2 weeks NC
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| Wed, 04-21-2010 - 5:26pm |
Hi All,
I could really use a little words of wisdom right now. I have a live in boyfriend of 11 years (I suppose we might as well be married). I have been involved in a 3 year long affair. I have tried to end it before - he has a girlfriend and a child. I know it was wrong to get involved with him, but we were so drawn to each other it was hard to stop. Here comes the turning point. I have obviously been having problems with BF, 2 weeks ago, BF and I got into a huge fight, were discussing how to sell our house..etc., etc.,. Of course, I turned to AP. He did and said all the right things, invited me over for pizza - GF was out of town. And then she called. To say he dismissed me would be a bit dramatic, but it was really obvious where I stood. As I walked to my car crying for both my AP and my BF it was like a light went off. How long was I going to continue being second best? I sent him a text later that night telling him that I have been in love with him for 3 years and I was done pretending that it was ever going to happen, that I could no longer be second best - it is simply too painful. I thanked him for helping me through the night, and how special he is. That was 2 weeks ago, he never responded and I know he is trying to respect my wishes. But I am feeling so weak right now. It is so difficult for me to not contact him. Please advise!

Dear Ivy,
I am sorry to hear that you are having a hard day - but congrat's on making it two weeks no contact! That is a huge accomplishment and you should be proud of yourself for having the courage to end an intolerable and unsustainable arrangement. Here is my very favorite articles about ending an A (warning: long but worth it!!):
Yes, it does, but it takes time. And you shouldn't be surprised at your sadness - February is really only yesterday, when it comes to grief. Certainly you know you did the right thing, and that brings a kind of cold comfort, very real, but also very lonely. What's helping most is why you made your stand. You did it as a first step towards re-establishing your sense of self-worth.
The story you've told me - like the stories of many if not most 'other women' - is a story of personal humiliation. Sure, at the beginning, it seemed everything was up for grabs, all was possible, there was a sense of a possible future. In that scenario, the deception, lies, disloyalty and compromises could all be seen as short-term, necessary, mere temporary stepping-stones, and, above all, shared, mutual, part of a path both of you were on. In the cold light of early morning, it may not have felt that good. But it didn't yet damage your sense of self-worth, because there was hope of a different to-morrow.
It's the shared sense of commitment to some kind of future, which makes the distasteful elements of an affair manageable. It may not be right, but it feels permissible, when two people want to be together. The compromises only really start to bite, when that future is canceled, or hope is extinguished. Then the shoddiness of second-best, and secrets, becomes apparent. And self-esteem starts to vanish. That's what happened to you. You were put in your place. The terrible thing about that place, is that it means you have no right to any kind of consideration. Your feelings are not spared, as he talks of his wife and family and all he's doing with them and for them. You never win the time contest, if there's a conflict between some plan with you and a sudden family contingency. You are not minded, or cared for, when sick or distressed, or only within very strict limits. You are a secret, have no social standing as any kind of partner, must be denied on any accidental meeting even with acquaintances. There is very little honour in any of that. Low self-esteem is the inevitable result.
The problem with low self-esteem is that it often leads to us continuing in an impossible situation - in fact in the very situation which has handed our self-esteem such a serious blow in the first place. Apart from the fact that, rightly or wrongly, you loved this man, and as you explained, thought that seeing him even just the odd time would lessen the pain, what held you in there was the fact that you lost sight of what is right and proper. Low self-esteem leads people to believe, deep down, that they don't deserve any better, that whatever shoddy deal is handed to them is good enough, since they are so unworthy. So women stay - and men too, for affairs are not all a question of a single woman and married man.
That's why it took great courage for you to end it. Because courage is what is required when we don't really think much of ourselves and yet opt to make a serious decision, in our own best interests. For what you had to do was take a leap of faith, faith in yourself. You had to act as if you believed you were worthy, even though you weren't so sure. And what's comforting you now, is the awareness that you did the right thing, for you. You stood up for yourself. You removed yourself from the indignity of your situation.
The problem is that dignity is precious, essential really, but it doesn't give us a lot of consolation. It does, however, give us the basis for building a happier future. So of course you're glad you pulled the plug on your relationship. Of course you feel good about it. Of course you're right that the woman who wrote, and prompted your own, letter will get through the terrible pain of ending her affair. You'll get through your sadness too. Just be patient with yourself. And pay attention to your self-esteem. It has been very badly bruised. In other words, you're still vulnerable. So take care.
****
I read this every single day and I take pride in knowing that I am finally taking care of me, and that it is okay to do so. I think for many women, getting out of an A can be such a long process because we are not taught how to put our needs first, we are raised to think that putting the needs of other's first is what makes us a 'good' mother/daughter/friend etc ... so even when we can feel deep inside that something isn't good for us, we will go along with it so as not to appear unkind/greedy/selfish etc...
So please, listen to that voice inside you - the one that is begging you to hear it - saying Ivygirl, you deserve a full-life.
Hugs & welcome,
TU.
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
Hi Ivy- 2 weeks is HUGE and you should be proud of yourself. You are right- he is only trying to respect your wishes. The situation was going nowhere and it had to end. Now it is time for you to both move on and healing in your own way, separately. And you will miss him. You will wonder about him. You will hurt. But I promise that with each day, it will get easier. With each day, the fog will lift and you will begin to see things more clearly. You will have the courage to face the hard truth about yourself and get to the bottom of your issues so you can move forward and nurture healthy relationships. We've all been in your shoes, Ivy, and I promise it does get better. Stay the course. Allow yourself to feel and then move on. I have a very simple rule that I follow and it has helped me get to 83 days NC. Do not act upon your emotions for 48 hours. This will teach you patience and also the value in NC. You will be so proud of yourself for working through it on your own without reaching out to him... and soon it will get easier.
Hugs,
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
NC/LC since January 28, 2010
http://secretlifeofjane.wordpress.com/
Hi Ivy,
Welcome to EAS.
You’ve received some great responses. TU is hurting after having to work with her xAP today yet she took time to reach out to you and posted an amazing post. So amazing I can’t wait to add it to Wisdom and Insight part II.
Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.
Ivy,
Welcome to EAS and know that 2 weeks of NC is
~Iddy~
You are so welcome.
And you are already strong enough - the A just made you doubt that you were.
And you are NOT alone ... I am just a couple days behind you (Day 9). I am walking this path right along with you, and we are surrounded by the other EAS posters who are walking with us too.
Hugs,
TU.
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou