21 Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
21 Days
14
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 5:43pm

So I have read that it takes 21 days to break a habit. Mine being the need to make contact. (Fix Everything)


The 1st and 2nd day are usually a high because you feel strong and you have all the reasons you are making this decision before you. The third day is supposedly when you hit the wall and the days following can be challenging yet get slightly easier as time goes on.


I use knowledge to help me get control when I feel like I am out of control so call me a nerd but I need to know if this is true when it comes to A withdrawl. I went two months before but then I caved. And that was because my mind was not getting out of the A it was on how long it would take for him to miss me.


I would love to know if anyone has charted this stuff?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2009
In reply to: wisingup2010
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 6:56pm

Wisingup,
Recently we visited this issue and it seems that the answer is that there is no answer. How long it takes depends on how much effort is put into it, among many, many other factors. Each of us is an individual with differing circumstances, ways of coping and emotional make ups. How could one possibly 'chart' such wildly varied and subjective perspectives?

It will take as long as it takes. Learn patience and perseverance because you have a long, hard road ahead -- and it's worth it.

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
In reply to: wisingup2010
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 7:03pm

Today is 21 days for me too. I am a mm who had an affair with a S woman. After 3 years it was broken off. I pushed her away because I felt guilty, she was lonely and I could not give her what she wanted, more time. She found someone else only because I told her to do it. It hurt like hell. That happened 2 months ago but of course, we broke the n/c rule. Today marks the 21st day for me too since we had any contact. I will use you as my barometer and hope you do not break it.


I want to wish you luck without knowing your circumstances. I know its hell but I know I cannot do anything. She

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
In reply to: wisingup2010
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 9:25pm

Hi Pud, this is actually my first day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
In reply to: wisingup2010
Tue, 07-20-2010 - 11:08pm

Wisingup,


It's great that you went 2 months before so you know you can do it again. You can't put that kind of pressure on yourself when it comes to healing as everyone heals at a different pace. In one of my many attempts at NC I

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2010
In reply to: wisingup2010
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 12:55pm

Wising up2010-

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
In reply to: wisingup2010
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 8:44pm

Hi Miss!


"You can't put that kind of pressure on yourself when it comes to healing as everyone heals at a different pace."


I have always put a lot of pressure on myself. I kind of hate wading around in the muck and the pain. I just want to know what I have to do to get out of it. I guess I am in avoidance mode. I don't really want to deal with it, I just want the mess to go away. Talk about immature. I just am afraid of what I am going to find in there. I obviously must be screwed up to have gotten into this situation. sigh.


Thanks for your thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2009
In reply to: wisingup2010
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 9:15pm

Wising,


We're all a little screwed up if we're here, aren't we? Nobody's perfect.


I understand that feeling of not wanting to deal with the raw emotion. I've felt that way many times where I just wanted to skip all the triggers, pain and the fantasizing that leads to more pain and be at the indifference that I've read so many others post about. It takes so much needless energy out of

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
In reply to: wisingup2010
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 9:21pm

Hi Pud,


"I was so confident that my AP would not leave, and she didn't until I winged her for 4 months until she finally did. I pushed and pushed and pushed her to the limit until no human being could not take it anymore. Thats what he is doing to you. The difference is he does not believe it."


Wait? You pushed hard because you didn't believe she would leave any other way? If that is true. I never thought of it that way. I know he feels that I am extremely loyal to him, and he can't give me what I need. That has to be hard for him too. To feel responsible for someone waiting on him and knowing he can't give then what they want. Thanks for your POV on this, I needed it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2010
In reply to: wisingup2010
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 9:24pm

Thanks MB!


I can only think one day at a time. I am really tangled in the emotions of this. Thank you for your encouragement! I am glad that you found your way out, it inspires me. Take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
In reply to: wisingup2010
Wed, 07-21-2010 - 9:40pm

Hi Wising -

I wanted to tell you that I'm on Day 25 and it is getting better, little by little. I know you are struggling because you weren't the one who necessarily ended it and you are looking for answers about why he pushed you away. Look at it this way, if he did push you away because he wanted you to have a life - good! He's a better person than my XAP who would still be stringing me along if I let him. Even at the end - after 7.5 years, he was still claiming that he was going to "take care of things". There is no way he would have ever been selfless enough to let me go.

The only thing that matters is we are here and we are on the road to a much better place. Has you XAP tried to contact you at all? Even though mine stalks me, he only texted me once at the very beginning and I didn't respond. A lot of the triggers that bothered me a few weeks ago are starting to subside. I had a very hard time first thing in the morning going into my office - and that is even getting better. Hang in there - you said you can only take one day at a time. That's all we're supposed to do :)

Bodhi

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