20-25lbs of depression
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| Sun, 05-02-2010 - 11:11am |
OMFG, I finally got on the scale this morning and realized that I have gained 20-25 lbs since November (the break up). I am freaking out! I didn't gain more than 30lbs during ANY of my three pregnancies, and they were all 9 pounders! I knew I was chunking up, none of my clothes fit me -- I mean, NONE. I'm on my way to Target today to spend money I don't have on emergency work clothes. I am so depressed and pissed with myself!
I have never weighed this much without a reason, like post pregnancy. And, although, it did take me two years to get back to my fighting weight after #3, I wasn't beating myself up too much because I had two kids in 2 years. I can blame the Paxil a bit; my appetite is insatiable - however, that excuse only goes so far, because, really, I have been making horrible food choices and just not giving a sh*t. I was/am depressed - feeling like nobody cares what I look like anyway - feeling ugly on the inside and not caring what I looked like on the outside - probably also subconsciously sabotaging my attractiveness to keep attention at bay.... whatever the f'd up reasons, doesn't matter! I am disgusted with myself for letting myself go and I am determined to get back on track. I've never tried to lose this much weight before in such a short amount of time - I have my brother's wedding on a tropical island the first week of June and I'll be damned if I'm going to spend my first real vacation in years and years hiding under a muumuu and hating my fat face in all the pictures.
So, I have two things to sort out: 1) how did I let this depression, or whatever, take over my life to the point where I got to this point, and 2) how do I take off this weight in 5 weeks! Holy cow.
Ladies just ending your As, please keep an eye on your health and self-image. Don't let yourself go to pot just because you're blue. Believe me, you will regret it if you neglect yourself - because once the fog lifts and you're not focused almost entirely on just getting over the A, you will want to want to feel pretty again (inside AND out) and that's hard to do if you've just blown out the a$$ of your jeans. BTDT.
Off to the gym (embarrassed that I look like a stuffed sausage in my spandex),
Dee

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Dear Dee
Your words decribe me perfectly! I too gained 25 pounds and got depressed after trying to end my A two years ago. AT first we treid to "be freind" then that landed me back in the A and then it didnt work again (the A) and then I crashed and burned! I spent months eating ice cream and isolating.
I am now over one year NC but the weight has been slow coming off because my self esteem hit the gutter and I didnt give a crap.
Look we didnt get here in 5 weeks so try to be realistic about the kind of weight you can lose in 5 weeks! Me too I have to attend my eldest sons college graduation in one week and my Mom who is always brutal with my weight will be coming into town. What can I say? That I finally ended my A with a married man and then got depressed and fat but that it was better than drinking? She will look at me like I am some kind of freakazoid.
I am realizing that my A was in fact an addiction and food overuse is just another one. So I am the type that switches one addiction for another. However there is HOPE!
Try to get in T if you arent already and consider some kind of 12 step group and talk and talk here lots! One day at a time it does get better.
I realized that for the past year I have NOT wanted to look attractive and my sexuality has been badly damaged. I have not felt sexual in the least, even with myself if you know what I mean.
And I used to feel quite sexual in the past and quite attractive! All that vanished for me over the past 2 years.
But suddenly things are changing a bit and I am feeling like its okay to be slightly slightly sexy and pretty again. (I am single).
After I hit the 365 NC mark everything in my life started to shift!
I am also now realizing that I can not ever jump into a sexual situation again without fully checking out if the situation is safe emotionally for me first. And I have to learn to trust myself that I WILL in fact make better choices in my life in the future. Because of course my trust in self was lost in this A.
I am now fully convinced that A's cause major emotioanal/psychological destruction. Hang in there!
They say the weight gain from Paxil is potentially 5-10 pounds but I am not sure they really know. I never gained weight on Paxil however. It was the ending of the A and the bad eating that has done me in.
g.
Dee,
I gained about 20-25 lbs when I was on Paxil years ago. Went from size 6 to a too tight size 12 in about three or four months. When my a$$ got to big for my size 12 jeans I went off the
I gained about that much while I was in the A.
