16 month affair ended (Long, very long, sorry)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2014
16 month affair ended (Long, very long, sorry)
13
Thu, 08-07-2014 - 4:21pm

Hello

This is a long story but I try to compress it the best I can. I moved to my current residence with my ex partner A, in 2008 whom I wasn't married to but we had been partners for 16 years when that ended in 2012. We worked at the same place too. Sometime in late 2010 I noticed a woman at work that I didn't even recall seeing before. That was the beginning of the end of my life as I known it before. I was more and more intruiged by her, let's call her J and felt more and more confused. Later she became friends with my ex A and they worked together daily. Soon I learned from casual conversation with A that J was married, kid, once divorced, etc, etc. J was actually ONE DAY older than A, a nice coincidence. My feelings for J were getting more and more serious as I found myself becoming more and more depressed which I also had to hide from A at home. I frantically searched the internet for advices on how to deal with and end an obession and infatuation with someone who is totally off limits, but I never found anything that helped. In time J and I started to have little talks as between a guy and his girlfriend's friend would. But I could see a certain little subtle flirtation. At one point I recieved a text from A and not realizing it was a group text I replied, so J texted me asking who I was. I told her who I was know having a clue who she was but soon I figured it and so I had her number, and she had mine. on Feb. 23d, 2011, and I remember that day forever, I finally reached my breaking point and on the way home from work I started crying real hard and that's when I knew I was madly in love with J I tried everything, I snubbed her at work, I didn't look at her for months, and tried to avoid her but nothing helped. Almost every waking minutes I spent thinking about her, wondering what she could be doing, and everything about her. She kept the little flirting and when I snubbed her she would just keep looking at me so I always gave in and ended up speaking with her again. Finally on Holloween 2011, it was friday, I got home and A wasn't home yet and I started crying again, which I did and still do a lot, especially for a guy. So I had a shot or two of Vodka and I texted her and told her I had a huge crush on her. Of course she rejected it, telling me that hopefully that was a joke because A was her "best friend". Nevertheless J and I kept emailing and at that time texting would've been a dead giveaway if J's husband or mye ex were to actually look at our phone bills. This went on for months and I told J I loved her deeply. She rejected it all, told me I love A and she loves her husband, but we kept emailing. Finally the guilt was so intense that I decided I had to tell A, and maybe I was hoping someohow we could work it out and I can end my misery. Unfortunately that didn't work out, A got really upset, she didn't want to understand my feelings (which I can't blame her for) and we started on a path that would destroy our 16 year long relationship. At that point I knew I didn't love A, I loved J. Of course, I hated myself and still do for that alone. I care about A and yes I cry for her too, 16 years is a long time with someone and I felt comfortable with A on my side. Anyway, A decided to forgive me, I went to see a therapyst to "cure" myself and started taking Effexor for my depression. After a few sessions I ended the therapy becasue she didn't offer a lot of help, at one point my therapyst actually told me I should feel blessed becasue only a few people experience pure love like I had for J, based on the way I described J and talked about her to the therapyst. Thanks for nothing. J and I continued emailing, until a couple of months ago A got me doing it redhanded. She told me she hated me and she could never trust me again and that she would move out of state in August that year (2012). And I let her. First of  all I knew I could beg her for a week she would not had changed her mind, and most of all I knew it wasn't fair to her what I did, and she deserved much much better than me. Meanwhile J also told me we were over (at that point all we did was email and text) and because A texted J and wanted to meet her the day I got caught emailing, J's husband also learned of my interest I had in his wife. He doesn't know me and never met but he knows my name. Well after everything blew up in my face, and J told me to get lost, two days later I bought a 9mm for the sole purpose to end my dejection and stop hurting other people. 

