21 Days
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21 Days
| Tue, 07-20-2010 - 5:43pm |
So I have read that it takes 21 days to break a habit. Mine being the need to make contact. (Fix Everything)
The 1st and 2nd day are usually a high because you feel strong and you have all the reasons you are making this decision before you. The third day is supposedly when you hit the wall and the days following can be challenging yet get slightly easier as time goes on.
I use knowledge to help me get control when I feel like I am out of control so call me a nerd but I need to know if this is true when it comes to A withdrawl. I went two months before but then I caved. And that was because my mind was not getting out of the A it was on how long it would take for him to miss me.
I would love to know if anyone has charted this stuff?

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"I know you are struggling because you weren't the one who necessarily ended it and you are looking for answers about why he pushed you away."
I am struggling. Bodhi I am really struggling with this. We didn't really have an ending. He has been pulling away for a while now, all the contact came from me and he never ignored me, he was always there responding back within seconds. I just came here because I know I deserve more than this. I know that I deserve to have someone with both feet in the relationship. And I want to enjoy my life. You mentioned in another thread that you were jealous that your xAP had such a full life, I feel the same way. Mine is empty compared to his. It's just that I am really attached and there is
((((Wising))))
We're all struggling, just know that even though you feel like it, you are not alone.
It sounds like your XAP was just too chicken to tell you he was done. My XAP would always respond too - never right away because work came first. But when I look at it now, it meant nothing more than him wanting to continue having me around. Yummy cake that I was.
It does feel like my XAP has a full life compared to mine because I lived for him and my heart is broken. But realistically, does he? I doubt it. My guess is he'll remain stuck where he is forever, and it's really sad for him. What I'm working on is letting go of the idea that I was supposed to fix it for him.
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Me too! And now that we are doing this hard work, we'll have a chance. Don't think about the finish line - it seems too far away. Just concentrate on today. As I said, I'm seeing subtle changes in myself already - especially how I act around people in general. I didn't realize how closed off I had become - even with strangers in stores, etc. I used to be a friendly, smiling bubble. And I can feel that person percolating inside again.
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If you are talking about a man, the vets here will tell you, as they've told me, that you need to work on loving yourself right now. I want to get to the point where I'm comfortable having dinner with a single man, but for me, the last thing I want is someone else in a capacity more than that.
If you are talking about a person in general to forget about him with, you have all of us. You and I have the benefit of not having a marriage to work on. We don't have the added stress of that. Even though I COMPLETELY know where you're coming from when you feel lonely, think of it as a blessing.
Bodhi
"What I'm working on is letting go of the idea that I was supposed to fix it for him. "
OMG! That hit me right between the eyes. It is one of the hardest things to let go of because I spent so much time focused on him and his happiness. Wow! Total denial of my own issues and problems, but complete focus on his. And taking that focus off him now and looking at me is scary and overwhelming. But you are right that is a big hurdle to overcome.
"I'm seeing subtle changes in myself already - especially how I act around people in general. I didn't realize how closed off I had become."
Another nod of the head. I became that way because I had to completely shut everyone else out to manage this situation. If a guy came on to strong or wanted to go out it would so throw me off because there was a part of me that knew I should probably be pursuing that for myself but another huge part of me that was holding on to xAP for dear life and didn't want to screw that up.
If you are talking about a person in general to forget about him with, you have all of us.
Smile. Thank you! It's just hard that none of my friends know about this, so being with them still doesn't seem fulfilling because they don't know all the stuff going on inside me.
You and I have the benefit of not having a marriage to work on.
True but for some women that is what propells them to fight through this. My xAP clings to his son and the fact that he doesn't want to screw his little life up for him. So even if his home isn't perfect he is making a point to see what he does have. All I see is a life uncreated and a lot of work in front of me. It is overwhelming. Because for us, at some point we have to date, we have to throw our hearts back out there and hope to God it doesn't get trashed again. Frankly it feels like to much.
I am trying to be positive... it's just that when I came here, I didn't realize the extent of the work needed to get through this. I was just thinking it has to end, but the strength to do it (the right way) has yet to show up inside me.
Because our stories are similar I always appreciate your words!! You inspire me. :)
Wising -
It is scary to focus on our own problem - it's a lot easier to fix other people. Like you, that's all I focused on, him, him him.
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Me too - when you have a controlling, toxic person in your life it becomes easier to just take yourself out of any and every situation you can. My world kept getting smaller and smaller until I had literally no one. Like you, I let a lot of friendships die because no one knew my secret. In the last few years I have managed to forge a couple of good girlfriends - both married and neither know about my past. So I know exactly how you feel. I have struggled many times putting on a happy face when we've been out to dinner or playing golf.
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That is his choice and we can't change that. Mine has 4 grown children and he has always said that they were his reason for not leaving. His choice.
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And what I see for us is a beautiful, blank canvas that we have the opportunity to paint as we wish! Flowery, I know - but I'm an artist :)
<<<< Because for us, at some point we have to date, we have to throw our hearts back out there and hope to God it doesn't get trashed again. Frankly it feels like to much.>>>>
Yes, at some point we GET to date. It is too much to think about now, but in the future look at all we'll know! I have always felt that even though I've been through hell, at least I know what I want in a man now. I know what to avoid. I'm not giving my heart easily to anyone next time.
From everything I've read here, strength is something that keeps growing.
Bodhi
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