2 hrs starting over, no choice. Pathetic mess I am
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2 hrs starting over, no choice. Pathetic mess I am
| Sat, 02-26-2011 - 11:36am |
Good morning,
10 days ago, I came to this site, by stumbling upon it searching for help.I have told no one about the A and feel so incredibly isolated and alone. I had felt overwhelmed and hurt beyond belief by my xAP canceling on a meeting. It had been about the third time it had happened, i was distraught, thought about the whole A and knew it had to end. Got great advice here, support and felt no longer alone by the response.

I know that you are in the throws of detoxing from your affair ... but I want you to re-read the following:
"the push, pull, lies, guilt, obsessive beahviors"
And I want you to seriously reflect on whether or not that sounds like love or care to you? If you've been reading here, you've seen how we "roll" and part of that is really encouraging posters to re-think those feelings of "love" that now have you clinging to a shell of yourself. And believe me, it isn't because you are losing the love of your life and that's why you are so heartbroken, it is from the toxic affects of the horrible low self esteem that results from an affair, and the horrible realization that anything (problems) you were hoping to escape in your real life are still there - probably even worse, than they were before the affair.
You're right. You threw away 3 months of your life, but how you manage the healing process will help determine how much more of your life will be wasted on the affair. 3 months? Not barely enough to get to know anyone, and in an affair, we never really know the other person. We know the image they choose to show us, which is devoid of any of the messy of real life. Stolen moments built & sustained on lies?
You are making a decision to end things because he canceled again? or are you ending it because you have come to your senses and have realized that you NO longer want to live the partial existance you have living from one text moment to the next. Have you BLOCKED him? Or are you still hoping he is going to come chasing after you? What actions are you going to take to keep you and your family safe?
We have ALL made mistakes in the ending process - rarely has someone done it perfect the first time, and even still, a discovery day is always possible. So the sooner you clear yourself of the fog, get into therapy to get to the bottom of things, then the better a chance you will have of being prepared in case your affair is ever discovered.
With care,
TU.
TU,
Thank you....I am a complete basket case. I am ending because I have come to my senses and have realized that I NO longer want to live the partial existance I have living from one text moment to the next. I can't do this I am going crazy, if not already there. Canceling yes that equally has pushed me here....I hate it.
Mic,
YOU can help you. I am telling you, each one of us here stood in the pit of pain that you are right now. We come from all sorts of backgrounds, many not unlike your own. Some of us are survivors of abuse & trauma in childhood, in marriages, children who were abandoned and neglected, and some without any of that history. Having an affair is an equalizer. It strips each one of us down to our barest existence.
The earliest minutes, hours & days are the scariest and most painful - in my opinion. Dealing with the painful withdrawl sends many running and screaming right back into the affair under the false assumption that all the pain must indicate that the "Love" is just too powerful to walk away from. NOPE - it is just the emotional and physical response of weaning off a toxin. Seriously, have you even met someone in the earliest phases of withdrawl? Look it up on line, and you will see this is no different, except that this drug in this case was a person so that makes people sad to think all WE EVER were too was a drug. Sad, but true.
Remember, you were Married too and had no business making your life circling around being available to service the needs of another woman's husband. HIS terms WERE his wife's terms because HE was married to HER. His commitments were always going to be about her. The fog of the affair tricks you into thinking that there is in fact something wrong about the fact that the married man is putting his family first. Doesn't that sound silly? I would have torn the head off of anyone who tried to get into the middle of my marriage. Now, when I think about a future relationship with someone, I can't IMAGINE how I would feel if I ever knew someone was pouting because my partner wasn't available to their affair. Gosh, not that I imagine having a partner who is having an affair ...
the entitlement to someone else's spouse is the wrongness, not that he chose her over you. There was no competition, she didn't win the prize and she didn't hold him hostage. He made decisions that were about making his life as cozy for him as possible. WE ALL DID THIS. People here talk about being thrown under the bus when their spouses found out ... or were suspicious. Darn right. We are all disposable in an affair, not ourselves as people, but the very "relationship". There are NO rules, or expectations in an affair. Each and every moment we are in an affair we are teaching the other person that we think so little of ourselves, our lives and the ones we care about, that we are willing to share the body of someone that shares it with another, that NO WONDER we are left crawling when all is said and done.
Dark corners are scary places to be tucked away into. Instead of running outta them, making different choices, we developed extraordinary means of coping with the scary. Sad to realize now, I should have just walked out of the corner, and flipped on the light, so to speak, while I still could have saved my marriage, and his family' despair.
Knowing that you loved the attention is a good place to start, and asking yourself why you loved the attention, needed the attention, will be the work that you do with your therapist.
TU.
MIC
MLC,
Hugs to you, my dear friend.