20 days no contact & he knocks on my door

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2011
20 days no contact & he knocks on my door
21
Thu, 02-03-2011 - 11:59pm

I started no contact 20 days ago and tonight he ruins it by knocking on my door.

First let me start by saying i have not posted on here as much as i should i have been suffering in silence i guess....I started out so strong with the no contact and was fine until day 12. Then i just broke down and cried and cried. I still dont know what the trigger was i guess being lonely. I had put the kids to bed and H works 2nd shift so i was home alone i

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008

Hi AA,

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2010

Dear (formally) Addicted Angel!

It is late here, and it has taken me over 25 minutes to get logged onto the damn site after reading your post, but wanted to come and offer you a warm ((HUG)) and some calming vibes.

I am so very sorry you are hurting so badly this night. It his horrible for anyone to have to go through so much pain, especially when it involves the realization that we brought it on ourselves. I am sure other will be along soon, and will throw all kind of anger at xAP and use some pretty nasty names...I am not going to do that and though will probably get flamed because of it I am glad I got a chance to say a few things first. Of course nor will I condone his behavior that was so far outside of acceptable that it just shows the CRAZY that living in the horribly deceitful can make us.

But Angel...1st off, He did not ruin your 20 days of NC by knocking on your door. You have grown alot in that time, even if you have been suffering in silence at you say. I understand that, I often had a hard time being able to express myself during the early stages of my ending, but as long as you have been here continuing to read and absorb strength from this place then you will be OK (and by the sounds of some of your actions...ie blocking and changing number ect.). Actually you will be better than OK, you will be free. The first 3 weeks is so very hard, and just know that you do not have to go it alone...everyone of us here has expeirenced those same weaknesses Angel...and everyone of us is stronger for it. You are admitting it...that is step 1.

As for advice as for what to do now...and perhaps this should have come right up front....just try and BREATH. Just take a second and focus on your breath...it will help cause the anxiety. You are going to get through this, you will be ok. You have taken great steps...and if this ever were to happen again, you just very sternly say something like "you need to go away now, or I will call the police". One of the reasons you are hurting so bad is because you engaged with him....even if it was mostly 1 sided conversation. You were still open to his words...and his declarations of love. It is normal to feel the guilt you are feeling, and in a sense shows the compassion that you have in your heart. But, Angel, here is the thing...and it is the reason I will not just shout about how much of an arse your xap was being (even though he was)....It takes two to get into these messes, and very sadly it takes two to get out. Eventually he will have to also accept and deal with the fact that it is over. Now how the other person gets to that point can run an extreme gambit of possibilities. One hopes that it never has to be a drastic thing, involving athorities or god forbid your H. And like you said, he showed you evidence that he is hurting...sadly doing that was still a power play on his part...a tactic to show you how much it hurts and a way to use it to get you back. All I can say is fight it Angel...fight it hard! AND YOU DID! You closed the door in his face,and made him go away! For that I am proud of you. VERY PROUD.

I do not know what you will have to deal with in the future....some here have had extreemly agressive xAP's. Others end up feeling more hurt because they never hear a peep from their xAPs. For me, I can tell you, that giving my XAP the requested NC was one of the hardest things I ever had to do in my whole life. I live very far from her, and I am glad, cuase I shudder to think that I could have possibly done something of this magnitude. But crazy thing is that he is not thinking straight. He is still caught in the fantasy land that you guys built up. So all you can do, and we can do, is pray that he somehow also GETS IT, in the same way you did. Gets the fact that all As end, that they all are wrongs acted out in a field of lies, ego, and selfish desires. And he will, I promise you...he will. And when he does...he will have to process his own guilt. So don't you for one second feel you have to do that for him. You need to worry about your own actions, your own guilt, those that you hurt, and ignored. You can not take on anything of his...he will have to do that himself.

I am not sure if this is making any sense...but I just wanted you to know that you are NOT ALONE! We are here for you, and I am so sorry that you are hurting so bad. I know you want this all to go away...and it will WITH TIME! I promise. Just keep counting, keep NC...keep moving forward. Stay strong! Tell yourself if this ever were to occur again, you will be firmer in your actions. But mostly...just know that what happened in the past...is in the past...you are doing right by YOU now! That is the most

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2010
Oh wait...nevermind E1 is in the house. In that case pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Listen to what that one has to tell you and I can be sure you will be ok. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
Angel, I too want to say I am thinking of you tonight. The 2-3 week mark of no contact was the hardest fo me (I am at 10 weeks now). I learned that the sadness would come and to let it wash over me and just keep pushing forward. The sadness comes less and less, I promise you. I'm so sorry he showed up and I will pray along with Foggy that he 'gets it' soon. Tomorrow will be better. I ran into my xap at about the 5 week mark and it was devestating to me. But I recovered quickly and the run in actually propelled me forward in my healing...I will pray the same to be true for you. Relax, breathe, and wake up tomorrow to a fresh new day. Hugs to you.

p.s. Foggy, I absolutely love your calming spirit...there is healing in your words for those who read them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2008

Foggy I had more questions than answers when I read the post and I’m hoping the OP will come back and answer so that I can comment further.

The main thought that went through my mind when I read this post was fear that a woman home alone with her children opened the door to a man when she had NO idea what his intentions were.

Whether you think you can or you think you can't you are probably right. A parrot can repeat what it has learned but the mark of true intelligence is applying what is learned.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009
AA,
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This was an extremely selfish, ego driven, unacceptable thing to do. He made it all about him. This guy turns my stomach. There was no consideration whatsoever as to the ramifications that could have occurred.

Do NOT be afraid that he is going to tell your H. Do NOT let him intimidate or manipulate you. Continue on with NC and start working on your own issues. Eventually this selfish JAM will get the message that you are done. If there is another D-Day then so be it. You will just have to deal with whatever happens, but DO NOT fail yourself again. Stand firm in your conviction to have the A over with, and keep pushing forward knowing you are doing what is best for you and your family.

((Hugs))
Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010

Addicted,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2010
Fri, 02-04-2011 - 11:20am
E1,

Actually I had the same questions too, and those exact same fears that I suppose I am to naive to let myself think of the terrible possibilities of the encounter last night.

I will admit that I put my focus on helping to calm Angel, so that once back in a rational mind she could process what happened and proceed with the right course of action. I agree that this was a very very scary situation and I am glad that nothing more serious happened.

thanks for the hugs...glad you put the modifier in though...I forced you dangerously close to crossing some boundaries :) J/K, just givin you a hard time. I hope you are having a great day my friend.

And Angel, yes please come back and let us know how you are doing today. What you learned from this, and what your plan for any future encounter is.

peace&light
Foggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2010
Fri, 02-04-2011 - 11:24am
Dont get me wrong you guys, I too agree it was an extremely selfish thing to do on the part of Angel's XAP, and a completely unacceptable behavior. I was just pointing out that sadly such selfish behavior is born and bread out of our own selfishness poured into the A.

Like E1, I am very happy that nothing more serious occurred, and am very sad that Angel was hurt so badly by the encounter.

But yes, Angel....listen to MG....let us know how you are today. After an event like this please do not hid away.

Peace&light and hugs to all
Foggy
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2011
Fri, 02-04-2011 - 12:17pm

oh my goodness!

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