particularly at first. This may be an excellent time to take up a hobby you have always been interested in, take a class, join a book club, whatever. Bring something new and positive into your world, it will add to the distraction and remind you how to engage in experiences that enhance your life.
Keep posting here, particularly now. You will probably be surprised at how much we here have in common with you, and I know it's been wonderful for me to meet other women who have been down this road. It's such a private pain we carry with us, when we're in As (I mean its not something you just bring up with your friends at dinner), so having a support network is invaluable. Don't be discouraged if you have the urge to contact him, if you miss him, if you think of him---this is all normal. just stick to no contact as best as you can, and come to us for support. we are all rooting for you :)
MEL
Welcome........my heart broke into a thousand pieces.... now it is maybe in 100 pieces ;) (thats after only a 15 mo affair) ----so keep on going....
How to fill the void?
Goals --- set yourself LOTS of them,
New Choices, New Chapter,
New Challenges,
Welcome to EAS. As the others have said, you came to the right place. If I had not found EAS, I am certain that I would have fell victim to my own shortcomings and rushed back into the A everytime it was so hard to stay away. But, the ladies and gents here who have walked in our shoes have some good, solid advice. As Iddy mentioned, read everything in the Healing Library. It is like a warm hot bath for your heart and will help you understand the emotions you will face as you move forward on this journey. 15 years is a long time, but as we've all come to understand, all A's have an expiration date. You will hurt, but you will be okay as long as you dedicate yourself to your recovery. Self protect immediately. Block his email, his phone, his IM's and texts, or whatever. Do whatever you can do make a clean break and start anew.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/