16 month affair ended (Long, very long, sorry)
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|Thu, 08-07-2014 - 4:21pm|
This is a long story but I try to compress it the best I can. I moved to my current residence with my ex partner A, in 2008 whom I wasn't married to but we had been partners for 16 years when that ended in 2012. We worked at the same place too. Sometime in late 2010 I noticed a woman at work that I didn't even recall seeing before. That was the beginning of the end of my life as I known it before. I was more and more intruiged by her, let's call her J and felt more and more confused. Later she became friends with my ex A and they worked together daily. Soon I learned from casual conversation with A that J was married, kid, once divorced, etc, etc. J was actually ONE DAY older than A, a nice coincidence. My feelings for J were getting more and more serious as I found myself becoming more and more depressed which I also had to hide from A at home. I frantically searched the internet for advices on how to deal with and end an obession and infatuation with someone who is totally off limits, but I never found anything that helped. In time J and I started to have little talks as between a guy and his girlfriend's friend would. But I could see a certain little subtle flirtation. At one point I recieved a text from A and not realizing it was a group text I replied, so J texted me asking who I was. I told her who I was know having a clue who she was but soon I figured it and so I had her number, and she had mine. on Feb. 23d, 2011, and I remember that day forever, I finally reached my breaking point and on the way home from work I started crying real hard and that's when I knew I was madly in love with J I tried everything, I snubbed her at work, I didn't look at her for months, and tried to avoid her but nothing helped. Almost every waking minutes I spent thinking about her, wondering what she could be doing, and everything about her. She kept the little flirting and when I snubbed her she would just keep looking at me so I always gave in and ended up speaking with her again. Finally on Holloween 2011, it was friday, I got home and A wasn't home yet and I started crying again, which I did and still do a lot, especially for a guy. So I had a shot or two of Vodka and I texted her and told her I had a huge crush on her. Of course she rejected it, telling me that hopefully that was a joke because A was her "best friend". Nevertheless J and I kept emailing and at that time texting would've been a dead giveaway if J's husband or mye ex were to actually look at our phone bills. This went on for months and I told J I loved her deeply. She rejected it all, told me I love A and she loves her husband, but we kept emailing. Finally the guilt was so intense that I decided I had to tell A, and maybe I was hoping someohow we could work it out and I can end my misery. Unfortunately that didn't work out, A got really upset, she didn't want to understand my feelings (which I can't blame her for) and we started on a path that would destroy our 16 year long relationship. At that point I knew I didn't love A, I loved J. Of course, I hated myself and still do for that alone. I care about A and yes I cry for her too, 16 years is a long time with someone and I felt comfortable with A on my side. Anyway, A decided to forgive me, I went to see a therapyst to "cure" myself and started taking Effexor for my depression. After a few sessions I ended the therapy becasue she didn't offer a lot of help, at one point my therapyst actually told me I should feel blessed becasue only a few people experience pure love like I had for J, based on the way I described J and talked about her to the therapyst. Thanks for nothing. J and I continued emailing, until a couple of months ago A got me doing it redhanded. She told me she hated me and she could never trust me again and that she would move out of state in August that year (2012). And I let her. First of all I knew I could beg her for a week she would not had changed her mind, and most of all I knew it wasn't fair to her what I did, and she deserved much much better than me. Meanwhile J also told me we were over (at that point all we did was email and text) and because A texted J and wanted to meet her the day I got caught emailing, J's husband also learned of my interest I had in his wife. He doesn't know me and never met but he knows my name. Well after everything blew up in my face, and J told me to get lost, two days later I bought a 9mm for the sole purpose to end my dejection and stop hurting other people.
So A moved out and I was left on my own. Really I was just going through the days and weeks and months mindlessly. Finally in December that year I emailed J at work and exchanged a few emails but nothing else. Then later I emailed J at her private email once a week. One of those emails were a little romantic poem (if I could call that) that I wrote at work onde day and it had some erotic twist in it. The next week, J didn't reply so I asked her if she wanted me to stop with the emails, she said yes, it sucked but I did as she wished and never emailed her again. At worke, I also stayed away from her never even looking at her.
Then a month or two later J emailed me at work, for actually business related reply which I did, but never once I even looked at her. Then she emailed again, and slowly we started the emails again. First I promised her I wouldn't mention anything about my feelings about her and I didn't. Mostly they were just friendly emails.
Then one day she surprised me with a something that had a strong sexual theme, and we started to be naughty with the emails, that ended up with conversations about full blown sexual acts and desires we had for each other. Of course I loved the attention and so did she. She started to tell me about her husband being a drinker, always getting drunk and ignoring her or when they were going someowhere he'd end up being a drunk fool. Then other stuff, he didn't comfort her when her parents died etc etc. That was a surprise because I always thought she had a good marriage.
