2nd thoughts

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
2nd thoughts
6
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 9:34am
Does anyone every have second thoughts about ending the A? I started out so passionate my decision, so sure I had done the right thing. Day 2 of NC (not really because ex-MM called me 10 times yesterday).

I found out that he did leave his W on Monday. But, I still don't trust him, and the whole A thing just doesn't sit well with me anymore.

If he can bring himself to end his M, actually file for divorce, then and only then will I consider maybe letting him back in my life. Even then it's a very small chance that I will feel comfortable in a relationship with him. He will have to make some big changes, and that, I won't hold my breath for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: secretluver
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 9:55am
Do I ever have second thoughts about ending the A? bah, ha, ha....how about every hour of every day---does that count?

I've been in NC for about 2 weeks now...and I'm just aching over the loss of the friendship. I knew on one level that it would never amount to anything and he said right from the BEGINNING that he didn't want an affair (though it went there) and then it was he never had any intention of leaving his wife--so I *knew* that it was strictly a 'friendship' thing for him only....but silly me fell in love--but one cannot stop that process, can they? Its like your family---you can't pick who it is, you can only choose how you deal with them. And when you fall in love with someone, its very hard to maintain friendship, because it just so easy to fall in the pattern of wanting/forcing things to progress.

IF your exMM did leave his wife (where did you hear this from? can you confirm?) then that IS a step in the right direction....HOWEVER, I have seen MM who have left, gone back, left, gone back. IMHO, if he left, GREAT....maintain NC for a bit. He'll need to get his s*&t together---file for divorce, divorce negiotiations, get his head on straight---if you get together with him during that time a). it will make the STBX BALLISTIC and vindictive, which could cause him to go back b). he might be overcome with guilt, which could cause him to go back.

As to being comfortable with it all....well, only time will tell. Counseling during this period helps (for both you and him) to figure out why you two had an affair....this is the best way to "affair" proof any relationship...finding out what drove you there in the first place.

Don't hold your breath...unless, of course, you look good in blue ;-). Anything is possible...so consider all options...but don't put your life on hold either...gosh, knows you never know what you might be missing!!

Big hugs

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: secretluver
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 12:08pm
My curiosity got the best of me, and I drove by his neices house this morning on my way to work. That is where "he said" he would be saying until he got his finances in order.

You are right.....ex-MM, has left and went back to his W three times. Each time he left the drama, was horrible. I won't go into any details, but I actually had a fist fight with his W, the police were called, and his daughter witnessed all of this. He needs to file for divorce, before we can go on. NOW is the time for me to make that absolutely clear. I will not be in an A with him anymore, I will not go through all the drama again. He needs to get his stuff in order, and then we can go from there.

Thanks for such wonderful advise.

Secret

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: secretluver
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 1:19pm

Secret, I verily disagree with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: secretluver
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 2:11pm

Speaking as a former MM in affairs for 17 years, I think the endings at times do leave room for 2nd thoughts. However, after finally stopping the affairs as a way of life, I have found that the sense of freedom I've experienced fromo more lying or sneaking far outweighs the benefits I derived from my affairs.


In case you didn't read any of my archived posts, I am married to the last OW, I did end my marriage after much soul searching and with no final regrets over the ending....


I say stick to your guns with xMM. If he REALLY wants a life with you, NOTHING will stop him from finishing what he needs to do in order to be single to start an above board life with you. I speak from experience.


You are worth it. (100% undivided attention) Don't forget it.


jmhoo,


cl-nre

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
In reply to: secretluver
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 9:54pm
Do I ever get 2nd thoughts? Oh yes, and 3rd and 4th and 5th thoughts.... they are ALWAYS there at the back of my mind! Sometimes the feeling is so strong - I feel the need, he feels the need, and it takes a lot of effort to banish that feeling and do something mundane like vacuum the house and do the laundry instead of picking up the phone to have phone sex or something equally seedy. The temptation is so strong, but I tell myself that I'm much better off with a clear conscience than a sexually satisfied but guilty one.

But you're doing fine... stick to no contact for now. If you're meant to be together, you will be, but it cannot happen now if he's still legally married.

hugs to you

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
In reply to: secretluver
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 7:38am
wasnotthinking...........The reply you posted here is the way I feel right now. I have been at NC for a good while now. XMM did call me this week tho and told me that he was not giving up on us. He sounded very sincere and all that stuff. I politely ended the conversation as fast as I could. I haven't called him back, like I had in the past. (good for me!!!) There are times (and I know this will sounds corny) that I feel that he is thinking about me. There is a bond between us that will POSSIBLY always be there, but I told him that we are in the wrong time in our lives for a relationship together. So I choose to continue NC. I need to heal and move on. And let whatever happens, happen.



Thanks

TCOM