I could tell I was stuffing all the emotions down with food. I have a history of really disordered eating and the A really brought this to the foreground again. Knowing this about myself, I instantly started running when I was contemplating ending it. This served many purposes: 1) to have something to feel good about - just for me; 2) to start losing the weight I had gained; 3) to counter the effects that the impending severing was gonna cause on my emotions (i.e.: depression); 4) to make sure I looked fabulous when I was going to see xAP again (we are LC due to work) and 5) most importantly, to re-join a social-support group that I had enjoyed many years prior to meeting my AP. Today I just finished a half-marathon race and feel fabulous.
I think for all of us - planning a strategic exit of the A is important. That is, if you have the time to plan for it like I somewhat did. I think revisiting how you manage stress, grief & loss in the past can give you insight into how ending your A is going to go - in terms of what coping 'kit' you have. If your habits aren't so great, than use the ending as a time to establish new ways of managing - feel the empowerment that comes from taking steps to take care of yourself, just for you.
Dee - hang in there. It takes time. A crash weight loss won't do you any good. I had to face myself at a wedding at a weight that I wasn't happy with about a month ago. But I reminded myself that I was on the road to feeling better - and that I wasn't going to get there skipping meals and vomiting (my old ways) ... that I needed to take CARE of my wounded self.
You are on your way! I am proud at you for facing the weight issue - or what the weight concerns represented for you.
Be gentle on yourself (and your body!)
Hugs,
TU.
"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
You may have simply traded one addiction for another.
thanks for chiming in, Ladies. I should have been more clear that I don't expect to lose the entire 25ish lbs in 5 weeks, I just want to take off as much as I can, reasonably. I figure 3lbs a week is very doable. I went to the gym this morning, and, sure, on the stairmaster my ass looked like two puppies fighting in a sack - but, at least I was there. I have not worked out regularly since last summer when I was almost mugged in broad daylight in a parking lot. Since then, I've suffered from a bit of ptsd and hated going anywhere by myself - especially not to the gym at my usual workout time of 5am when the parking lot is dark and empty. I felt dependent on going with my husband, on his schedule, and I neither felt like going at his time nor hanging out with him. oy. But, I went today with H and he worked out next to me. We joked and laughed so much that some uptight b*tch hushed us. Know what? It's a really stupid idea to hush anyone over the age of 5, let alone some cranky fat chick whose weaning off of her meds -- am I right or am I right??
I'm going to start going to the gym in the morning again and I'm going to NOT diet, rather make more healthful food choices. I'm definitely getting off the Paxil and I don't know if I'll need to replace it, so only time will tell. I'll keep y'all updated on Operation Dee-chunk.
Love my board,
Dee
This got the chuckle going: It's a really stupid idea to hush anyone over the age of 5, let alone some cranky fat chick whose weaning off of her meds -- am I right or am I right??
But this: I'll keep y'all updated on Operation Dee-chunk resulted in coffee spray all over my laptop!
Keep up the great work, Dee!!
Thank you, Alice and Always. If I can make just one person a day spew on their laptop, the day has been a success! (used to be xAP, if you know what I mean... but.. yo, homie don't play that no more)
I have a very dark sense of humor and it's served me well lately. If I could literally laugh my ass off, I'd still be a size four. Humor is where you find it, and I would suggest that we all, especially the newbies, make a real effort to search out a good laugh every single day. I rented Barbarella to watch with my Gays the other night -- this, my friends, is a gold mine. We're now in the process of planning a Barbarella costume party - everyone has to dress up as a character from the film. Gawd, that's going to be a riot. I'm going to have to skinny up to get into that tin-foil bikini!
Anyhoo, Alice, thank you so much for pointing out the connection of sugar withdrawl and weaning off of alcohol. I have been a sugar fiend lately, and making the conscious connection that sugar craving is an addiction/withdrawal will make it easier to manage. I have not quite drinking entirely, but I have cut back a huge amount and I'm still working on it. Speaking of weaning, I am starting week two of getting off of Paxil, with really good results so far. No major side effects - so if anyone out there is scared to get off of it because of what you've read or heard about the horrid process, take heart. It's not that way for everyone and it's worth the effort. Paxil was great for the first few months, a real life and M-saver, I believe - but, one should not be on it any longer than necessary. It's time for me to paddle this lifeboat without assistance. I know I can do it.
Love to you all,
Dee
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