So A moved out and I was left on my own. Really I was just going through the days and weeks and months mindlessly. Finally in December that year I emailed J at work and exchanged a few emails but nothing else. Then later I emailed J at her private email once a week. One of those emails were a little romantic poem (if I could call that) that I wrote at work onde day and it had some erotic twist in it. The next week, J didn't reply so I asked her if she wanted me to stop with the emails, she said yes, it sucked but I did as she wished and never emailed her again. At worke, I also stayed away from her never even looking at her.

Then a month or two later J emailed me at work, for actually business related reply which I did, but never once I even looked at her. Then she emailed again, and slowly we started the emails again. First I promised her I wouldn't mention anything about my feelings about her and I didn't. Mostly they were just friendly emails. 

Then one day she surprised me with a something that had a strong sexual theme, and we started to be naughty with the emails, that ended up with conversations about full blown sexual acts and desires we had for each other. Of course I loved the attention and so did she. She started to tell me about her husband being a drinker, always getting drunk and ignoring her or when they were going someowhere he'd end up being a drunk fool. Then other stuff, he didn't comfort her when her parents died etc etc. That was a surprise because I always thought she had a good marriage.

Then later at work she would come to my cube when no one was around and gave me hugs first then later kisses, OMG. Finally a couple of months later in April last year J showed up at my house and we just couldn't keep our hands off of each other. It was and it will always be a the happiest day of my life. I was totally blown away and left mesmerized. The next day I went to see Oblivion. I liked it and I already had the soundtrack because M83 is one of my favorite bands, so after I got home from the movie I was listening to the soundtrack and I overcame with such a joy that I broke down and I cried heavily for at least 20 minutes straight. Then when I stopped I relaized I was crying because I knew I was heading head first into a brick wall and when I reach it and the affair ends I will have nothing to fall back to, so made a deal with myself if that comes I will finally put that gun into use for which it was intended for. J and I kept seeing each other once a month and each time our encounter was more and more wonderful. We texted each other maybe a hundred times a day, and she called me every chance she had. She brought me her computer to work on it and I did and I put more RAM in it to make it faster. But she didn't take it back for a while and one day her husband asked (who at that time had to be fairly supsicious or something was afoot) where the computer was and J threw out my name. Well I did have it LOL. Few days later her husband threw her and her 16 year old son out of their house the middle of the night after some arguments they had. J packed some things and came to me and her sone stayed with her sister's. The next day her husband was trying to get her back in ther house but she told him no and brought more of her clothes and things to my house. She stayed with me for 42 wonderful days. We couldn't really go out together to other than the grocery store becasue the fear someone might sees us, from her part not mine. We made love every afternoon and every night, we ate together, watched movies, talked about things and I've never been happier in my life. She started to talk about divorce and even had some paperwork started for that. But soon she started to feel guilty because of her son was away so she moved out of my place and moved in with her sister to be with her son. That didn't really work out so sometime in Spetember they ended up moving back to their house and with her husband. We kept the calls and texts going and seemingly she had no intention to stop anything between us. She even told me that neither she or her husband wants to repair their marriage, but they had to repay their debts before they could get divorced. She kept seeing me, once or twice even drove her husbands truck to my place when he was out of town. When she moved back though I felt pretty angry and started to drink a lot meaning 5 times a week or more, which is a lot for me. We had frequently ended up text fighting and I did text things to her that I should have never texted probably. But we always made it up between us. That time I was very jealous and scared of losing her forever. Well that seemed to be just what happened. Gradually she started to telling me that she loved her husband again and she was feeling more and more guilty because of the affair so she wanted to end it but wanted to stay friends with me. I told her that might not work out for me, because of my feelings, not sure if I can be just casual friends, although I told her anything she needed and I could do it or give it to her, she would always get from me. So finally in may, she texted that the next day she could visit me but that could be the last time because of the guilt and all. I told her if she felt guilty, then we don't have to get intimate. But she said, yes she needed it. I found it a little odd, here she is teling me she loves her husband but she needed to be intimate with me. I really didn't understand that seemingly contradicting theory because ever since I relaized I loved J I would never even imagine sleeping with anyone else. 

