2nd the motion....DAMMIT.....So upset with myself....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2011
2nd the motion....DAMMIT.....So upset with myself....
6
Thu, 02-17-2011 - 12:12pm

so yesterday am....I am back in bed, still unmovable....did not respond to his first text.....was proud and posted here....was able to get up....clean a bit, could not even focus on cleaning.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2010
Thu, 02-17-2011 - 12:31pm
This MLC, is why we say to block him - because the AP ALWAYS comes back (with very rare exception) - they ALWAYS explain away the stuff that led you to being brave enough to end.

So, I guess I'm not sure where you are - are you back in NC now? Continuing on your relationship with him? And no - you shouldn't beat yourself, but that doesn't mean you are off the hook - If you are back to NC - have you blocked now? Are you willing to commit to getting back to a healthy place as wife and mother?

It is good that your reading is paying off - and yes, some of us fall and get back up - I posted a couple of days ago my story - but will recap here...

225 days ago (apprx) I ended my A and my M. I did not endure a dDay - my xH knew from the get go because I can't live that many lies all at once - and because I knew he was engaging in his own A at the time. At first my life was a WRECK! I was consumed, CONSUMED with missing both of them, consumed with longing for one of them to "come and save me" from the horrible feeling. It was lonely and the first time in my ENTIRE life that I was on my own - and to add to that, my xH outed me on FB to EVERYONE I knew about my relationship with xAP - I was humiliated, angry, and I was still in grieving mode for losing my Dad - my one ally during it all. The ONE person who I knew would understand and counsel me. AND on top of that, I had three gorgeous, and amazing kids that I now had to physically, financially and emotionally take care of. The first three weeks I considered going back to those old behaviors and crumb catching more than once. Living in a fantasy in some ways was easy - and it didn't hurt NEARLY as much as ending - I even had a rebound fling with a coworker which did not end well for either of us. My own vision of myself was in the toilet. I was grasping at anything to just make me feel "of worth", or good. As I got near to the three month mark, some fishing on HIS part finally got the better of me, and I gave in.

I came back, reset my clock, and moved forward - this time a little less emotionally shattered and armed and then I lost my job, and communication with the xH was a joke and my kids were hurting in big ways and as I neared that 2 month mark for the second time I was lonely and I NEEDED answers (see I told those of you NEEDING answers I could understand) Even with all I had learned and read I could not wrap my head around some of the ending stuff, including his calling me his mistake - and I broke contact. I had WITHSTOOD ALL of his fishing attempts - and in my own doubt, in my own dark moment, with my own lack of self - I caved.

And I came back and I reset my clock and moved forward and I knew I would NEVER go down that path again. I had a very strange sense of peace - I didn't get any answers from him - and I realized there were NO answers to get. From my xH OR my xAP. None. And the weird part of it was - that since that night, I have endured some of the hardest moments including a literal "intervention" from my family (some of whom have NEVER gotten over my shaming them to the world with my A actions via FB and ruining their "whole lives"), the trimming of toxic relationships - some of whom have been my best friends since childhood, losing several friends and family members to death along the way, enduring a LOT of job interviews that wrote me off as "overqualified", surviving unemployment and I finally made it to Tweenerville on Jan 18th. Literally the 1-year anniversary of my A turning from EA to PA.

Along the path of all this healing, and hurting, and learning this board has taught me SO much I didn't know about being a person. I know that sounds corny. I have lived in a bubble of naivete for a long time - in my own little corner and I thought that by taking care of everyone else, somehow I would be fulfilled. If i just kept my head down and did all the "right things" I would convince my xH of my worthiness and loveability! I didn't know about patterned behavior in relationships and how they forecast long-term success or failure, I knew nothing about codependence, or controlling behaviors.

When we say pick yourself up and come back - we mean for you to come back fighting hard to maintain NC, to give up the A for good.

I pray you get out while you can.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2010

MLC,

There are many of us who have fallen during the course of trying to end the A. I did twice. No shame there, sweetie.

It is very, very hard and painful

Oct. 12, 2010 -- began my personal search and rescue mission.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2010

Hi MLC,

So you faltered..that is ok.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2011
mlc
I know how you feel you believed him you think your a is different it's hard to see that it's like everyone else.. I'm there I'm struggling to I've known xap since wewere 15i can't wrap my head around hes not my friend BUT hes not I can't believe that he doesn't love me after all this time how could he not BUT he doesn't or we would be together.... I can't imagine never talking to him again it's crushing me I'm use to telling him everything... I feel like you do my brain doesn't want to accept this lets not even start on what my heart wants... I can't live with this heart ache anymore my kid need their mom my h needs his w or to be let go to find the life he deserves we aren't the only ones in limbo everyone we love is to.... Trust me I know I've felt like I've loved this man half my life I dont know how to live w/o him but I know I can't live like this anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2011

Lolly....Thank you for taking the time to share your story.....it really helps to read that completely failing with NC is common among some.