Then later at work she would come to my cube when no one was around and gave me hugs first then later kisses, OMG. Finally a couple of months later in April last year J showed up at my house and we just couldn't keep our hands off of each other. It was and it will always be a the happiest day of my life. I was totally blown away and left mesmerized. The next day I went to see Oblivion. I liked it and I already had the soundtrack because M83 is one of my favorite bands, so after I got home from the movie I was listening to the soundtrack and I overcame with such a joy that I broke down and I cried heavily for at least 20 minutes straight. Then when I stopped I relaized I was crying because I knew I was heading head first into a brick wall and when I reach it and the affair ends I will have nothing to fall back to, so made a deal with myself if that comes I will finally put that gun into use for which it was intended for. J and I kept seeing each other once a month and each time our encounter was more and more wonderful. We texted each other maybe a hundred times a day, and she called me every chance she had. She brought me her computer to work on it and I did and I put more RAM in it to make it faster. But she didn't take it back for a while and one day her husband asked (who at that time had to be fairly supsicious or something was afoot) where the computer was and J threw out my name. Well I did have it LOL. Few days later her husband threw her and her 16 year old son out of their house the middle of the night after some arguments they had. J packed some things and came to me and her sone stayed with her sister's. The next day her husband was trying to get her back in ther house but she told him no and brought more of her clothes and things to my house. She stayed with me for 42 wonderful days. We couldn't really go out together to other than the grocery store becasue the fear someone might sees us, from her part not mine. We made love every afternoon and every night, we ate together, watched movies, talked about things and I've never been happier in my life. She started to talk about divorce and even had some paperwork started for that. But soon she started to feel guilty because of her son was away so she moved out of my place and moved in with her sister to be with her son. That didn't really work out so sometime in Spetember they ended up moving back to their house and with her husband. We kept the calls and texts going and seemingly she had no intention to stop anything between us. She even told me that neither she or her husband wants to repair their marriage, but they had to repay their debts before they could get divorced. She kept seeing me, once or twice even drove her husbands truck to my place when he was out of town. When she moved back though I felt pretty angry and started to drink a lot meaning 5 times a week or more, which is a lot for me. We had frequently ended up text fighting and I did text things to her that I should have never texted probably. But we always made it up between us. That time I was very jealous and scared of losing her forever. Well that seemed to be just what happened. Gradually she started to telling me that she loved her husband again and she was feeling more and more guilty because of the affair so she wanted to end it but wanted to stay friends with me. I told her that might not work out for me, because of my feelings, not sure if I can be just casual friends, although I told her anything she needed and I could do it or give it to her, she would always get from me. So finally in may, she texted that the next day she could visit me but that could be the last time because of the guilt and all. I told her if she felt guilty, then we don't have to get intimate. But she said, yes she needed it. I found it a little odd, here she is teling me she loves her husband but she needed to be intimate with me. I really didn't understand that seemingly contradicting theory because ever since I relaized I loved J I would never even imagine sleeping with anyone else.
Well that was the last time we were intimate. Later when I asked her about loving one person and wanting intimacy from another, how does that work. She told me that I took that encounter we had and turned it into something ugly and it was beautiful. those were her words. Later when I asked again she was more open and told me she loves sex (well I knew that) but her husband doesn't give it to her often enough. Soon after that she told me she had an increasingly hard time texting me at home and finally she ended up blocking my numbers. We still emailed once or twice, then she emailed me if I ever have any sexual content or email her something mean she would stop altogether. I didn't want to agravate the situation so I stopped emailing but I'd still run into her at work and we said hi to each other but I noticed she was being very cold. Where a couple of months ago that woman could never even walk by me without saying something or smiling at me or subtly touching my arm, now that was all gone. A week ago I asked her to give me one more time together, so I can have a closure. OK maybe not a best idea from my part. She actually agreed and told me to be patient and wait until it's possible. Then a couple of days ago I asked her why she has been so cold to me. Well she laid it all out, my drunk texting for which I was guilty of. But then she started digging things up from over a year ago, telling me how this and that was an "eye opener". I did eveything for this woman, everything I could. She broke my heart numerous occasions when were discussing us, all thre of us. When I asked her why she even gave me little hints and hopes that she might leave him, she never asnwered or the best I got form her that "I'm sorry" Anyway I don't see anything I did a year ago as big defining eye opening moments because even 6 months ago I couldn't have walked away without her calling me or texting me. And I tried a couple of times but she always ended up contacting me, just like I did when she was trying to to the same. Finally yesterday she told me there won't be one more time and it's best for everyone (meaning her) if we just end it.
Well sorry for the super long post, I cry a lot, and it hurts so much. Not the fact that we won't be intimate anymore, but the fact that she threw me away, she used me for spicing up her sex life, and now after all that we went through her husband finally relaized she might just walk and straightened himself out. I basically helped her getting her marriage back on track and I didn't even get a thank you. By the wah her husband does not know of the thing we had, if he did he'd divorce her, or so she told me. She threw a lot of crap in my face and made it sound like as I was an absolute monster, when in reality all I did was loved and still love this woman as long as I live. It was hard, the jealosy, knowing that I was just a backup, the dejection and sadness and depression that basically my life has been in the last three years. I'm tired, just want to go to sleep for a year. I'm glad I have that gun. Not saying I will ever use it because I have a few people that would be a little upset if I did, but for now I know I have a way out of this gloominess and worthlessness and hopelessness I feel.
Sorry for the novel, really this is only barely scratching the surface, there are more tales that make up the whole picture but I tried to compress it