Well that was the last time we were intimate. Later when I asked her about loving one person and wanting intimacy from another, how does that work. She told me that I took that encounter we had and turned it into something ugly and it was beautiful. those were her words. Later when I asked again she was more open and told me she loves sex (well I knew that) but her husband doesn't give it to her often enough. Soon after that she told me she had an increasingly hard time texting me at home and finally she ended up blocking my numbers. We still emailed once or twice, then she emailed me if I ever have any sexual content or email her something mean she would stop altogether. I didn't want to agravate the situation so I stopped emailing but I'd still run into her at work and we said hi to each other but I noticed she was being very cold. Where a couple of months ago that woman could never even walk by me without saying something or smiling at me or subtly touching my arm, now that was all gone. A week ago I asked her to give me one more time together, so I can have a closure. OK maybe not a best idea from my part. She actually agreed and told me to be patient and wait until it's possible.  Then a couple of days ago I asked her why she has been so cold to me. Well she laid it all out, my drunk texting for which I was guilty of. But then she started digging things up from over a year ago, telling me how this and that was an "eye opener". I did eveything for this woman, everything I could. She broke my heart numerous occasions when were discussing us, all thre of us. When I asked her why she even gave me little hints and hopes that she might leave him, she never asnwered or the best I got form her that "I'm sorry" Anyway I don't see anything I did a year ago as big defining eye opening moments because even 6 months ago I couldn't have walked away without her calling me or texting me. And I tried a couple of times but she always ended up contacting me, just like I did when she was trying to to the same. Finally yesterday she told me there won't be one more time and it's best for everyone (meaning her) if we just end it. 

Well sorry for the super long post, I cry a lot, and it hurts so much. Not the fact that we won't be intimate anymore, but the fact that she threw me away, she used me for spicing up her sex life, and now after all that we went through her husband finally relaized she might just walk and straightened himself out. I basically helped her getting her marriage back on track and I didn't even get a thank you. By the wah her husband does not know of the thing we had, if he did he'd divorce her, or so she told me. She threw a lot of crap in my face and made it sound like as I was an absolute monster, when in reality all I did was loved and still love this woman as long as I live. It was hard, the jealosy, knowing that I was just a backup, the dejection and sadness and depression that basically my life has been in the last three years. I'm tired, just want to go to sleep for a year. I'm glad I have that gun. Not saying I will ever use it because I have a few people that would be a little upset if I did, but for now I know I have a way out of this gloominess and worthlessness and hopelessness I feel.

Sorry for the novel, really this is only barely scratching the surface, there are more tales that make up the whole picture but I tried to compress it 

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Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Thu, 08-07-2014 - 7:56pm

Hi L

I hope you feel better getting that all out. You were right...it was very very long.  Long stories, short stories, long-time affair, short-time affairs, who said what, who pursued who, who lied to whom, who changed their mind...bottomline...they are all pretty much the same...just a variation on a theme...two people crossing the line, behaving badly and disrespecting themselves and each other and running roughshod over others.  

My suggestions to you are to seek help from a professional for your depression, which seems to be beyond the scope of non-professional support you can receive on a message board, get a handle on your drinking, which is just an extremely poor coping skill, and hand over the gun to a friend (who has a license to carry) for safe keeping 'til you do.

Accept that is over, be the one to make it stay over,  and do your best to keep it professional and businesslike at all times in the workplace. In this economy, no one can afford to lose their job because of shanigans in the office, or have to leave a job because they can't heal or deal with end because they can't go complete no-contact because of work. 

