23 Yrs & he threw AP under the bus

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
23 Yrs & he threw AP under the bus
15
Sun, 08-08-2010 - 10:26am

For what it's worth, I wanted to share this story.

My DH has a long time M buddy who has been invovled with a single woman for over 23 years. "Bob" would not leave his wife and children but continued to see "Sue" for all these years. They saw each other about twice a week. About 7 years ago, Sue bought a new home within 10 minutes of Bob. Bob has always told my husband that he loved her dearly but because of his obligations at home, he couldn't leave his wife. He said Sue understood this and was happy with their arrangement.

Bob's wife became suspicious a few years ago and confronted him. Bob convinced his wife there was nothing for her to worry about. Fast forward to this past week. Bob's wife somehow found out and managed to follow Bob to Sue's house. Bob's wife waited and then knocked at the door. D-Day.

My point to sharing this story is what happens next. This is a classic example of getting thrown under the bus.

Bob was caught. After 23 years of getting away with the affair, it was time to face his wife at the front door of his AP's house. Bob explained to my husband that he turned to Sue and in front of his wife, told Sue, their affair was over. He told Sue "I have to make my marriage work". Sue was devastated and in between sobs, kept asking Bob why, why, why, after all these years. Bob's wife was still standing at the front door. EAS'ers, the "why" was standing at the front door. Bob told Sue goodbye and he and his wife left.

Bob explained to my husband that he has now recommitted himself to his wife. He realizes he has to be fully engaged in his marriage to her to make it work. And he his determined to make it up to his wife. Bob says he will never see or speak to Sue again.

If this story is not a full blown example of getting thrown under the bus, then what is? I had to share this for those who think
" but he loves me ".
No, even after a 23 year affair, this man was totally capable of throwing Sue, the love of his life, under the bus. Bob returns home with his tail between his legs, promising to be a good boy. Sue is left on the floor sobbing uncontrollably and trying to understand what just happened. She has thrown 23 years of her single life away. For what? Twice a week she spent a few hours with Bob. They even managed a few trips together and her grown children knew him well. According to Bob, she was happy with the situation but occasionally longed for a more permanent relationship between them. Bob had his cake and eating it too. He had a basket full of excuses why he couldn't and wouldn't leave his family. I know Bob. I know Bob's wife. Bob is a good man and loves his children dearly. But this is a classic "throwing you under the bus" example. Bob left Sue at her front door and returned home to his wife and family where his real, honest commitments were.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 08-08-2010 - 12:51pm

Wow...what a Dday!! I am not suprised at all tho. Crazy part is, she will be devastated for quite sum time. He will go on about his life and M. Sad. I wish Sue would find EAS.

Luvin

Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2008
Sun, 08-08-2010 - 1:05pm
That is a good wake up call for this board. 23 years??? She sure wasted some of her best years on the A.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Sun, 08-08-2010 - 1:11pm

My xAP said to me countless times that he would stay with me as my AP for the rest of his life as long as I continued to help him hide the affair from his wife or we got caught.

To say I am filled with regret, would be a gross under-estimation.

TU.

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou

LC/NC since April 14, 2010

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it."
— Maya Angelou
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Sun, 08-08-2010 - 2:13pm

My DH said a few years ago his buddy, "Bob" mentioned he thought he should get out of the affair, but he couldn't. He said "Sue" (AP) meant the world to him and he would never hurt her that way. I can only imagine the hurt "Bob" has caused not only to AP Sue, but to his wife!!

All the support and guidance here on EAS has always been so right and so spot on. I had to share this story because how this affair ended is an example and an awful one at that, of what happens when we become addicted to the highs and think there is no way out.

Bob had a way out. Sue had a way out. But both ignored the realities and lived to satisfy themselves. I can only imagine what Bob's wife is thinking and processing. 23 years of lies is a lot to cope with.
My heart goes out to her. I also feel bad for Sue, but I do realize she made a very misguided choice to allow Bob in her life for so long. Being an outsider, I wonder, what the heck did Sue think was going to happen!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 08-08-2010 - 2:55pm

Sue may have thought what we all thought was going to happen at one point or another. Sue just thought it a lot longer than most of us. Very sad. Very sad for all involved. Esp the wife. Sue probably thought she would never be thrown under the bus so badly.

Luvin

Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Sun, 08-08-2010 - 3:27pm

luvin,

your post provoked a question:

I wonder how "Bob" thought this was going to end up. How could he
not realize the enormous hurt and destruction his affair would cause.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Sun, 08-08-2010 - 4:18pm
Both "Bob" and "Sue" wanted what they wanted when they wanted it. 23 years of being someone's concubine? Outrageous. Nonetheless, it obviously was what she wanted. She knew what the rules were. She knew he was never going to leave. 23 years should have told her that. For these reasons, honestly, I have a hard time feeling sorry for her. She wasn't being held hostage. Nobody had a gun at her head. She wasn't a victim. She was a volunteer in all of this. That doesn't mean he wasn't a total creep. But she signed up for the program. Hopefully, she won't do it again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2010
Sun, 08-08-2010 - 4:52pm

I think Bob would have let the A go as far as it would go. He was a cake eater and will eat the cake as long as he could have. Bob would have done it for another 20 or so years if he could have. I do not think they think about how things would end up. They just go with the flow. And if they think about it all, they figure they will face it then...

My exAp knows his W will never go anywhere, so he does whatever and he has said on numerous occasions that he is willing to face the consequences when she catches him. Which has been often. I was one of many of his conquests...some men know W is not going anywhere so they just do whatever forever.

I do not think Bob will be true to W. Right now he will be a good boy for W. But he will try to get to Sue again or find another just as soon as he feels its ok to step out again. It's possible he will change, but I doubt it. 23 years of cheating is a really long time. Unless he really has a makeover, Bob will be at it again.

Again, I hope Sue finds EAS.

Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
Luvin
Yo Soy EL Capitan de Mi Vida
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2007
Sun, 08-08-2010 - 6:18pm

luvin, I agree, I think Bob would have continued on forever had his wife not put 2 and 2 together. Even though he expressed concern about the affair, that certainly didn't stop him from continuing to see Sue.

Bob told my husband that he had to stay in his marriage because his wife could not support herself and he didn't want to upset his family. My point to H was, well, Bob should have made a decision 23 years ago.

I suspect Bob will Sue again. How sad for all involved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2006
Sun, 08-08-2010 - 9:00pm
"Bob" has issues.
Onward and upward.

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