Clarity

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2014
Thu, 08-07-2014 - 9:06pm

Thank you for you kind words, it did make me feel better writing it all down for a little while. I guess I didn't know how to tell the story shorter and I wanted to demonstrate that this has been an ongoing turmoil for me for over three years now. What makes this hard is that this woman is not like others (I had two affairs before with married women when I was still single). She is the love of my life, there is no denying it. I guess I wanted that to come across so I had to start from the beginning. I already got a handle on the drinking, it's down to the weekends now and not nearly as much as before. For the depression I have been taking Effexor for over two years. It is a horrible medication as it's virtually impossible to get off of it without some serious withdrawal symptoms like suicidal tendencies after a few days or so. But I could never get to more than 2 days without it because after about 8 hours of missing my dose, I'd get very dizzy, agitated, and cry for no apparent reason and generally I just feel very sick so I have to go back to taking it again. I don't have much faith in psychologists as i had bad experience before. 

I'm always professional at work, I respect her space and never even try to discuss us. We don't work at the same area but I see her almost every day and lately I started to walk the longer way to the lucnh room if I want a bottle of water, so I will not harass her that's for sure. I will try to never even look at her general direction, because it makes me cry when I see her so cold to me.

thanks for listening

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Fri, 08-08-2014 - 1:03am

You're welcome.

I think sometimes when people act cold, it's the only way they know how in that situation to maintain distance and just get through the day. We don't know what's going on in her head, but I'm just saying...that might be what's going on...more self-preservation than being mean. That's the best approach particularly for those who's affair partner, or they themselves, are having difficulty accepting the end or when there's been so much off and on, it's time to take a serious no-nonsense approach. I understand how that can hurt. Unfortunately, it's necessary in order to get back to work. 

It's good you are making no eye contact and making it a point to take another route to avoid bumping into each other.  You, too, gotta do what you gotta do to make it through.

I know, too, this is very painful. You say you had two affairs in the past. There were lessons to be sought out and learned...apparently you did not seek them out to learn them. Many of us don't even realize this until they are up against it and forced  into the journey of self-discovery. And I truly believe that we will continue to attract people, places and things to teach us those lessons - and the pain experienced is equal to the urgency and the need to finally start figuring things out. I hope you take the time to reflect upon this. And if therapy didn't help you root out your issues that have you continually taking such a destructive paths, it would be in your best interest and for your own wellbeing to give it another shot.

I hope you read through our Healing Library to gain strength and determination to put this behind you. Believe me, many have walked in your shoes, learned to navigate the workplace (though some had to quit the job)...and moved onward and forward.

Keep posting in for support.

Clarity 

Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Fri, 08-08-2014 - 12:03pm
Do you think that you need to sit down with someone and discuss your problems with attaching really hard to unavailable women? You wrote that this is your third A with a MW. That's unusual. I believe that if you sit down with a good T and determine why you fall so hard for women who are committed/attached to someone else and not find someone who isn't attached that will be your answer to healing and moving on to a healthier person/relationship. Also you dated a woman for 16 years and never M her and left her for an unavailable woman who is M to someone else. That screams commitment-phobia. Often times we mirror the relationship we had with our parents when we get older, and if we learn to break that cycle we become much happier and healthier adults. The fact that you are suicidal a lot means that you need to seek professional help immediately. You should never be ready to kill yourself because one person exits your life. That is very unhealthy and not normal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2014
Fri, 08-08-2014 - 5:25pm

Thanks Myrasfriend.

No I don't have any issues with being attracted to unavailable women, the first two affairs were much shorter, I had no steady girlfriend or significant other and they were pretty long ago. And both cases I was seduced by married women, so I was not seeking out them myself. 

We weren't dating with my ex GF for 16 years, we both simply felt we didn't need a piece of paper telling us we were married, we both made commitment to one another, so I don't have that problem either. We moved in together after three months of seeing each other and I would still be with her if I didn't met the woman I fell in love with. I know these things are not apparent by simply posting a message in a forum. 

What makes this affair special, to me anyway is that I fell in love with this woman way before we had the affair and I always knew she was unattainable to me, When the opportunity for the affair surfaced, I KNEW that's not what I wanted from her, I would've and I would still give anything to be with her all the time and grow old with her and experience everything with her, I mean that. I have felt this way when I realized how much I loved her over two years ago, before the affair started. I guess I'm in the wrong forum, LOL, we did have the affair that's over now but for me the most painful aspect is that I lost the woman that I love so deeply and irrevocably that I know with all my heart it will absolutely never stop. The physical contact and emotional one as well that we had, made everything just so much worse for me. I know I'd have the same feelings for her if we didn't have the affair, I know I could've said no to her when she came to my place the first time. Because now all the swet memories of her, every second I spent with her, and everything I now know about her are no longer a blessing but a terrible curse for me. 

Yes, I know I need help

Thanks for reading.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Fri, 08-08-2014 - 7:26pm

L

The sooner you stop romancitizing the affair, the sooner you will heal from it.  As I mentioned before, it was two people behaving badly and disrespecting themselves and others. 

We can love many people in our lives; and depending upon our circumstances, some we can take into our fold and some we can't.  Married people are off limits...PERIOD. When we have a healthy sense of self and worth, we don't/won't go there.

And the sooner you start to hold yourself accountable, the sooner you will heal. Blaming your first two affairs on "I was seduced" falls flat here.  "No' was the appropriate response.  We all here coulda'/shoulda said 'no'. And we all have to figure out why we attracted this into our lives. What kind of vibes were we giving off sending the message to others that we were willing players. Or what voids in our life were we looking to fill. What were we trying to escape from. No more blaming people, places and things for our own indiscretions.

I don't say any of this to be mean or judgemental, I'm trying to make you see the reality of it all.

I promise you that over time and with some distance under your belt, the pain will subside, but you are going to make the process more difficult if you don't stop seeing it for what it really was...a cheap affair...with a married woman who was betraying her marriage, her spouse, her children, herself. Hardly lovable behavior.

Please take a moment and read this for a new perspective. 

http://beasaas.runboard.com/t462

Clarity


Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

Avatar for ratherbeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2010
Sat, 08-09-2014 - 7:07am

I have to agree both responders to your post. 

You need help. Professional help! 

Your post is filled with ideas that are not correct, and you are morphing them into what you think, you want them to be. You are the one thatt is completly without reasonable thought.

My observation of your prior relationship is that you were NOT committed to each other, and it didn't matter whether you had a marriage licence because you were moving on to fantasyland when you made the very first move with this woman J and thinking you were in love with her. She may very well be a match for you, but evidently there is a lot of women who would also be a match for you.

Slow down.

There is no one worth ending your life for.  Grow up and get some professional help.  Everyone around you will benifit from it.

True love is a long way from an affair.  Your's certainly seems one sided and is a disaster.  Why would anyone want to be in a one sided affair, miserable, with the feeling that there is no where left to go? In any sense of discussion, does this sound like LOVE???

The first thing I would do is get away from the person who gave you the romantic notion that this was a great love.  It isn't. Your posts suggest to me that this is all made up in your mind, because no one else can tell you that this is TRUE love situation.  Only time and going the distance with this woman will tell you if it is true love.  So far it sounds like a cheap affair.

Get professional help, and get rid of the gun.  Owning a gun is a responsiblity not to be taken lightly.  Even the thought of killing someone, and particularly yourself shows that you aren't stable enough to have one at this time.  Get rid of it and leave it with someone whom you trust.

I'm hoping I get through to you, and you can PM me any time.

We only miss what could have been. I know I don't miss what it really was.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2014
Sat, 08-09-2014 - 2:32pm

Clarity

I really appreciate you even taking time to respond to me, but with all due respect I believe you misread me. Never once I romanticized the affair, and as I said it's not the end of the affair that hurts but the many other aspects about it all. It seems I can't make it abundantly clear that I had been in love with her for two years before the affair. This is not an affair love. She is the love of my life and I won't even get into a debate about this because no one knows how I feel about her, but me. There is nothing really romantic about any of this. I wasn't looking for anything extra outside of my relationship with my ex girlfriend and companion. I'm not categorizing this as a love at first sight, but it was pretty close, and once I relaized it I wanted to stop it any way I could. I'm perfectly aware that she is off limits, and that I was wrong telling her how I felt. Sure we can all throw around big buzz words like, integrity, self worth, indiscretions, illusion and novelty, but in the end only I know how much she means to me, with or without the emotional and physical contact. And no I have zero self worth, never had much to begin with. I hate myself more than my ex, more than J (if she actually does hate me now) and more than her husband ever could hate me if he were to find out. And no I'm not blaming anyone either but myself. Not even her even if she did tell me one time that she was just a bored and unsatisfied housewife who took advantage of my previously existing feelings for her. Those were the exact words and I can present the text to anyone who willing to see it. Despite all that my life has no meaning without her in it. The affair itself was 16 moths of torrid and turbulent relationship, filled with dejection and heart breaks and I nearly turned myself into a full time alcoholic. Aside from the 42 days she spent with me after her husband threw her out; when we were together every day and which was nothing but a 42 day sexual fantasy camp to her, I have nothing to romanticize about.

I miss her with all my heart however misguided it is. I hate the way she used me for sex and dumped me when her guilt finally got deep for her conscience. I hate what I did to A, my ex and how I broke her heart. If I was a religious person I'd think God tested me and I failed in an epic way.

I hate everything about me and everything I do. And I fully deserve all of this and probably more punishment.

Avatar for wClarity
Community Leader
Registered: 11-04-2012
Sat, 08-09-2014 - 3:48pm

You had deep feelings for her...you loved her...I'm not going to take that away...because they are just that...feelings.  And you have a right to have them. You know now that acting upon them got you in deep d'oh.

At the end of the day, you both got hurt doing the wrong thing. You feel like you were used, and perhaps she does as well. You both used each other to get your needs met. 

>I hate everything about me and everything I do. And I fully deserve all of this and probably more punishment.<

What are you going to do about that?  The difference between man and animal is that we can self-correct. Start there...start your journey towards self-betterment. Figure out what has been motivating you all these years and make the necessary changes so you can start making better, healthier choices. Before you know it, you begin to regain self-love and self-worth and healthier choices become automatic.  

And I do believe we get what we deserve...not in the really negative way, but in the way that, as I mentioned before, we attract people who reflect back at us how we are doing in life. When we misbehave, we attract others who are misbehaving.  You had an affair that was all wrong and all wrong (punctuated by some blissful moments) is what you got back and ended up with. When we behave in a positive way, we draw in positive people and experiences. It makes perfect sense. When we are healthy, we don't even want to participate with anyone other than healthy people.

I don't think more punishment is due. You're suffering enough right now. If anymore punishment befalls you, you will have brought it on yourself if you keep making bad choices. 

As of now, the affair has ended...you are staying the course - all positive things. Embrace that and let it be the impetus to spur you forward to do what it takes to feel good about yourself.

And remember, too, a red flag should be flapping in the breeze and whacking us upside the head when we lead ourselves to believe that one person...one person who walks this planet of how many?..to become our only source of happiness; and that, if they are not around to prop us up, we fall down.

Use this crisis in your life as an opportunity to do and be better.

Clarity 


Community Leader,

Ending an Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2014
Sat, 08-09-2014 - 6:40pm

I still love her.

Right now I will take a step back and a deep breath. I used to jog 3 miles 6 times a day in morning at 4am before I had to go to work and worked out 4 times a week after work. 6-7 months ago I pulled my hamstring so that slowed me down, then we hit the toughest part of the affair and I started drinking and not caring so I stopped the jogging but I still tried to work out 1-3 times a week. I'm going to go back to jogging and I decided to work out 7 days a week. This may sound stupid but it's something to get back to my old routine.

I'll give that a few weeks but if I don't seem to improve my emotional amd mental state, I will just stop taking Effexor, ride out the first few days of dizziness, sickness and crying spells until I get to the suicidal state, drive up to her house in the driveways and drill a 9mm slug through my dumb heart. She can deal with the rest. Sounds like a plan to me.

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